finding my silver lining.

i have been ridiculously negative about a lot of things lately, which is far from who i've become.  i don't like it and i'm sure the people i converse with the most don't as well.  so, here's my project.  i'm going to list all the things that suck right now, but then i'm going to find the reasons why they're good.  this is what writing is for.

feel free to read on, but it's really just for my own sake.

thing that sucks #1:

this apartment.  the dirt, the grime, the bugs, the tension, the darkness, the morbidity, the fighting, the atmosphere..

the silver lining:

i'm not homeless.  in fact, it's a pretty good size and *most* of my stuff fits comfortably.  the rent is split 3 ways and - due to rent control - it's officially the cheapest non-shithole you can find for what i pay a month.  it's a half mile's walk to work and everything i need is within biking/walking distance and i only use my car a few times a week.  our landlord loves me (and my family) and is really laid back.  ..he's also offered to buy us rum cakes for our birthdays, which start today, but tana has yet to show.

i've set up a good home here, despite a few things that i'm trying to avoid saying so that i can stick with the "silver lining" aspect.  but, fuck, it's hard.  it's a nice place.  i got really damn lucky here.

tts#2:

my finances.  i always bitch and moan about them to the point where it even annoys *me* sometimes.  i know.  but i'm scared.

tsl:

i have a job.  and, according to all my well-worked math, it's not bad money.  it's a week before august and i can already pay august rent.  i'm not only making enough for where i live, but i could feasibly afford a higher rent on what i make.  it can at least suffice until i can find a better weekday job (when i don't make shit at the restaurant).  i'm doing ok for myself and i know i'll be on my feet before i know it.  i really need to give myself more credit for the work i do.  i'm working hard, full time, working on my portfolio, and heavily job searching.  what more can i do right now?

tts#3:

getting hurt over something so retarded.  the hardest part is thinking about everything i've survived and everything i've fought through in the past couple years.. i fought for my life.  and i actually still let a single person make me cry.

tsl:

okay, i'm definitely being too hard on myself, here.  and i know i'd hear that damn bell for saying that it's totally retarded that let myself get hurt over something so insignificant.  it was clearly significant enough, if it hurts.  and there's certainly a lesson in it, even if i haven't found it, yet.  maybe the lesson is that i need to let myself get hurt.  just because i've survived everything i have, i tend to think i'm supposed to be invincible now and this is my way of learning that i'm still only human.  i've been through worse - much worse - and i always find myself okay in the end.  so, here's to letting life teach me another lesson about letting go and letting myself not be ashamed of feeling hurt once in a while.

there were more.  maybe i should take advantage of the fact that i can't think of them right now.

i'm really going to work on the negativity thing.  i hate being that person, and that's really not who i am anymore.  i'm doing everything i can to fix all of the above and that's all i can do.  someday, i'll get my shit together.  a lot of people my age tend to be a little lost.. right?