this is how ridiculous i was last night.i had my first tweak out in about 2 months last night. so i called my mom, who i could usually depend on to enable me and tell me i'll be ok. ...she's not enabling me anymore. she pretty much verbally bitch-slapped me, and thank the fucking Lord, she did. she told me how she hadn't heard me like that in so long, and how i kept talking about how this is the happiest i've been my whole life - why would i let myself lose sight of that now? and she was right. and i realized how ridiculous i was being. if she had called me the way i called her, i would've done the same. i sounded exactly like the people i can't stand and want to shake them and tell them to get a fucking grip. NOTHING is worth being that distraught over. i don't know what happened to me - just a moment of weakness, i guess. but i snapped out of it, which shows me just how how much i have grown. i control my thoughts - not the other way around. i was never able to snap myself out of it before. i would've spent the next week in bed and probably not eating much, if anything. but i got up, made myself something to eat, left my house and felt great again.
i've worked too fucking hard to lose myself to things i make up in my head. i'm scared as hell of what 2008 might look like, but it's such a dumb thing to be scared of when it's not even here yet. and whatever happens, i'll be ready for it when it comes. i can't prepare myself for something i'm not even close to, yet. i have more important things i need to focus on for right now. and that's what i'm going to dedicate myself to.
and today, i'm going to get out of my house, finish the errands i didn't run yesterday, and make the calls i need to make to get myself back into my life. i'm going to do some job searching and get some work done. i'm going to dust off my camera, which i desperately miss holding, and make something beautiful out of the mess new england has become in the past week. i'd also really like to pick up some new pastels, but i'm not sure i have time to go to framingham today. i hear there's an art supply store in waltham, but i have no idea what it's called. anyone?
in other news, i found myself in an all-to-familiar conversation last night. "um, emily? i kind of need to talk to you..." i know that line... where have i heard that before. AH yes...back in may, when carissa needed to sit me down to talk. uh huh. i swear, it's not me! well, carissa's leaving was about me... but that's a different story.
apparently, when i stopped looking for a new place after my tires remained inflated, someone else kept looking... and found a pretty sick deal. i don't blame her for wanting to take it. it's $50 less than what we pay, much bigger, has a washer/dryer, and off-street parking. which, considering the past week and how we've finally met our WICKED sweet neighbors *sarcasm*, i really don't blame her. and did i mention...it's right up the street. :P lucky her.
so, back to the roommate search...again. God, in a year and a half, 7 people (and 7 cats...) have lived in this apartment. tony's either going to laugh, or kill me. especially considering we all just resigned the t@w, yesterday.
on the bright side, i'm going to have the whole place to myself from dec. 28th - jan 9th. so...about 2 weeks of just me...and whoever wants to come keep me company :D it'll also be a great time to clean up with a third of the apt empty - like how i completely revamped the place when carissa & manda left.
so...anyone lookin' for a place for feb 1st? you let me know.
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