"us with the boobs. we make bad decisions."

i can't figure out what it is. i figured this would have passed by now. i don't know what ignites it or what keeps it going, but i want it to end. i feel like this is one of those puzzles that's going to push me off the edge unless i can figure out what the cause is and stop it on my own account.
i've wedged myself into my own confusion. she says i have all the answers, and she's right. i have all the possible answers - right and wrong - and i don't know how to sift out the wrong ones. i've been lying, but so have you.

i know what's coming in the next couple days and i'm hoping that what i'm going to do will get me where i need to be. it sounds like such a shallow plan, but this is really all trial-and-error for me, so if it works, bonus. if not, then i move on and find the next step. i could let this trial-and-error thing be really aggravating... or, i could let it be really fun and take advantage of the fact that i get to do this. personally, i'd really rather my life be fun right now :P

right now, christmas looks like either sitting at my apartment (very likely with a not-so-surprise guest...) or sitting in my parents' house. "it's hard to be a jew on christmas..." i love the holiday - it just sucks when i can't do anything for it. i'd pretty much love to not be in either of those 2 places. they should have the MB ON christmas for all of us who are sick to death of chinese food and pretending we have our "own special way" of celebrating a holiday just because we're jealous that we don't get a stocking on our fireplace. isn't that what chanuakah's for? pretending we're apart of the "season of giving"? oil burned for 8 nights, so we get wrapping paper, and cookies, and songs to sing, too. ...how do i have 2 homes and can't stand to be in either of them at certain times. so...where do i go?

sorry, i figured you all needed a break from my optimism. sometimes, things still suck. that's part of life. and at this moment, things kind of suck.

this entry hasn't even been a quarter of the things i want to say. and the more i want to tell people things, the more that builds on top of that. i'm wondering if i should just write everyone a letter and spill my guts... and then... fuckin' run. i think, as kiersten would put it, some "dear man-ing" needs to be done. maybe i'll try that. and i know exactly where to start.