should-ing all over myself.

i should have gotten a job over a month ago.
i should have done volunteer work.
i should have done more shooting.
i should be at maintenance by now.
i should have taken more responsibility.
i should be able to get up off my ass and make something of myself.
i should have a job that's related to my career choice.
should, should, should, should, should.
i just heard a bell ring 6 times in the back of my head. that damn bell. i have been really good at not judging myself and not being so hard on myself. i feel like i've been going by what i assume everyone else is thinking about me. (mind-reading; i hear you, betty.) i feel like everyone's judging me and i would be, too. i hate lazy people who can't get off their ass and do something. and i am judging me, most likely more than anyone else is.
however, i also know i need to stop being so hard on myself. no, there is no excuse for me not having a job right now, and i am reminded of this daily via my financial obligations... and verbally via my mother. i'm scared, for some reason. i'm scared to have responsibilities again. maybe because i feel like i let so many people down, before... not that avoiding helping my family hold up the roof isn't letting anyone down - myself, at least.

this entry wasn't meant to be a pity party. i've been through a lot and i'm finding it difficult to get back on my feet. i feel useless to society and unbearably irresponsible right now and, obviously, i have no one to blame for that but myself.
so, i can mope around thinking about all the things i should have done and all the money i should have made and all the weight i should have put on... or OR... i can get off my fucking ass and make some more changes in my life. what's my favorite dbt term, kids? ..... if you said, "opposite action," you're totally right.

so, tomorrow, the following things will need to happen:

• i will get out of bed at a normal breakfast-consuming time.
• i will do some shooting, including my banner for frozen.oranges (which i finally bought my props for).
• i will turn in the shots i owe to complete my 2 IP modules.
• i will find my bedroom floor and reorganize my nightstand so shit stops collecting on and around my bed.
• i will do some job searching for something a little more... appropriate, considering my skills & focus.
• and, of course, i will continue working on my awareness mission for NEDAW... but that's the one thing i've had no trouble motivating myself to do, lately. i can't believe the passion i have for it, actually.

i grew up with the family motto, if you don't like what you see...change it. i know better. so, i'm changing it. i've always deserved so much better than what i give myself. it is far past the time i should have started doing what i need to do for me. ...there i go, again, with the shoulds. i suppose now is the time i was supposed to become aware.