boxes, duct tape & sharpies.

you've seen my cat.. allow me to introduce you to my roommate's cat:

in fact, i believe this was just a video of her cat taken and cartoonized.  the only exaggeration is that the poor thing can't figure out the actual button to shut off the tv.  i love sweetie ;)

so, most important piece of information to throw up here is that after 4 long months of searching, viewing 11 apts ranging from perfect-but-won't-allow-cats to are-people-expected-to-survive-in-this-place, and seemingly millions of phone calls ending in "..had a bad experience and won't allow cats anymore," i came across apt #12.

i expected it to be a quick, 10:30am drive-by ending with my "thanks.. i'll call you.. or something" just like all the others.  i looked at everything i could get into, whether or not it seemed ideal, just to be sure i didn't miss any opportunities.  i had nothing to lose.  funny how - after months of work - the place i finally get to walk into and think, this is my apt, comes along on july 27th.  i was approved on my birthday.  and everyone says there's nothing good about turning 22 ;)

it's.. better than i could have thought i could afford.  it's beautiful, great space, great features, GREAT storage, brand new carpet/flooring/paint.. and the location.  i had realtor after realtor tell me, "you should really think about expanding.  watertown and belmont are very close."  it always drives my mom crazy that when i really want something, i will get it.  i not only got the city, but i got  it off moody, just where i need it.  i more than cut my walk to work (and school) in half.  and (could it be any more perfect..) it's right across the street from a catholic church.  now i can go to mass whenever i want..... or something.  at least i can tell you i'll never be sleeping past 12 on a day off; you can hear those bells from watertown.

*note: roommate needed for sept 1.  male only.  let me know if you know of anyone looking.

now, all "hunting" energy now goes into job-hunting.  i'm waiting to hear back on a position i really want, but the guy is away until aug. 4, so i'm trying to be patient.  i started talking to him about a month ago.  i'm hoping..

also, i'm meeting with my admissions counselor from cdia on monday.  i'm petrified of what "going back to school" entails, but i'm also petrified of what it would mean to not do it.  i'm thinking of starting in the fall because, let's be honest, all that waiting gets me is another 4 months of living off of margaritas.  i love working there, but i would love to have a day job that doesn't involve the infamous sour-circles on my shirt.  not to mention, it'll be nice to be able to cover my bills & rent.. and have "extra" money so i can stop paying my credit card bill penny by penny.

fantastic things :D

loving my life.

not-so-lazy summer days.

been in a much better mood.  i have a really good feeling that my apt search is closing in on the end.  i'm also going to e-mail this guy about the job i want soon and hope that he's interested in my work.  i would really love to have a job doing.. what i would rather make a living off of.  don't get me wrong, i love serving and i'm definitely going to stay at margaritas no matter what job i find to make a living off of.  it's great (eventually "extra") cash and i love the people i work with.

i'm starting to look into going back to school again, as well.  apparently, everyone @ cdia is on vacation this week (or.. maybe just the 2 people i tried to contact), but i'm going to get in there and lay down all my questions about financial aid and payment plans and think about whether i would like to start the pt program in the fall or spring.  we will see.

and now, for something completely different, my carefree, well-off, happy-to-be-shaved-down baby:

this was taken with photobooth, because it's all i had to get it fast enough.

for the record, this picture REALLY doesn't do the hilarity of this pose justice.  i wish i had my camera next to me at the time.

(he's rubbing my laptop as i post this.  he knows when he's the focus.. no pun intended.)

back to the drawing board.

alright, my "finding the silver lining" idea was not so successful.  of course, nothing in life is that easy.  this shit takes work.  i'm cracked out.  i had a week of living on my parents' couch and then i went back to work and.. tomorrow will be my 3rd day off since that day i jumped back on my feet.

i mean, all things considered, i can validate myself.  with so much going on and no time to work through it, anyone would be a little cracked out.  but a quick blog trying to find the good parts won't cut it and bitching&moaning to the same person over and over again is clearly only going to make it worse.

tonight's goal:

putting down the lap top, soaking my feet in hot water, and breaking out an actual pen & paper.  i refuse to let it build until i blow or continue this streak of negativity that i can't even stand.  at least you can get away from me.  just.. give me a little space.  i'll bounce back.  i always do.

things to look forward to:

• my bank statement :D
• my day off tomorrow :D
• seeing my mom for the first time since i crawled off her couch from surgery :D
• urban interactive :D
• my birthday & related plans :D
• calling on these 2 apts i found tonight :D
• hearing back about a job i really want :D
• moving out :D  (it will be soon.. i can feel it.. it's coming.)
• the booze cruise :D
• new friends :D

..whatdya know.. already in a better mood :)

actually.. i'm in a great mood.  i found my fix :)

ooh, still need the hot water soak though.

finding my silver lining.

i have been ridiculously negative about a lot of things lately, which is far from who i've become.  i don't like it and i'm sure the people i converse with the most don't as well.  so, here's my project.  i'm going to list all the things that suck right now, but then i'm going to find the reasons why they're good.  this is what writing is for.

feel free to read on, but it's really just for my own sake.

thing that sucks #1:

this apartment.  the dirt, the grime, the bugs, the tension, the darkness, the morbidity, the fighting, the atmosphere..

the silver lining:

i'm not homeless.  in fact, it's a pretty good size and *most* of my stuff fits comfortably.  the rent is split 3 ways and - due to rent control - it's officially the cheapest non-shithole you can find for what i pay a month.  it's a half mile's walk to work and everything i need is within biking/walking distance and i only use my car a few times a week.  our landlord loves me (and my family) and is really laid back.  ..he's also offered to buy us rum cakes for our birthdays, which start today, but tana has yet to show.

i've set up a good home here, despite a few things that i'm trying to avoid saying so that i can stick with the "silver lining" aspect.  but, fuck, it's hard.  it's a nice place.  i got really damn lucky here.

tts#2:

my finances.  i always bitch and moan about them to the point where it even annoys *me* sometimes.  i know.  but i'm scared.

tsl:

i have a job.  and, according to all my well-worked math, it's not bad money.  it's a week before august and i can already pay august rent.  i'm not only making enough for where i live, but i could feasibly afford a higher rent on what i make.  it can at least suffice until i can find a better weekday job (when i don't make shit at the restaurant).  i'm doing ok for myself and i know i'll be on my feet before i know it.  i really need to give myself more credit for the work i do.  i'm working hard, full time, working on my portfolio, and heavily job searching.  what more can i do right now?

tts#3:

getting hurt over something so retarded.  the hardest part is thinking about everything i've survived and everything i've fought through in the past couple years.. i fought for my life.  and i actually still let a single person make me cry.

tsl:

okay, i'm definitely being too hard on myself, here.  and i know i'd hear that damn bell for saying that it's totally retarded that let myself get hurt over something so insignificant.  it was clearly significant enough, if it hurts.  and there's certainly a lesson in it, even if i haven't found it, yet.  maybe the lesson is that i need to let myself get hurt.  just because i've survived everything i have, i tend to think i'm supposed to be invincible now and this is my way of learning that i'm still only human.  i've been through worse - much worse - and i always find myself okay in the end.  so, here's to letting life teach me another lesson about letting go and letting myself not be ashamed of feeling hurt once in a while.

there were more.  maybe i should take advantage of the fact that i can't think of them right now.

i'm really going to work on the negativity thing.  i hate being that person, and that's really not who i am anymore.  i'm doing everything i can to fix all of the above and that's all i can do.  someday, i'll get my shit together.  a lot of people my age tend to be a little lost.. right?

don't you miss my xanga entries.

why does this have to be so dramatic.
why can't i just call it quits and be done with it.






and how the hell did i actually end up hurt in this ridiculous situation..
i really would have liked to think i have more control over myself than that.

buddy list art.

i'm easily amused, this isn't anything shocking to those who know me.  you can only imagine how much easier that gets the later it is at night.  okay, i have no excuse.. i always think it'd kind of cool when there are color patterns in my buddy list, the same way i am amused when there are number patterns in my odometer.  i like patterns, i can't help it.

thanks to those who made my buddy list art possible.

goodnight.

wait, i missed a holiday?

for those who don't know, i had my wisdoms out this past thursday.  most of you have had them out, so you all have your own stories.. and i've heard them all.  my story isn't a huge change from the giant mix i have received, though i must admit that i've certainly heard worse.  the only thing that puts my own twist on it is that my body apparently isn't in top shape for surgery, but i'm sure that doesn't come as a huge shock to many.  (it was that whole fasting-for-8-hrs-prior-to-anesthesia thing..)

the most important thing i learned is not to ask for stories on such common events, if you plan on using them as a "what exactly to expect" guide.  everyone goes through their own thing and there's not really any room for judgement.  just another life lesson hidden into one big event.

i had a fair share of people tell me, "oh man, i couldn't talk or eat solid foods for 2 weeks after that!" and a pretty equal amount tell me, "pssht, i was back running the world after the 3rd day."  it's funny; people who said the first tend to be much more open-minded to the different possible outcomes.  people who voiced the latter were more prone to thinking that those in the first group are just a bunch of whimps for taking longer to heal.  thus is the world we live in.

one woman at work fought me to the death, saying that taking a week off from work was absolutely ridiculous because a friend of hers went back to work after just a few days.  despite me telling her, much more kindly than i wanted to, that i appreciated her opinion but i've heard a lot of people have many different experiences with their recovery, she still seemed completely adamant that because her friend was up and running, the whole world should be.  (i have a prize for anyone that can tell me how that run-on could have been prevented.)

these are the kind of people i have learned are so not worth my time and energy.  so, i said, "okay, great, thanks," and walked away to grab a soda.

anyways, it's now been almost 5 days since the extraction and i'm finally starting to feel a little normal.  it has been about 24 hours since my last percocet, and i'm hoping i'm officially done with them.  (you did great, guys, but your side affects really kind of blow.)  i've been moving around a lot today, doing a lot more for myself, and my appetite is finally really coming back (which, we all know is huge for me in more ways than it should be).  the first half of the day was really pretty rough, but it was expected, so i guess i have to roll with it.  hopefully, that part of my recovery is over with..

i believe i'm heading back to my apt sometime tomorrow, which is going to be weird.  i settle in really easily, not to mention, this is the longest i think i've spent at my parents' since i moved out.  it's the baby in me.  being taken care of for that long becomes comfortable.  i don't like that i do it, but i think all i can do at this point in my life is realize that i do it, and get out like i'm ripping off a band-aid.

i have got to admit, it feels pretty good to think about the gas i've saved not driving for 4 days..