i want to adopt her.

some of you may remember Capucine, the cutest little 4-year-old French girl i have ever seen in my life. there is a video of her telling the most ridiculous, fantastical story and it's unbearably adorable.

i'll post her original internet appearance for those who haven't had the chance to be enlightened by such an unbelievable imagination. but first, the greatest letter to santa clause ever.. as dictated to her mother.

“Père Noël,

I would like a nice gift, and I would like to see you.

Because I have been very good throughout the year. I have listened well, I have cleaned up my room by myself and I had fun at school, and I have played with my friends.

Also, I am going to move, I will have a nice house and a mezzanine.

I eat everything, but sometimes, I don’t.

Then I would like to see you for Christmas and Halloween and talk to you. I would like to sing you a song-poem. When is winter coming ?

Also I would like to talk to you, but if you leave and go far away, I would like to see you in your house.

If I hug you, your beard will not sting, it will only tickle.

And I would like to go into your sleigh. How will I do that ? Do I have to climb up the trees ?

Kisses,

Capucine.”

here's her famous zoo story:


Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

she's miss bad-media-karma.

my mom will hear a song and go, "holy crap, david, we were shopping for bananas after that party the 3rd week after we met the last time we heard this song!" and i think, what the fuck.. who remembers that?? well, my thought process isn't that detailed (and hers aren't usually that creepily detailed, either), but i remember i was 11 or 12. my dad was driving me home from school and listening to kiss 108fm when the newest pop sensation came on with, "hit me baby, one more time."

"who is this?"
"britney.. something. i forget."
"you like her?"
"i LOVE her. this is like, my favorite song."
"..what does she want you to hit?"
i rolled my eyes. "i don't know, dad.. just listen to the song.."

she always had a knack for "catchy." even the last person in the world i would ever expect to like her music has a thing for "toxic"; you can't really help it.
as it is, she's an easy target. she went crazy, she shaved her head, she married a giant douchebag-lookin' guy.. she was a mess, and america would sit and laugh and talk about her ass on the cover of the tabloids over coffee. would you still do that if she was a friend of yours?
i think one of my favorite things is how everyone talks about how she shouldn't be allowed to be a mother. that's a pretty strong statement to make about a person, in general. seeing as how millions of people who make this statement don't even know her outside of magazines and articles whose ultimate goal is to draw readers, yes, i'm sure you have all the facts to judge someone's parenting ability.

why am i sticking up for britney spears, the biggest pop trainwreck of my generation and a person i don't even know? because i know her better than billions of people know the billions of people that they judge out of context every day. she has just as much baggage as the next guy and people just love to place judgement on others to make themselves feel better.
i like her. i like her spunk and the possibility of how human she may actually be.

i had so much more to say before i read jezebel this morning and realized that, not only do they feel the same way.. but they wrote it much more eloquently than i could have. if you care to read on, head over here.

can't shut off the mind.

i am back in the metro-west after spending the holiday in my hometown 45 minutes west. it was a lot more relaxed than i had expected, to be honest. i somehow thought that i would feel the kind of stress i feel when i spend a day doing nothing productive. however, i guess that's what the past couple days were for, so i was rather welcoming to that.

but now, it's back to work. you know, that job i work 7 days a week but doesn't pay shit? yeah, that's the one. soon, though. i will have a new job soon.
i think the hardest part about job searching is that i don't feel like i really deserve free time to myself when i'm at home. i feel like if i'm here and doing something other than making calls or working on my resume & cover letter, i'm being totally unproductive, which, makes it hard for me to manage my time in a way that allows for the things i do actually feel like doing, like design projects, knitting, writing.. there seems to be no appropriate time allotted for these right now. i can't wait until i have a full time, hourly-scheduled job where i will be able to come home and know that the only things i have to do are the things i want to do.

speaking of things i want to do, i thought of a really cool idea that combines crafts, income, and my need to contribute. i mean, yeah, there are the hats, but this is different. it would take a little money to start, but i think my chances of success would be much higher than with the hats (which are taunting me with their existance). they would be easier to make in quanity without getting boring, easier for people to customize, and a much smaller chance of wool allergies ;)
as for the hats, i think i'm going to round me up some models (anyone interested? the more the better), get some pictures of these suckers once and for all, and put them up on etsy - the seemingly top pick for all my crafting/craft-buying friends.

alright, it's 3:12a and i am far from tired. that ain't good. my sleep is really screwed up and i'm not really sure what the best idea would be to fix this. B would say to try to go to bed 15 min earlier every night, but 15 min is so easy for me to say, "ehh, just 15 more min" to, which pretty much destroys the purpose.
gus has been asleep for 2 hrs. i wish people had the same sleep patterns as cats sometimes. it's so easy.

ugh. wish me luck.

my list de thanks.

this year, i am the most thankful:

• for the unconditional love and support i have received and continue to receive from my friends and family.
• for the skills, lessons and tools i have acquired over the past year.
• for my new found health and happiness.
  
• for my absolutely beautiful apartment that i still can't believe i found.
• for the roommates that saved my ass just in time.
• for the people that have offer to help when i need it without a second thought.
• for rediscovering passion.
• that i am able to appreciate every aspect of my life even in circumstances that others would find it difficult to do so.
• that i have learned to let go and move on. (still a slight problem, but it's gotten much better.)
• for reconnecting to people in new ways.
• my beautiful boy who is literally a constant reminder of my accomplishments..

it is an ever growing list, of course, but it is 3am.. so i'm going to head to bed.
fantastic thanksgiving. hope you all had the same :)
the fun continues tomorrow..

gd project: part 2.

alright, here's another kiwi update.
i've been stuck on the same thing for a couple of hours now.. the fuzz, the glistening, the gut texture. dammit, kiwis. i really want to get this right, but wtf. people have done some pretty insane photo-realistic illustrations and i can't get a damn kiwi? c'mon, now.
i can think of some things i could do, but you can only do them in cs4, which i don't own yet.

oh, and the middle looks dirty.. not sure what to do with that, yet. that radial blur kind of helped, but kind of made it worse. my seeds are also a little spacey; i'll have to bring this in a bit more. i think i'm going to need to do a little photoshop work in there, but i can't yet.

anyways, here are the updates:

my 2nd big gd project: part 1.

for my Ai class, i have to create a photo-realistic illustration. i.e. illustrate something that, unless you know, should look like a photograph. i am nervous, but i think it's starting off well.

i have a thing for kiwis (they're like, totally my fave, omg) so i went with that. i think the fact that they're rather glisten-y is going to be difficult, but i think i can do it. we're also not supposed to use outside sources, so i'm going to have to make my own paintbrushes which, obviously, i've never done before.

anyways, here's what i have so far. i'll update it as it comes along :)

things i wish i could say to people.

but since, for 1 reason or another, i cannot.. i'll say them here in hopes of letting it get out of my head and i can let it be.

1. you are unbelievable. you can play dumb all you want, but it's time to look someone in the face and be honest with them. i put in way more effort than i should have. i am so done.
   
   
2. i've said everything i possibly could to you, and never felt like you heard any of it, and you expect me to still be here? it doesn't matter.. everything you've ever told me was a lie, anyways. this right here.. this is me letting go of you. finally.
   
   
3. i wish *so* badly you could have gotten to know me. i'm not who you think i am, i promise.
   
   
4. i couldn't get you out of my head for days. you either shouldn't have left, or you shouldn't have told me that you wish you hadn't.
   
   
5. i hate the way you treat me sometimes, and how i keep going back. i don't take your crap personally, but i wish you would catch yourself like you say you wish others would.
   
   
6. you're right. we wouldn't. the funniest part is, she couldn't even deny it.
   
   
7. what happened to you?? do you hear yourself anymore? some of the things you couldn't stand about her.. you do them.
   
   
8. you have led me to try to talk as little as possible around you. that way, i don't have to feel completely trivial when you interrupt me to say something that has nothing to do with anything i'm trying to tell you.. every single time i'm trying to have a conversation. this wouldn't suck so bad if you weren't so important to me.
   
   
9. i can't help but feel like if i could just meet you, i could help. i wish so badly you would let me help.
   
   

oh man, i've been dying to get that shit out.
now.. to see if i can move on without saying it to their faces.

affairs made easy.

my roommate left the tv on and tyra came on. now, i am no talk show fan, but i get sucked in rather easily. it turned out to be a show on the 'ashley madison agency' website. i can't actually believe something like this exists. it's really disheartening, in fact.

the ashley madison agency's slogan is, "life is short. have an affair." it is a dating site for married men and women to look up their ideal match for cheating on their significant other. according to tyra, in 7 out of 10 relationships, someone is being cheated on. is this supposed to give people hope? does anyone not cheat anymore? i mean, there's a website specifically for this shit.

one woman says, "it ended my marriage, but it saved my life." she was miserable in her marriage. you could have ended your marriage first. you could have it all without cheating. if you're miserable, staying in a marriage and seeing someone else most likely isn't going to fix anything any faster. what a crock of shit.

i lose more and more hope. this is disgusting.

look ma!

i did this in my first illustrator class on saturday :)

and she waits and she waits..

this election, think about your body.

An e-mail I received from the Planned Parenthood Action Fund:

10 Things Every Woman Should Know About McCain & Palin:

• John McCain opposes equal pay legislation, saying it wouldn’t do "anything to help the rights of women."
  
• John McCain opposes requiring health care plans to cover birth control.
  
• John McCain opposes comprehensive, medically accurate sex education.
  
• John McCain opposes funding to prevent unintended and teen pregnancies.
  
• John McCain opposes funding for public education about emergency contraception.
  
• John McCain opposes restoring family planning services for low-income women.
  
• John McCain opposes Roe v. Wade and says it should be overturned.
  
• John McCain wants to nominate Supreme Court justices who are "clones" of conservative Justices Alito and Roberts.
  
• John McCain said he was "stumped" when asked whether contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV.
  
• In his 25 years in Washington, DC, John McCain has voted anti-choice 125 times!

72,000 writers. 50,000 words. 1 month.

that's write, folks! i'm an official participant of the 2oo8 nanowrimo contest. my cousin has been talking about it for years and i've always wanted to join up, but never had the guts to do it. let's face it, i've started many a "novel" in my time and they usually hit the punch line around page 4. i always wondered how writers could write about a topic for so long.

i was raised thinking knowing "whether you think you can or you can't, you're right." so, here goes nothing. who knows, maybe something legit will actually come of it. if nothing else, a sense of accomplishment, even if i simply outwrite how much i've ever written before.

so, wish me luck. and if you have any idea of a plot whatsoever, i highly recommend you jumping on board. couldn't hurt to see where it might go..

my boy.

done it.

hahahahaha :D

let there be light: an essay on priorities.

Click for full size.

[Credit: Laugh Graph]

I am a reform Jew.  I was born a reform Jew to two Jewish parents.  I attended sunday school, Hebrew school, was bat mitzvahed and confirmed.  I spent a number of years on the board for my local youth group and three very solid, life-altering years highly involved in my region of NFTY (North American Federation of [reform] Temple Youth).  This will always be a defining part of who I am.

The most important part of Judaism is the value of community.  It is a support system that is unlike anything else I have ever had.  When there is an event in the community, everyone is there.  A birth, a death, a $200,000 fundraiser for a stem-cell transplant; we hold each other up, without question.  I have always been proud of my background and my religion and consider myself extremely lucky to be born into such a community.

However, I have found myself questioning religion a lot lately.  This process actually began a little under a year ago when I went through that phase of a break-up where I was trying to figure out what I could have done differently (an irrelevant and completely unproductive rumination process).  I made my way to wondering if it had something to do with our difference in opinion about how we would prefer to religiously raise our children.  Oddly enough, the ridiculous thoughts actually lead to a purpose: a reevaluation of my priorities.

The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter what religion my children are raised.  They will see both parents' lifestyles and they will hopefully learn about both of those, as well as others out there.  The important part is that my children will be raised with good values as a human being.  Whether or not they believe that Jesus saves, or that there is a day when God writes down who will die that year - and how - and seals it a week later really only dulls in comparison to the importance of how they treat other people and how they are going to change the world.  We are all raised with some religious information, be it that there is no god or there are 40 gods.  Besides, we all know that we reach a point - typically around the teen years - when we begin to question the meaning that has in our lives.  Teenagers are smart; they reevaluate, they discover, they customize, they "rebel," and they eventually fall into their own beliefs.

The Torah has become a book of fables to me.  It is my tradition and history, but so is The Little Mermaid.  I once believed in Ariel, too.  You can laugh, but there is no difference between the truth in her and the truth in the Easter Bunny.  It was enjoyable, but I have slowly been outgrowing those stories over time.  I still love hearing them like I love listening to Greek myths and other religions' beliefs, but i will not personally base my lifestyle around them.

We know so much more nowadays that may or may not back up stories from the Old Testament.  If someone tells you God spoke to them via burning bush, they will most likely be considered clinically insane or tripping balls.  There have been far greater medical mysteries than the stories that people come up with about the biblical days.  Women become pregnant when they are told they're barren.  They also lie and cheat; I'd love to hear a woman tell her husband that it must be "the son of God."  Good luck, honey.

So, what do I believe?  I believe that "God" is not a giant old man designing our universe, but more a force of nature, like gravity.  Maybe [my] god is gravity.  It keeps the world in motion and it keeps a balance.  I believe what goes around comes around and karma is a bitch.  I believe everything happens for a reason and we decide our own fate.  We invite what comes into our lives; if you are always negative, you will only bring negativity in.  I believe that the world population was not intended to be "every man for himself" and that people are supposed to connect and protect each other.  I believe pain and suffering is necessary to learn and grow and that if we cannot learn to let go of the emotional toxins in our lives, those toxins will manifest themselves in a physical manor.  I believe in doing what you love or getting out.

Yes, there are limitations to some of these, as there are with all things, but these are the values that I base my lifestyle on.  I only get one life (at a time) and the only people that I owe any words of thanks and praise to are those who have first- (or even second-) handedly impacted my life, myself included.

I don't know what the universe came from or where it's going.  I have no idea what happens in "the afterlife".  I have learned to trust without the answers.  I feel more comfortable not knowing than I do with what others make up based on what they want to believe.  I can respect that many people find comfort in having answers, even if they are unofficial, but I cannott live without truth.  It is the year 2oo8 5769.  We have so much more to do with our lives than prepare for what happens next, when no one even has proof of what that is.  What a damn waste.  I am down with the here and now.

I am a reform Jew.  I will take every Jewish value I have learned with me for the rest of my life, but my faith lies in the moment.  In this moment, I believe I have more historical connection to a tadpole than I have ever had to a man's rib.

Please read before commenting: This is a personal blog that strictly covers my personal opinion.  I respect that everyone has their own beliefs and, in return, expect mine to be respected, as well.  I would never try to force my opinions on anyone else.  This entry was not intended to offend anyone.

the starving artist.

the economy is shittin' the bed and the first thing you all say to yourselves when money gets tight: "i really need to cut back on eating out."  come on, even i've been saying it.  the restaurant industry is taking a huge hit right now and it's been tough on all of us.  hours are being cut way back; some of us are blessed to get more than 3 shifts in a week.  it's funny because, over the summer, there were notes up all over the schedule pleading for people to take their shifts.  now, the schedules are plastered with notes begging to pick up any extra hours we can.

it's odd, but i think part of what i love about the restaurant industry is that we're all fighters.  we work hard for what we earn, and then we have to work beyond that to help each other and help the company, despite our disturbing hourly wage (that we never see).  we've got each others' backs and i love that.  you have really got to love your co-workers to keep a restaurant running smoothly.  we run smoothly and it all makes the time well worth it, even if it doesn't show on my pay stubs.

meanwhile, i continue to hunt for more stable means of income.  i won't be leaving margs for a long time, but i definitely need a second source.

the roommate search is still in progress, and man, what a bitch that's been.  i've done a good share of roommate searches in my day and never once had such a difficult time.  i guess it's the time of year.  that, and everyone seems to be itchin' to live in the cambridge/somerville/allston area.  i don't know what it is about waltham, but it's not happenin' right now.  i do have an interview coming up, though, so we'll see how that goes.  i know it'll happen when it's meant to.  lord knows patience landed me in the beyond-perfect apartment, so i'll continue to trust that it all happens when it's time.

i'm happy.  :)

my family.

my gramma called my uncle and my 8-year-old cousin, max, picked up.

m: bubbie, you know that homework you helped me with?

g:  yes, how was it?

m: i got it wrong.

g:  all of it?

m: no.. just the ones you did.

g: oh no, did you say that bubbie helped you with it?

m: they don't know what a bubbie is.

yup.. it's definitely fall time.

"i don't think people are meant to be by themselves."  jd, scrubs

my head's uncomfortable.

what we've come to.

f1: "he probably has a crush on you."
me: "he has a girlfriend."
f2: "that doesn't mean anything.."

i can't argue it, which is why it sucks. if i were the girlfriend, i'd be pretty pissed if i knew this conversation was going on somewhere. nothing's ever set in stone, is it. relationships are never bulletproof, and everyone knows it.

this whole concept freaks me out.

i'm lovin' it.

i've gotten hold of a lap top rental (thanks, bill) for the past 15 hours or so, so i'll leave a quick one for the sake of semi-consistency.

work is going well. believe it or not, i'm looking at the possibility of advancement. yes, folks, it's apparently possible and will be a fantastic feeling considering i'll have to cut back some hours once i head back to school in 11 days. i'm pretty excited about that, especially because i've never actually advanced at a job before. of course, none of my jobs really provided that sort of opportunity (unless you consider my almost-move-up to photo lab tech at cvs a few years ago.. haa..). i got to admit, i'm pretty proud of the work i'm doing considering how much i never used to be willing to push myself. i've come a long way and it feels pretty damn good to see what i'm capable of. i may complain about how worn down i am after hitting overtime, but i'm secretly pretty proud of it.

the apartment is fantastic and still immaculate. i've become a slightly compulsive cleaner, which i'm okay with. it's sometimes annoying due to the whole obsessive-compulsive struggle in general, but hey, my house is clean. nothing wrong with that, right?
of course, it's proving difficult to bring someone new in. i'm pretty anxious about it, but the anxiety has been surprisingly decreasing. i know it will all work out how it's meant to. i have to remember i can only have so much control. how unfortunate for someone with my nature. i guess that's part of the lesson. hey, knowing i have a problem is half the battle, right? i can only get so far at a time.


future plans i'm working on:

• completely redesigning f.o (who's readership is growing surprisingly fast, even in spite of me not being able to update, currently.. how odd.. but awesome).
  
  
• getting my work for bill completed (if i can get past the part where i don't completely have a grasp on design yet and just getting a temporary banner out, at least).
  
  
• finally finding a name for the hat situation and getting that whole project on the move ,the ultimate goal being to combine a sales method that will work through f.o (as part of the profits will be donated to neda).
  
  
• advancing at work (as mentioned before) and working on increasing my income in fewer hours while at school.. which may even allow me to work less nights and have more of a social life with my 9-5 friends
  
  
• writing more.. a lot more. not just blogging, but i mean really writing and getting my work out further than the internet - the time deal is slightly difficult though.. which leads me to my next goal:
  
  
• finding a way to better manage my time to fit in all my projects. let's face it: i'm not one to be able to do one thing at a time and i'm determined to do it all. my calendar is about to become my own 24/7 personal assistant. honestly, i'm kind of glad i can't afford the IPT yet.. i think writing everything down is actually keeping me more organized for the time being.

that's all.. time to eat and head back to my other building of residency.
if you live in the area, i highly recommend coming in. visitors always make my shift a little more exciting.

peace out.

checking off to-dos.

yesterday was my "off" day.
i never actually have an off day; they're usually spent doing everything i need to during the week but don't have time to due to work. and, for once, i did it all. i fixed my car (which needed a ridiculous amount of work that couldn't be put off any longer) and finally got a new inspection sticker. i finally sent my lap top in, which should have been done months ago. losing the function of about 10 keyboard keys wasn't something i could easily ignore, unlike my fan overworking itself or my usb ports getting shorted..

long and short: yesterday was awesome. it felt so good to get all this crap off my shoulders that i've needed to do since as far back as february.

anyways, short haitus (not that you're not used to it) from blogging for a bit.
like i said, my mac's @ apple and i'm not sure how often i'll be able to get to the school until i get it back. you'll be ok.

peace out ;)

treading water.

was sent home from work due to a serious case of cracked-outness.  my 40-50 hour weeks have gone up to 50-60 hour weeks.  that's too many hours.  my body can't handle it, my brain can't handle it.. i love margaritas, i really do, but i'm finally starting to understand sue.

i need a vacation.  a paid vacation.

i can't get one of those yet.

i'll probably have better luck finding a better job.

i miss my friends.

  all of them.

your every-2-weeks update.

alright, so, i work like my financial life depends on it, which it does.  i will admit, i absolutely love my job, but the physical toll it's taking on me is becoming really difficult.  last night, i went to bed crying due to excruciating pain shooting through my forearm.  it was my "carrying" arm - if you will - so that's the best i can come up with to excuse that, but i can't figure out why the pain is completely gone this morning.  my knees are falling apart, which they were anyways.  i have a doctor appointment coming up and i'm going to try to get a referral for a knee doctor and a chiropractor.  i can't be falling apart so early in my life.  a more desk-oriented job would be fantastic for the week days.  i would love to be able to just work margs part time and not depend on it for the majority of my income.

ending the pity-party, my enrollment in school is official.  my loan has been approved, i have been enrolled, and i start the graphic design program at cdia on september.  i'm so excited and so anxious, i can't even tell you.  i have all these projects i want to do and all these ideas and i don't know what to do with them and how to get them into my computer.  it's driving me insane.  i can't learn it fast enough and i still have to wait another 26 days to even start.  rawr.  at least i know i have something besides margaritas to look forward to in the near future ;)

more things to look forward to: knitting/crocheting season.  that's right, folks, the hats are back in production.  this winter, they will actually be actively on sale.  i've already banged out 2 and i'm looking for the best way to start making money with them.  part of the profits will - as planned all along - be donated to NEDA.  i haven't decided how much, yet (hey, all things considered, this girl needs to pay for groceries) or even how much to charge.  in the past year, i've been selling them to friends (..and doctors) for $10.  depending on how much i want to donate, i may raise the price.  i think the first thing, above all, is to figure out how to sell them.  craft show season is approaching, so i may find some local ones and find out how much it costs to set up a table.  maybe go in on a table with a friend or two (anyone interested?).  it sounds like it's all a little stressful, but i'm really excited planning it all.

before i head out, i would like to make mention of the watson family, neighbors and friends of ours for over 9 years.  our families, unfortunately, have had a bit too much in common lately, as mr. watson became very sick semi-recently.  he died of cancer this past thursday at only 6o.  while i don't know what it's like to lose a parent, i certainly know what it's like to watch such a close family member go through such an illness.  honestly, i feel a little guilty, all things considered, but i know that's out of my control.  anyways, all my love to you guys.  i'll see you in a few days. <3

sweet, sweet home.

my new apartment.. is incredible. i'm actually obsessed with it. i can't believe how happy and at home i feel here. and, even more so, how happy gus seems to be. there's no doubt that the tension i was suffering through didn't even come close to what he felt. he seems much more relaxed here, which makes me even happier.

i still have some stuff to unpack and organize, although i've thrown a lot of useless, old crap away (files, bills, stuff from when i first moved into the old apt).  the space is fantastic.  i have room to live and i don't feel like there are any boundaries in my own home.

we've done a lot of furnishing and a lot of money has gone into the place, but not nearly as much as it could have been.  mom and i rock the deals & sales.  don't mess with us in the christmas tree shop.

the nightmare is not completely over.  in fact, it has gotten slightly worse in an unbelievable way.  just a little bit longer and a few more tasks at hand and it should be done.  with everything i've been through and witnessed, you would think i could at least comprehend such disfunction.. but i've never seen anything like this before.

work is going well.  money is starting to pick up and should only get better from here with all the bentley/brandeis kids coming back this month.  i work 40-50 hr weeks and i'm pretty happy with what i have to show for it.  yes, making ends meet is slightly difficult, but you do what you have to.  i'm happy and i'm free, and that's what's important.  i have a new contract position which may or may not pull through.  however, i'm getting paid while we figure out if it'll last, so i'm okay with that.  i have a new network contact - a photographer - who wants to see some more up-to-date work and start feeding me clients.  and, on top of all that, i got my loan the other day to go back to school.

i've decided to take the "don't think too much" approach about going back to cdia.  the "thinking too much" goes along the lines of, "what if i can never pay back my loan?  what if i decide i hate what i'm doing and want a complete career change?  what if i crash?  what if i can't get enough hours at work around my school schedule?  what if i can't do the one show i've been dying to do for 9 years and finally have the opportunity for it?"  what if, what if, what if........what if i could get a grip and realize that if i don't go back to school, i'll be taking contract jobs that i only kind of enjoy and making my base income out of tips for the rest of my life?  when your full time job is waitressing and you've graduated.. is there really a "better time" to go back?  if you answered "no," then we're on the same page.  congrats.

boxes, duct tape & sharpies.

you've seen my cat.. allow me to introduce you to my roommate's cat:

in fact, i believe this was just a video of her cat taken and cartoonized.  the only exaggeration is that the poor thing can't figure out the actual button to shut off the tv.  i love sweetie ;)

so, most important piece of information to throw up here is that after 4 long months of searching, viewing 11 apts ranging from perfect-but-won't-allow-cats to are-people-expected-to-survive-in-this-place, and seemingly millions of phone calls ending in "..had a bad experience and won't allow cats anymore," i came across apt #12.

i expected it to be a quick, 10:30am drive-by ending with my "thanks.. i'll call you.. or something" just like all the others.  i looked at everything i could get into, whether or not it seemed ideal, just to be sure i didn't miss any opportunities.  i had nothing to lose.  funny how - after months of work - the place i finally get to walk into and think, this is my apt, comes along on july 27th.  i was approved on my birthday.  and everyone says there's nothing good about turning 22 ;)

it's.. better than i could have thought i could afford.  it's beautiful, great space, great features, GREAT storage, brand new carpet/flooring/paint.. and the location.  i had realtor after realtor tell me, "you should really think about expanding.  watertown and belmont are very close."  it always drives my mom crazy that when i really want something, i will get it.  i not only got the city, but i got  it off moody, just where i need it.  i more than cut my walk to work (and school) in half.  and (could it be any more perfect..) it's right across the street from a catholic church.  now i can go to mass whenever i want..... or something.  at least i can tell you i'll never be sleeping past 12 on a day off; you can hear those bells from watertown.

*note: roommate needed for sept 1.  male only.  let me know if you know of anyone looking.

now, all "hunting" energy now goes into job-hunting.  i'm waiting to hear back on a position i really want, but the guy is away until aug. 4, so i'm trying to be patient.  i started talking to him about a month ago.  i'm hoping..

also, i'm meeting with my admissions counselor from cdia on monday.  i'm petrified of what "going back to school" entails, but i'm also petrified of what it would mean to not do it.  i'm thinking of starting in the fall because, let's be honest, all that waiting gets me is another 4 months of living off of margaritas.  i love working there, but i would love to have a day job that doesn't involve the infamous sour-circles on my shirt.  not to mention, it'll be nice to be able to cover my bills & rent.. and have "extra" money so i can stop paying my credit card bill penny by penny.

fantastic things :D

loving my life.

not-so-lazy summer days.

been in a much better mood.  i have a really good feeling that my apt search is closing in on the end.  i'm also going to e-mail this guy about the job i want soon and hope that he's interested in my work.  i would really love to have a job doing.. what i would rather make a living off of.  don't get me wrong, i love serving and i'm definitely going to stay at margaritas no matter what job i find to make a living off of.  it's great (eventually "extra") cash and i love the people i work with.

i'm starting to look into going back to school again, as well.  apparently, everyone @ cdia is on vacation this week (or.. maybe just the 2 people i tried to contact), but i'm going to get in there and lay down all my questions about financial aid and payment plans and think about whether i would like to start the pt program in the fall or spring.  we will see.

and now, for something completely different, my carefree, well-off, happy-to-be-shaved-down baby:

this was taken with photobooth, because it's all i had to get it fast enough.

for the record, this picture REALLY doesn't do the hilarity of this pose justice.  i wish i had my camera next to me at the time.

(he's rubbing my laptop as i post this.  he knows when he's the focus.. no pun intended.)

back to the drawing board.

alright, my "finding the silver lining" idea was not so successful.  of course, nothing in life is that easy.  this shit takes work.  i'm cracked out.  i had a week of living on my parents' couch and then i went back to work and.. tomorrow will be my 3rd day off since that day i jumped back on my feet.

i mean, all things considered, i can validate myself.  with so much going on and no time to work through it, anyone would be a little cracked out.  but a quick blog trying to find the good parts won't cut it and bitching&moaning to the same person over and over again is clearly only going to make it worse.

tonight's goal:

putting down the lap top, soaking my feet in hot water, and breaking out an actual pen & paper.  i refuse to let it build until i blow or continue this streak of negativity that i can't even stand.  at least you can get away from me.  just.. give me a little space.  i'll bounce back.  i always do.

things to look forward to:

• my bank statement :D
• my day off tomorrow :D
• seeing my mom for the first time since i crawled off her couch from surgery :D
• urban interactive :D
• my birthday & related plans :D
• calling on these 2 apts i found tonight :D
• hearing back about a job i really want :D
• moving out :D  (it will be soon.. i can feel it.. it's coming.)
• the booze cruise :D
• new friends :D

..whatdya know.. already in a better mood :)

actually.. i'm in a great mood.  i found my fix :)

ooh, still need the hot water soak though.

finding my silver lining.

i have been ridiculously negative about a lot of things lately, which is far from who i've become.  i don't like it and i'm sure the people i converse with the most don't as well.  so, here's my project.  i'm going to list all the things that suck right now, but then i'm going to find the reasons why they're good.  this is what writing is for.

feel free to read on, but it's really just for my own sake.

thing that sucks #1:

this apartment.  the dirt, the grime, the bugs, the tension, the darkness, the morbidity, the fighting, the atmosphere..

the silver lining:

i'm not homeless.  in fact, it's a pretty good size and *most* of my stuff fits comfortably.  the rent is split 3 ways and - due to rent control - it's officially the cheapest non-shithole you can find for what i pay a month.  it's a half mile's walk to work and everything i need is within biking/walking distance and i only use my car a few times a week.  our landlord loves me (and my family) and is really laid back.  ..he's also offered to buy us rum cakes for our birthdays, which start today, but tana has yet to show.

i've set up a good home here, despite a few things that i'm trying to avoid saying so that i can stick with the "silver lining" aspect.  but, fuck, it's hard.  it's a nice place.  i got really damn lucky here.

tts#2:

my finances.  i always bitch and moan about them to the point where it even annoys *me* sometimes.  i know.  but i'm scared.

tsl:

i have a job.  and, according to all my well-worked math, it's not bad money.  it's a week before august and i can already pay august rent.  i'm not only making enough for where i live, but i could feasibly afford a higher rent on what i make.  it can at least suffice until i can find a better weekday job (when i don't make shit at the restaurant).  i'm doing ok for myself and i know i'll be on my feet before i know it.  i really need to give myself more credit for the work i do.  i'm working hard, full time, working on my portfolio, and heavily job searching.  what more can i do right now?

tts#3:

getting hurt over something so retarded.  the hardest part is thinking about everything i've survived and everything i've fought through in the past couple years.. i fought for my life.  and i actually still let a single person make me cry.

tsl:

okay, i'm definitely being too hard on myself, here.  and i know i'd hear that damn bell for saying that it's totally retarded that let myself get hurt over something so insignificant.  it was clearly significant enough, if it hurts.  and there's certainly a lesson in it, even if i haven't found it, yet.  maybe the lesson is that i need to let myself get hurt.  just because i've survived everything i have, i tend to think i'm supposed to be invincible now and this is my way of learning that i'm still only human.  i've been through worse - much worse - and i always find myself okay in the end.  so, here's to letting life teach me another lesson about letting go and letting myself not be ashamed of feeling hurt once in a while.

there were more.  maybe i should take advantage of the fact that i can't think of them right now.

i'm really going to work on the negativity thing.  i hate being that person, and that's really not who i am anymore.  i'm doing everything i can to fix all of the above and that's all i can do.  someday, i'll get my shit together.  a lot of people my age tend to be a little lost.. right?

don't you miss my xanga entries.

why does this have to be so dramatic.
why can't i just call it quits and be done with it.






and how the hell did i actually end up hurt in this ridiculous situation..
i really would have liked to think i have more control over myself than that.

buddy list art.

i'm easily amused, this isn't anything shocking to those who know me.  you can only imagine how much easier that gets the later it is at night.  okay, i have no excuse.. i always think it'd kind of cool when there are color patterns in my buddy list, the same way i am amused when there are number patterns in my odometer.  i like patterns, i can't help it.

thanks to those who made my buddy list art possible.

goodnight.

wait, i missed a holiday?

for those who don't know, i had my wisdoms out this past thursday.  most of you have had them out, so you all have your own stories.. and i've heard them all.  my story isn't a huge change from the giant mix i have received, though i must admit that i've certainly heard worse.  the only thing that puts my own twist on it is that my body apparently isn't in top shape for surgery, but i'm sure that doesn't come as a huge shock to many.  (it was that whole fasting-for-8-hrs-prior-to-anesthesia thing..)

the most important thing i learned is not to ask for stories on such common events, if you plan on using them as a "what exactly to expect" guide.  everyone goes through their own thing and there's not really any room for judgement.  just another life lesson hidden into one big event.

i had a fair share of people tell me, "oh man, i couldn't talk or eat solid foods for 2 weeks after that!" and a pretty equal amount tell me, "pssht, i was back running the world after the 3rd day."  it's funny; people who said the first tend to be much more open-minded to the different possible outcomes.  people who voiced the latter were more prone to thinking that those in the first group are just a bunch of whimps for taking longer to heal.  thus is the world we live in.

one woman at work fought me to the death, saying that taking a week off from work was absolutely ridiculous because a friend of hers went back to work after just a few days.  despite me telling her, much more kindly than i wanted to, that i appreciated her opinion but i've heard a lot of people have many different experiences with their recovery, she still seemed completely adamant that because her friend was up and running, the whole world should be.  (i have a prize for anyone that can tell me how that run-on could have been prevented.)

these are the kind of people i have learned are so not worth my time and energy.  so, i said, "okay, great, thanks," and walked away to grab a soda.

anyways, it's now been almost 5 days since the extraction and i'm finally starting to feel a little normal.  it has been about 24 hours since my last percocet, and i'm hoping i'm officially done with them.  (you did great, guys, but your side affects really kind of blow.)  i've been moving around a lot today, doing a lot more for myself, and my appetite is finally really coming back (which, we all know is huge for me in more ways than it should be).  the first half of the day was really pretty rough, but it was expected, so i guess i have to roll with it.  hopefully, that part of my recovery is over with..

i believe i'm heading back to my apt sometime tomorrow, which is going to be weird.  i settle in really easily, not to mention, this is the longest i think i've spent at my parents' since i moved out.  it's the baby in me.  being taken care of for that long becomes comfortable.  i don't like that i do it, but i think all i can do at this point in my life is realize that i do it, and get out like i'm ripping off a band-aid.

i have got to admit, it feels pretty good to think about the gas i've saved not driving for 4 days..

is life ever not about changes?

i wish music wasn't such a huge anchor for me, sometimes. i listen to old songs, often ones that i've discovered in the winter (i.e. certain Used songs, certain Imogen Heap songs, etc.) are the ones that really hit me hard. they're not always bad feelings, but i still don't know how to deal with them, i guess.

for example, last night, i couldn't handle "just for now". i don't know what it is. i feel exactly like i did when i was introduced to it, which was amazing. it was kind of like.. a rebirthing song and i still love it. but it was hard to feel that for some reason. maybe it's just too intense for how i was actually feeling last night.
i wish i could erase the feelings that some songs are really anchored to so i could just listen to them like any other song again.

* * * * *

things are changing; some too slowly, some too quickly. the lack of balance is frustrating, but i would lying if i said it didn't keep things interesting.
for one, the moving situation, while still unresolved, has a plan. i did find an amazing place, but i lost it. gotta be quicker. i was upset, but it raised the awareness of my rooming situation which can now be worked on. i have a roommate for august and that's currently my only guarentee. i'm actually ok with that, too. i'll find a place. yanno, even if tomorrow is the last day of june and i would like to move on august 1.. but that's ok.. checking out the 1 millionth apt tonight. keep your fingers crossed, if you believe in that sort of thing.
i've received a surprising number of responses to my status change on facebook. people apparently thought that because i went from no status to "single", i had been committed to someone. nope. was not. and i don't have patience for games, nor am i the kind of girl to sit and wait.
on the same note, i will and have been straight up and honest. i don't understand why things aren't sinking in on either side. i could not be more straightforward about the things i've said, and yet there still appears to be some strong misunderstandings with multiple people. is there a language barrier i'm missing?

* * * * *

i've been writing for about 5 hours, now. i should probably take a break.
but, ew, this blog definitely needs a makeover when i come back.

p.s. i promised wedding pictures. here are my shots from the haddad wedding.

wedding recovery.

this past weekend was absolutely unbelievable.  two very dear friends of mine got married and it was, by far, the best wedding i had ever been to.  the photos are posting as we speak; i will update this entry with the link as soon as they're done uploading.  it'll take about another hour.  i should really learn how to prep for web..

in other news, here are some quick, i'm-getting-a-migraine-and-can't-stare-at-the-screen-much-longer updates..

• wisdom teeth surgery is set for july 3 (next thurs).  yes, i "lucked out" getting an appt so soon, but the pain is becoming unbearable.  my food choice is getting softer ever day.

• i have given out my business card.  that's cool :)  website is still not live.. should be up by the end of tonight.  tomorrow night, latest.

• for those who don't know, i now work @ margarita's.  no, you can't visit me until i'm done training.  so, when i'm back to work after my surgery, you're allowed to come in :)  no, no one's getting anything free.  let me establish myself there, first :P

• i might be changing my mind about wedding photography.  yes, i currently really suck at it (mostly lighting-wise).. but, i think with some practice, i could really enjoy it.  maybe i'll pick up a few assisting gigs for the summer.  shooting, only, of course.

• things are still up in the air with HStock.. haven't heard from them.  expecting a check.. i'm going to shoot them an e-mail before i pass out tonight.

just one little angry update:

• i really don't like you.  i wouldn't care except that you're making a very important decision for me extremely difficult and it shouldn't even have anything to do with you.  that makes me dislike you even more.

(for the record, i can 120% guarantee this person does not read my blog.  so no, it's not you, innocent reader.)

that's all.  back soon with the links.

holy crap, i'm tired.

for the pure sake of amusement..

i usually save all that survey crap for myspace because, let's be honest, no one reads that bulletin shit, anyways.  i'd rather not trash my blog with stuff like that, but this seemed amusing and i need something a little light-hearted and pointless to life at the moment.  you'll get over it.  feel free to do it yourself.

The Google.

1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
emily needs almost 24-hour care.

haa.....:(

2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
emily looks like a very charming woman, with a natural beauty and a sparkling, unconstrained expression in her face.

hey, i'll take that :)


3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
emily does her best.

well, it's about time someone noticed.

4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
emily hates you.

aww.. that might be true.  ;)


5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:
emily goes to berkley.

no, she doesn't.  she should've looked into it, though.


6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
emily loves to bounce.

...*dying laughing*  (it's funny cuz it's truuuue... it sometimes replaces wiggling.)

7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
emily eats some corn pops on the way to the party.

do i..  do i really..


8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
[when] emily has to shit..

it's a youtube video.  and no, it's not even a little amusing..

9: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:
[do you think] emily will be pregnant by casey?

no, i don't.


10:Type in "[your name] went" in Google search:
emily went and did it.

it's true.  i'm sorry.


11:Type in "[your name] was" in Google search:
emily was a well-behaved girl.

emily dickinson, apparently.  i guess i was, once upon a time, as well.

12:Type in "[your name] believes" in Google search:
emily believes she owes no one taxes.

so fuck off, massachusetts.

bands you should know.

djatmaterra.

sort of a guster/dispatch sound.

the lead is an old camp friend of jay's.

they used to jam together.. aww. ;)

lansdowne.

discovered them at the 5/31 show they did with djatmaterra.

griffon.

met these guys through kait.

the singer's teaching me guitar.

sometimes, they give me free wings and beer ;)

no casino.

also discovered at the middle east on 5/31.

big. f-ing fan.  i love a band that can really work a stage.

r.i.p colby hillier, 22, whs 'o4.

about a week ago, colby hillier's boyfriend crashed his car in douglas, with her in the car.

drugs and alcohol were involved.  "foul play" was suspected.

both were taken to the hospital; he was treated and released.

colby was unconscious.

her boyfriend was charged with drunken driving and surrendered to police custody.

colby passed away at umass memorial early this morning.

best wishes to the hillier/charland family.

no one should ever have to know what this feels like.

i'm going to single you out..

dear kelly (from iop),

if you still read this, get the hell in contact with me.

i miss you.

and i have no other way to contact you :(

love,

me.

d.o.f whore.

some shots i took @ the family reunion today.  many more to come.  they'll also be up on flickr later.

i'm too hot and lazy to write full sentences and blog like a normal person.

where i'm at..

i can't help but wonder if i've missed my last break - if from here on out, my life is just going to be a mess of event after event and when one thing calms down, another will be sure to take its place. which, i'm sure i'll be able to handle. i would have just really liked to have a break somewhere to be ready to organize everything.

i guess i can try to organize here.. hey, what else is a personal blog de word-purge for..

1.) since graduation, i have been working on freelance projects - one of which (as many of you know) is driving me out of my mind. it's a mess and we're trying to figure out what to do about it. i've worked to try to find more cost/time-efficient ways of working the job, but i feel like they're putting a lot of money into me going nowhere. my boss told me to take a break for now.. we'll see. until then, i'm going to try to find a way to work it. i feel like i'm missing something.

2) i really need to blog more. i have so much to blog about and i'm really slacking. (sorry, readers! not that many of my f.o readers read this one as well..) but it's stressing me out because it's piled up so much. i should really just sit down and bang out a bunch of entries and pre-date them - which blogger let's you do now - so they'll post more consistently.

3) money's tight, but somehow i'm surviving off what i've got. i don't know where this stock job's going to go, but i have a job fair coming up. i have business cards in the mail and a website built, i just need to really get on the actual gallery work. it's lookin pretty good, though, thanks to bill :) i also have a restaurant interview in a week so i can start bringing in some steadier money.
i thought working from home was going to be fantastic, but it's really a struggle to get myself motivated and working. it's not really my style. when things tie up with hunt, i think i'm going to avoid work like that again, at least until i have an actual office. working on my bed is really not the brightest idea, but there's nowhere else to go in my house.

4) my head has been.. full. i'm more than ready for what's going on, there's just a lot coming with it and it's weird for me - understandably so. there are just things i want to say that i can't tell whether or not they're relevant (yet). i'm wondering if relevance doesn't even matter and i should just spit it out before it fucks with my head any further. it's been years since i've dealt with something like this and, to be perfectly honest, i don't have a fucking clue what i'm doing right now. soo.. wish me luck. (i know.. one of those really classic-emily "wtf are you talking about" posts. believe me.. you all know exactly what i'm talking about.)

5) it appears that the possibility of moving out is.. not all that possible right now. it's difficult. i'm sure i'll find something in my rage, but it's frustrating and difficult. i'm trying not to get my hopes up right now, but.. c'mon. let's be honest.. i gotta get out of that apartment for like, a million reasons.

6) i have a lot of dr appts to make. i need to get my eyes rechecked and replace the glasses that apparently fell out of my bag on the train a few months ago. (yes, i'm prone to losing shit. get over it. i have.) but hey, insurance covers it. i just miss my glasses :(
i'm going to have a consultation for invisilign (woo!) because my wisdom teeth have fucked up my bottom row. yanno, coming in sideways and all..
which brings me to my next kick ass appts i need to make: 2 oral surgeries. i need my wisdom teeth out and i need to have jaw surgery. the good news is, i've waiting so long to do it that they no longer need to break and reconstruct my jaw like they told my mom they would need to do when i was little.. now, it'll hopefully just be arthroscopic. but still.. 2 oral surgeries. seriously..
and for the record, never listen to your friends about whether or not you should have gotten or should be getting your wisdom teeth out :P just go to the fucking dentist. i'm getting mine out at the perfect time, after having multiple people freak me out about having possibly waited too long.. why do i do that to myself?

whether or not you read all this, i don't really care. although, i'll admit, that's pretty impressive. i just needed to get this all out. honestly, i feel a little more relaxed about it all. i love my blog.
now, i'm going to go finish up my laundry, finish all my calls (huge for me..), and get the hell back to waltham. and keep myself busy and distracted.. i hate when i can't control where my head's at.

nowhere to go, but up - the 100th post.

i consider the diploma that i received today my closure to the past 4 years of my life. according to the school, it was only for going through their photography program. for me, i feel like it was a really appropriate way to conclude everything that i've been doing since walking away from westborough high 4 years ago this month.

it took me a long time to get past the fact that i would not have 4 consecutive years at one school like the rest of my friends did. i felt rather inadequate for a while and it was difficult to work through that. i spent a lot of my time being babysat in treatment centers and hospital rooms while my friends were out doing what we're expected to do. it was hard to think that i wasn't any less of an 18-21 year old during that time, which i realize sounds beyond ridiculous.

now, i would say my experiences were something i can be pretty happy about going through. my time at dean was undeniably life-changing. the progression of my disease certainly would have gone differently had it not been for being there and i think it happened just as it needed to. while i was struggling to keep myself together in california, i can't seem to remember anything negative about that trip. i was rewarded with the feeling of being accepted into a great program at a 4-year institution, even if i ended up turning it down. and CDIA.BU... well, there really couldn't have been a more perfect time for that to come along. as for everything else that has become more than common knowledge, i am far from ashamed that i have spent so much of the last 3 years fighting my demons. in fact, i have never been more proud of myself in almost 22 years that i have gotten to this point exactly how i did. i wouldn't take a second of it back for anything, because i'm finally being rewarded with the life that i never used to think i deserved.

the fun facts my mom loves pointing out is that, out of high school, i wanted 3 things so badly that i strongly believed i would never have: to attend BU, to live in the boston area, and to graduate college with the same class i graduated high school with. i got it all in my own way, just as i've always done things. it feels pretty damn good.

so, here's to the end of another chapter and to the beginning of a new one.
i am so proud of all of the people that i have watched grow in the past 4 years in all of their own ways and i am proud to see the amazing things that many of the people i love are headed for.
thank you to everyone who had my back through the worst and best of it (and some of you don't know who you are, but i'll be sure to let you know). there are really no words for what it means to have you in my life.

congratulations to the class of 2oo8.
no matter your age,
no matter your definition of "graduation",
no matter how you got there.
no excuses, no regrets.

some retouching samples.

i've started another blog (don't worry - practicum is over so i only run 3) for my retouching work. just some samples, how i did them, and sometimes a trick or two. it's still a baby so there's a lot of work to be done. i'll get a real banner up there soon enough. you just wait.

anyways, i did head shots for a friend and fellow actress yesterday, so check 'em out. i was really happy with the outcome, then she told me she loved them, so now i'm really happy with it, lol.

esretouch.blogspot.com

i refuse to make *that* fbook group.

my phone has mysteriously disappeared. i refuse to say "i lost it" because it was next to me in my car, where i usually keep it... and i haven't seen it since. weirdest thing ever. yes, i've torn my car apart (which is mostly clean, believe it or not) and checked the parking lot it disappeared in and called the restaurant twice to make sure no one brought it in. bag, pockets, glove compartment...

maybe it's like how some cats run away from home when they know they're going to die.


anyways, that's all besides the point.

the POINT is that i need all of your phone numbers. believe it or not, there are only 4 people in this world that i have memorized, so even if you think, "oh, we've been friends forever and ever" i probably don't know your number.

the 2 best ways to get it to me:
e.mail me.
im me.

go.

school = over.

i procrastinated. a lot. and i paid for it. a lot.

in the past week, i had to pull my whole multi-media project together (as debuting at the end of this post), do one more shoot, print & mat (not to mention, cut the mats) 3 10x15 gallery prints, pick out 50 imgs to burn for the galley slideshow/cdia archiving, burn 20 of my best from practicum, and try to remember to eat and sleep.
then, of course, i had to deliver the final movie & and imgs (45 finals) to my client. a, now, very satisfied client, by the way.

i came in early today, which is automatically earlier than i have ever been in school, and crammed it all in. and i actually did it. i finished everything, got it all in, and received some pretty great feedback. and for the first time in weeks, the idea of graduation has hit me. it probably didn't really excite me before because there was so much standing in the way, but i've completed it.

i can breathe. and i am officially graduating in 8 days.

anyway, here's my final practicum project. it is intended to be a promotional video for their website. enjoy! :)

a quick shot from cloud.

this is one of my favorite shots from my client's project. i thought i would share.

fun fact: that handsome hand belongs to none other than the handsome jayme rubenstein. he came to their big event i had to shoot monday night... just like everyone else should have :P

making changes.

i've decided i am not going to apologize for myself and how i've acted these past 2 weeks or so, because that was out of my control. i do, however, appreciate the patience that you've all had with me (3 people, in particular). it's meant a lot. let's just say some lifestyle changes have been made (we can blame my insurance company for one of the major ones) and i think things are going to start to even out from here on in.

surprisingly enough, i've shown a great deal of contrast in how i handled things (specifically last tuesday and wednesday night) in comparison to how i would in the past, which was very comforting. i've also found the motivation to give myself more of a push and have gotten a great deal of typically difficult-for-me-to-accomplish tasks out of the way this week. that feels pretty good.

new goal: avoiding the phrase "i can't afford it." the phrase, in itself, is rather victimizing, which is not my style; i was taught better than that. whether or not it's true, there is nothing necessary about saying it and it doesn't get me any closer to being able to "afford it". besides, i am actively job-searching, and have made a good deal of money (utt) in the past month which...blows my mind. at least i know, now, that i am officially set (bills/rent) at least through july. not to mention, i expect to have more money coming in before that time, anyways. i really have nothing to worry about.

life, coping skills, personality traits... these things are all a constant work in progress, aren't they...
as long as i can continue to consider myself "stable", i consider myself in a very good place.

american apparel; photo gallery in disguise.

dear american apparel,

are you actually selling this shit????? check out those blues. and what, did your uncle jim with his $800 pentax do the amazing photog work?

here are some prize-winners. hard shadows and the bottom of the seamless. or, probably just the white wall in uncle jim's dining room. god, hire a retoucher, at least.

and, for your viewing pleasure, i figured i would share with you (as they did, apparently) how talented their staff photographer's really are. they seem to find it appropriate to post a slide show of irrelevant staff-created work on their clothing site. is this a joke??

real ads, from the good ol' days.

and my personal favorite:

+/-.

-

i was so tired last night, i couldn't even type. if you know me, you know that's bad. i almost felt like i was dying. so, i went to bed in record time: 11pm.

...then, i woke up at 12am and could only sleep in 20 min intervals (if that) for the rest of the night. torture.

on top of that, someone came to visit, drunk, @ 3am and 110% lacks common courtesy to shut the hell up when other people are sleeping. i texted, i hit the wall... i woke up very angry, as did our other roommate. i'm over it now, but this is not the only time it has happened. i've been pretty patient, but someone else is about to snap.



+

i just bought a 500gb hard drive. for $100. that was already in the form of store credit, anyways. famazing. it's usb, which kind of sucks, but i would choose size over speed for $100 (free money) any day. (...don't. i know what i said.)

i'm doing some clean up work and it's running horribly slow, but it'll be worth it.