where pleasure moments hung before.

i haven't written in a few days because dispute upon dispute have been piling onto my back and every time i open a new post, i freeze. i feel like the only way to practical way to get my mind into type is to scream at the monitor and hope it can translate for you all.

after a long day of thought and word-purge to the unfortunate souls who have crossed my path, i finally have a feeling of resolution and am rather calm again. well, that, and reminding myself that this is the happiest i have been in over 6 years and i am not about to let any petty affairs get in my way, now. so, when i thought my head was about to explode, i did what my mother has always taught me and changed my environment. i don't mean i up and left or rearranged my furniture; sometimes, changing your environment is as simple as jumping in the shower. and, if you let yourself, it's possibly to physically feel the water wash off the stress.

so, after all of my mental organizing, i can now present you all with much clearer (and more rationally-minded statements) than you have been subjected to, whether or not you've just been letting me vent, or have actually been the subject matter of my attacks. i hope, despite the side you were on, you can forgive me for the way i've handled things over the past 9 days. new beginnings come with a lot of stress. i like to think of it as a test; it's not like you can just start over, right? you have to be able to handle it.

* * * * *

when someone i care about is in trouble, i want to help them. a friend, to me, is someone who's got your back, no matter where that trouble stems from. whether the finger on the trigger belongs to a serial killer or belongs to you, i'm going to have to step in. when your life is at risk, you can get as angry as you want for me getting in the way of things that are "none of my business", but at least if you're angry, i know you're still alive and kickin'.
to be perfectly honest, it always kind of bothered me that you never showed any concern towards me. when i told you i was in the hospital, you treated it like i had just told you i was hanging out in my apt watching tv. you never asked if i was ok. you never asked how i was doing. even before i was in treatment, and you knew, you never seemed to care. now i know why. but don't you dare, for one second, think i'm going to enable you just because you're "not ready". if anyone understands that you have to be ready before you can get help, it's me. but i'm not going to sit and watch you slowly destroy yourself from the inside out. you mean too much to me. so you let me know when you're ready. i'm not going anywhere. i just refuse to watch.

kait and i had a long talk one night about "cleaning up". it's kind of like how we need to clean out our closets once every couple of years to keep things organized and make room. we no longer need old clothes that no longer fit or have no effect on us at all and we're just not interested in wearing anymore. it's a waste of space when we could have clothes in there that make us excited to get dressed in the morning and make us feel better about ourselves and more comfortable.
as cruel as it may sound, we need to do that with the people in our lives once in a while. like clothes, people don't always grow with us. sometimes they're great for certain points in our existence, but if they don't "fit" anymore, they can be detrimental to the person that we want to be. friendships become toxic if they're held onto for too long and they're not meant to be. as hard as it can be to let go of friends, it can be very freeing and very healthy for both people to go in the separate directions that they need to go.
i have been more fortunate than i can ever describe in words to have the number of friends i do that i can say have continued growing with me for as long as 13 years. but i have discovered that a group of people i thought i would party with in my nursing home one day was only in my life for a very specific reason. they came in when my life fell apart and were one of the most beautiful things to ever happen to me. and i know i may never have a connection like that with any other group of people again, but i don't need it anymore. which is why it's not available to me anymore, but i kept trying desperately to hold onto it. i'm done. i was done a long time ago, but i'm not holding on anymore.
i'm not saying i'm cutting myself off from everyone involved in that time. but there are specifically a few people that just...don't "fit" anymore. and it's not worth risking everything that i've worked so hard for. but know that i love you all more than anything for everything you've helped me through in those 3 years. thank you.

* * * * *

i had intended on there being a few more paragraphs than that, but as i thought threw them, decided they weren't even worth mentioning. it was just anger that no lessons had come of, which is probably a good sign that it's not worth hanging onto in the first place.

there is one condition i can't shake, and i haven't a clue what to do with it. i feel like it's haunting me, but that seems like such a harsh way to word something that, by no means, is nightmarish. but i've dreamt about it for the past 3 nights. i can't decide if i'm excited to see if it appears tonight, or if i'd rather avoid it. my dreams feel too real sometimes, and it freaks me out. and sometimes sucks in the morning.
i have a strong intuition, but surrounding events seem to contradict it. however, while i was laying in bed last night attempting to fall asleep, i tried to imagine flat-out going against my gut. even while it wasn't real, it felt so wrong and almost felt ashamed that i had even thought it. it all sounds ridiculous, but that's an unnecessary judgment, i suppose.
the moment that really screwed with me, though, was when i had a sudden urge to say something to someone that i would think wouldn't be appropriate. ...but if my intuition is pushing so hard for this...it seems more inappropriate to not do it. what's controlling me more? i've been in similar situations like this before, but i knew when a thought or urge i was having wasn't right. i'm not feeling that way now, but... i don't know. i would say it doesn't seem like a good idea, but who really decides that?
i wish i didn't have to be so "old cryptic-style xanga entry", but until i have this sorted out, i probably shouldn't give myself anything else to worry about. and if i don't get it out at all, frankly, i'll blow. so deal with the little bit you do get.

you know, as i work through all of these obstacles and learn the things i do, all i can think about is, how can i make sure i remember to tell my kids this? every time i come to one of my monumental revelations about life, all i can picture is me sitting, holding my newborn, and reciting it all hoping that they'll be able to remember it at just the right point in their life that they'll need to use it. i feel like i should write a book with everything i want to be able to tell my kids that i'm worried i'll forget by the time they're...real. there are so many things i feel like i already need to tell them, and they're at least a good 8 years away from conception. a little pathetic? or a reflection of the kick ass mother i hope i'll be some day? let's go with the latter - it sounds much less negative.