reader poll.

* * * * *

new project.
e-mail me your definition of the word "crush" relating to
feelings towards another,
and your current age (range).

esrubenstein@gmail.com
subject line: crush.

a few sentences to a paragraph is fine.

* * * * *

reason #32847 jayme left reporting.

i'm disturbed. and trying not to think about the pain involved...

who's daughter am i??

my aunt ilene (dad's sister) vs me; both @ age 21.

we even have the same bags under our eyes...
but they didn't have photoshop in the 60's.


//edit//
wait!! it gets better!!


all thanks to the family genealogist (and photo banker) of the family,
my cousin, joyce.

dr. death for congress.

are we all aware that jack kevorkian is running for congress? alright, great. best of luck to you, sir.

f-u.

most of you have already seen this, but i still think it's funny so i'm posting it.

in miller lot @ bentley college.

spring cleaning.

i'm gonna start posting more pictures on here, fo' sho'. here are some from jayme and i cleaning out my car earlier today. prepare to be disturbed...

jayme preps for the worst...
(a shovel??)


note: this is after we started cleaning...


mom found this on my backseat...
it's so not mine.


does this make my butt look overly-clothed?


jayme busts me rockin' out to "billie jean".
check out those moves.

truffle shuffle.

my mom bought me a chocolate truffle at roche bros. last night. i couldn't resist; it looked far too amazing. of course, i didn't think to shoot it until after i was half way through, but i'm sure you won't judge me. oh man, you have to try one of these.

i'm so f-ing tired. gahhd.

crush.

guys make me go retarded.


i feel like i'm in middle school again, but this time... i'm having fun with it.

*revelation*

she's me, when i was 17.
except that she's 21.




sorry, mom.

* * * * *

i keep having dreams that i'm in this really ridiculous gorgeous place with fountains and a beach and people walking around everywhere. i'm taking pictures of it all on my phone to send to you, as if you'll feel better by seeing this. i'm worried and i want answers. i want to know you're going to be ok.

xanga abstract.

i'm desperately trying to keep my head from exploding. i've worked very hard at keeping my anger under control, but the sound of a bad situation only continues to get worse and i'm coming close to losing it. the only solution to my problem includes spending a lot more money. i hate feeling trapped. i despise it.

i head back to school tomorrow. [bill, don't look...] i graduate in 62 days. [/bill] and where am i at career-wise? well, i'm jobless (note: i'm not complaining - i know i could up and get a job... just stating) and a little clueless as to where it is i'm headed.
after trying to suppress the need to have a script in my hand, that's proven impossible. and now i'm on this undeniable path to doing something with eating disorders and i can't figure out what that is. i keep thinking about M1 and M2 telling me they were both marketing majors. now one's a LICSW and the other is a psychologist. B was a real estate agent. he decided to go back to school for psych when he was 25ish, and even then had no idea he would end up in the ED field; that was probably furthest from his plans.
i'm 21. i feel like with the skills i have at this very moment, i could be making an absurd amount of money. but where...how...and with which of my 3 loves (only 2 of which i would consider passions and it's the 2 i haven't been working on my cert. for since last june...). i'm confused and i'm stuck.

i'm not so worried about finding my path as i am making money to support myself until find it. i constantly freak out about my serious financial issues, and yet have far too much pride to grab a job in retail. $7.5o/hr is more than i make sitting here worrying about money, but i'm so much better than that. i'm far beyond jobs that high school sophomores go out for. that is so 6 yrs ago. i would be open to serving again. i've started looking into that. but even so, i could be making money in retouching and i feel like i'm missing a connection...

you'll be redirected shortly...j/k.

if you only read my personal blog, change it up and read my...not-so-personal blog tonight.
www.frozenoranges.com

as for the personal stuff, i was going to post about my week, but i'm over it all and would rather just drop it. that's to those who had to listen to me bitch and moan about it the past couple days. now, it's officially kicked me in the face and i'm flat out drained to all hell. ...and i need an aleve. and food. go read my other blog.

shorty did that pop-and-lock.

this guy. is. insane.

colon closed-parenthesis.

things that made my day:

1. ian: (side note: the [business] cards you designed for me are still getting lots of compliments)
   
   
2. i always feel pretty good when someone tells me that they find my blog very inspirational, but there's something a little more exciting about being complimented on my recovery writings by the executive director of meda.
   
   
3. i bought www.frozenoranges.com. it's a simple thing, but i'm excited about it :)
   3a. go there to see that the mental health parity was passed and how amazing that is and why :D
   
   
4. it was so nice out today and it's supposed to be 50º again on saturday, too.
   

53º as of march 5.

it's one of those days where it's really overcast and the sky is grayed out, but it's still bright enough to cast some harder shadows on the sidewalks. it's like we're closed into our own little softbox dome (excuse the photographic nerdiness). it's really beautiful, actually. i always love when it looks light as day, despite the ceiling of clouds. it's gorgeous lighting and, consequently, great for shooting.

it's also currently 47º, slowly rising to 53º. today's the first day since november that i haven't worn my knit slip-ons. i'm wearing summer shoes. i missed them. they don't totally fit, but i'll get over it. they were too big when i bought them; i'll just rip the padding out.

that's really all i wanted to share. i was excited about the weather :)
back to class... we're looking at really shitty websites as a "what not to do when building your site." some photogs are seriously web design-retarded. i'm talking really horrifying "design" work. i use the word "design" so loosely, it's falling out of that sentence.

//edit//

i think this one is my favorite: http://jasonfulford.com/
i don't think i have ever laughed so hard at a website in my life. i'm like...seriously dying right now. this is some guy's photography & animation portfolio.

here's one of my favorites from his collage collection:

click on that to see more of his mind-blowing collage and composition work.

the run-down.

i've had these racing thoughts going through my head for what feels like a week now, but i'm not sure it's been that long. the good news is, none of the thoughts are bad, but it's making sleeping difficult. there's just a lot going on right now, so that's probably it. getting back into life will cause that, i'm sure.

let's see...things that have been going on...

1. school's pretty good. it feels good to be back. there's a smell in that building that's good to smell again. it's like... fresh digital equipment and brand new computers. it's a good smell :) this week is marketing and we have brian, who i didn't think i'd have again. he's pretty kick ass. next week is spring break, because i'm awesome like that. then it's 3 more classes, a 4 week internship, and i graduate on may 17th (my parent's anniversary).
   
   
2. this doesn't have to do with me but... my mom is using her birthday to start a 5 week training course in volunteering for hospice. i just wanted to mention it because i'm really happy for her. she's excited and she would be perfect for it. she's great at talking people through hard times and she certainly knows what it's like to be in a situation involving terminal illness. i'm just proud of her so i thought i'd plop it into my update.
   
   
3. i'm in a show, yo! someone dropped their part in bentley's production of "fools" by neil simon and they needed someone to fill it. do you realize how long it's been since i've been on stage?? i'm so freakin' excited. i went to rehearsal tonight; it's gonna be a good time. and the director seems wicked chill.
   
   
4. i'm loving having the keyboard. i've never been this motivated to learn an instrument (besides guitar... but i can't play again until it's no longer considered masochism) and i've tried to learn a lot of instruments. i've been practicing every day. i kind of wish i had access to an actual piano, but you deal with what you got.
   
   
5. i found out the first event i'm going to be shooting is the jay-z/mary j. blige after party. the concert's early april. i'm not sure what club it's at yet. considering the circumstances, i'm kind of wondering if this is going to pull through for me... but for now, i have it and i'm excited. i've also been talking to a girl at school who does a lot of shooting at the paladium and said i'm welcome to come anytime. i've always wanted to do some band photography, just for fun.
   
   
6. why is it impossible to find a good john krasinski poster? is that so much to ask for?
   
   
7. at long last, frozen.oranges has been updated again, and with a very important post. please please please read and follow the instructions. it's just a quick e-mail that could quite possibly save lives. and i'm not talking lives of starving children you'll never meet in third world countries. i'm talking lives of your best friends... your family members... your significant others who might have an eating disorder and who might not get the help they need because insurance might not cover their care no matter how desperate their situation. think about it.

that's it for tonight.
time to crash.

hate is a strong word.

and it is far too weak of a word to describe the way i feel about you.
there are no words to describe how passionately i despise you
and everyone like you.

you're sick.

and i'm sure, at this moment, you're sound asleep wherever you are
and perfectly happy with whatever you're doing with your life
while she's permanently damaged from what you put her through.

and she's time zone away from me
and all i can do is be here to listen to her cry on the phone
while she's having these disturbing flashbacks.


you better hope to god you never cross my path, again.
i would more than gladly take an arrest
than let you walk off with your fucking limbs intact.