i am no longer a mess.
and it helps to know that.
i'm confused...i have a lot going on...
but a mess is what i was before i went to alcott
and didn't know how much trouble i was in
and didn't realize how badly
i was running my life into the ground.
it's hard to want to rebuild your whole...being.
while, simultaneously, trying to uphold important relationships
and having a family member get their ass kicked
by some sick, unstoppable disease.
1 step backward, 2 steps forward.
that's the process.
some days are harder than others,
but i'm getting stronger.
physically and emotionally.
i keep having to remind myself...
i don't have to be the perfect
daughter...sister...girlfriend...patient...
because the harder i try,
the worse i feel when i don't reach it.
i'm learning to not be so hard on myself.
and it's getting easier.
i'm learning to let things go, again.
i JUST realized that i've finally let go
of grudges i've been holding for far too long.
all of them. i'm over it.
and it's so good to not be angry about
stuff that, frankly, doesn't apply to my life anymore.
i've had some very rude awakenings
over the past couple weeks, thanks to 2 very close friends.
this is all long overdue, and now...being 21...
i feel like i have no more time to waste
on being someone that's wasting my own worth.
i've wasted enough time self-destructing.
this all seems so abrupt
and it's all happening so fast...
but i'll take it.
i'm just happy i was able to realize this all now
instead of another year...5 years...10 years...
i guess that's all my optimistic talk for now.
hope you guys didn't throw up ;)
time for breakfast.
* * * * *
dad update:
he had a bone marrow biopsy done yesterday
to try and figure out why he's low on red cells.
no results until tuesday.
but even if they figure out whether it's his
bone marrow not making them,
or his disease killing them...
it doesn't slow anything down.
he's probably going to be in the hospital
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