wait...it was just 75º and it's dec??

coconut dreams.

ok, first off, read this blog entry from 'the sneeze'.
it's really cute.

second of all:
part of me wants this hat.
i'm not sure which part of me,
but it exists, i assure you.
i think it's one of those things
i would probably be happy to own
but i would never ever wear it.

...although, throw some goggles on
and i'd be the sweetest looking
snowboarder this winter.
yanno...maybe.
[it comes in white, too.]

...
anyways.

my mom just called and said she's coming.
then told me to clean my apt.
i'm pretty sure that's not how
moving out of your parents' works.
is she still allowed to tell me
to clean my room??

oh, so last night i was thinking
and trying to figure out
how this keeps coming back up.
then i remembered...
i have 4 people i need to "report" to.
i'm hoping craig was the last of them.
i'm sick of talking about it.
it's not a big deal.
it's not a "stressor" or a "trigger"...
and there's only actually one part of it
that makes it really painful to talk about,
which is being reminded of
what an embarrassment i was
to all members of the female gender, ages 15+.
so i apologize for that :P

which reminds me...
it's weird seeing that what my brother has learned
from his past relationships was to (in more or less words)
stop dating people who... act exactly like i was.
well then. case and point.

it's odd how easy it is to be independent outside of relationship,
but as soon as there's someone there to be dependent on,
you lose that sense of standing on your own.
so how do i know that i can carry that over into a relationship?
of course... i was no where near independent
before my last one, so i guess i had nothing to carry over.
is this like the, "i'm ready to leave php, so i'll stay for a few more weeks"?
if i think i'm independent enough to hold my own,
maybe give it a few more weeks/months/whatever to make sure...

wait, you can't do that.
that's a waste of life.
you can't learn how everything works
without trial and error.
so... we see what happens.

i'm starting to find this whole
"not trying to predict the future thing"
actually really fun.
i cried watching a movie yesterday
(no, i will not tell you which one)
because, in some stretched out way,
it made me realize how much freedom i have
with which way my life can go
without trying to plan things out.
since letting go of the next 10 years
(which i was very strict about trying to plan),
i've opened myself up to... everything.
seriously. i was aging myself too quickly.

and on top of everything else,
i see myself, for the first time,
slowly not needing a member of my OPT.
i don't think i'll be seeing craig for a while.

alright, time to get dressed
and get some shit done.
this cannot be a pointless day.
i hate wasting weekends.