i probably would.

amen.

stupid black pants.

They're driving me crazy. Every time I put them on, I know that within the hour, I will be walking into a world of pure, unadulterated dysfunction and drama. Unfortunately, the dysfunction is not just on the customers' behalf. Oh, no, we contribute plenty of that on our very own. How grown up of us.

I am not coming up on month 10 of serious, "real-world" job searching with horrifyingly little luck and nothing but 1 measly interview. I have obsessively updated my Monster and LinkedIn profiles to no end and can't imagine what it takes to get a view in this place. How hard is it to find a job sitting at a desk, answering phones, and picking up bitch work that other people don't feel like doing? ..Pretty hard, apparently. But still, I push on.

For those who don't know, I am completing my Graphic Design Certificate at the end of July. It seems far away, but it's only two more modules. Technically, one split into two parts: Portfolio I and Portfolio II. I am pretty excited. Even more so, I'm absolutely thrilled at the idea of rejoining the academic world to work on my degree. I'm leaning heavily towards psychology, but I've been thinking a lot about the medical side of the health world. I'm fascinated by it. Unfortunately, my weak stomach keeps me from a large portion of options in that department, but I can't keep from thinking there might be a place for me. Nonetheless, I'll be studying some form of health science.
On top of that, I'll get to take college courses (for credit!) in graphic design and really work on expanding my skills. That's really exciting for me.

But, it is Friday night.. and it's poker night (ma ma ma ma).
More to come. I really miss writing.

my 12 hour days.

Things that are easy: staying on your feet, going nonstop for 13 hours straight with only a 1 hour break.
Things that aren't as easy: working in a slower, non-energetic job for 8 hours, then sitting in front of a computer and listening to lectures for 3 hours with a total of a 1 hour break.

Sounds odd, but makes sense.

I have two hours left and I am determined to not nod off.. as difficult as that is.

vital update.

• i am 4 classes away from completing the graphics program. (then, it's on to web.) i'm loving it, but stressed about the schedule.
  
• still working @ acmoore, but now under the title of "merchandising supervisor." title aside, nothing else has changed..
• still interning @ meda & still loving it. i worked my first health fair 2 wks ago and it felt pretty good.
• my current roommates are moving out in less than a month and i actually found a roommate *before* becoming retardedly desperate!
• in the same vein, i'm working hard to keep myself grounded about the new roommate. don't want to relive anything..
• i still really love my apt <3 i can't believe it'll be a year at the end of july.

i need to write more. i don't just mean blogging, but actually by hand. my mental state has been.. questionable lately. i don't mean questionable like slipping back into old thoughts, or depressed, or anything. i just feel like i might be able to think straighter and clearer if i actually got back to journaling. you know, with a real pen.. on paper..  that'll be my new goal. to try to write (far away from a computer keyboard) at least a couple times a week. we'll see what that does for clearing my head.

but, yes, blogging, too. i'm going to try to do that. i've got a lot to say. guess i should make time for it.
hope you're all well <3

it's funny cuz it's true..

music that makes you dumb.

Let's look at a few things.. first of all, someone actually took the TIME to make this chart. What does that tell you. Second of all, considering you can find basically every kind of music/band you can think of off the top of your head and none of them (aside from Beethoven) exceed 1300, I'm going to have to say this is far from evidence-based. Although, I am happy to find Ben Folds and Guster coming closer to making the cut. However, a large majority of people who score over 1300 and *gasp* even hit the big 1600 probably listen to a lot of this.

Does the person who made this chart not listen to music? It doesn't even make sense.
And one more thing.. isn't the highest you can score on SATs now 2400 or something?? They added a new section after my class took them. Whatever.

this has to do with my IQ how??

is anyone else REALLY creeped out by these facebook ads??

murphy's law cancelled my plans.

tonight, i was supposed to shoot a friend's show (cure for static). i spent a total of about an hour making sure my commute went smoothly and as safely as possible. (nothing like walking alone in boston with $1600 worth of equipment on your back.. i made arrangements to avoid that.) i had someone meeting me at the train, and a ride back. times were double checked to be sure i would get back before the final train.

i spent an hour packing and charging, making sure i had every last piece of equipment i needed, making sure everything worked and all my cards were formatted and i had the right cards and ID, a little cash - which i didn't think i'd need - my keys, phone, everything. i am not the most prepared person in the world and, knowing this, made sure i had prepared correctly. i ran out the door and got to the T station on time and, as promised, called my friend so he knew i was on my way.

i pulled the $5 out of my pocket as i pulled in, prepared to use $3 of it to pay for my parking. parking at the station went up and was now $5.75. what the fuck. so, i dug into my car change and gave the attendant the whole $5.75 i had on me.

i parked and ran up to buy a ticket (couldn't find my Charlie Card anywhere before i left). i put my check card into the machine (exp date: 09/12) and it was immediately rejected while i was told it was.. expired. lies.

i drove home. there were no other options. i drove home and grabbed my credit card, which i forbid myself to use unless it's an absolute emergency. count it. i get back to the station, explain to the woman what happened and that i just paid for parking 10 minutes ago. the language barrier caused some disturbance, but i was able to get back into my spot without much of a fight.

i grabbed "all" my stuff and made a run for the train, which was in the station as i pulled up. clearly, i wasn't getting on that one. it has now been approximately 20 min since i told my friend i was on my way.

trying desperately to catch my breath, i shoved my credit card into the machine to get a $5.oo ticket to ride. "cannot read card. please try again." you've got to be kidding me. i ran it 6 or 7 times and then decided to try to pull it out a different way as it was a little warped. finally, it took it. i shoved the ticket into the gate - down to $3.30 - and walked to the train.

figuring another train would not be by for about 5-10 minutes, i thought i'd pull out my cell phone and bitch via Twitter. not in my back pocket.. not in my jacket pockets.. i groped at myself for about 20 seconds before i realized.. my phone was still in my car.

i took a deep breath - getting stressed would not get me to landsdowne st any faster - and exited the station to get my phone. i wouldn't make it to the show without it as i had to meet up with people at the kenmore station to know where i was going and get there safely. as i exited, it occurred to me that there was no one but the ticket machine to convince that i had already paid my fare. i would have to pay another $1.70 to get back on the train and, of course, $1.70 to get back home.. which meant putting another $5 on the ticket, as i would come up $o.1o short after having already paid once.

at some point, you have to figure that.. maybe i'm just not meant to go to the show tonight. i fought the best i could, but the night fought harder and it was time to turn around and go home. sometimes, the universe has a funny way of telling us, "you should probably stay home tonight." i called the boys to apologize and thank them for the trouble they went through to try to get me there. he told me to get home safely and they'll see me at the next one. hopefully, their next show will not be on a night when the universe has decided it doesn't want me going out.

the good news is: i'm ridiculously tired and have more work to do than i know how to handle. i have to admit it's a bit of a load off to know that i can put my pajamas on at 10pm, get some work done, and get to bed early to finish the mountain of projects i have in the morning.

i'm going to go make tea.

omg, a blog!

hmm.. it seems as if i've fallen sadly behind on my personal blog. actually, kind of both, but way more on this one.

i've been very busy, but would really like to make writing more part of my business. i promise to try harder.

since december 12th, i have started working.. at least, i'm pretty sure it was after that point. i feel like i've been there for about 3 months, now, so my sense of time is even more distorted than usual. i work at a craft store that is going to remain nameless so that i have the freedom to tell stories about dumb people there! and there are so.. many of them. i'm hoping to not be back in retail for long, but for now, i'm happy as hell to have a source of "income".

so, now i'm working. i'm an intern at MEDA (the multi-service eating disorder association) and spend 1 day a week in the office, mostly doing design work. it's awesome and i'm freaking in love with it. i was also offered a position at a framingham elementary school for an after-school program. i would be teaching little kids how to knit :D i start next friday on a volunteer basis, just so we can get to know each other. i'll be assisting the current teacher and, if all goes well, well.. we'll see :)
tomorrow, i'm auditioning for "some girls" at hovey players tomorrow. if i get in (i hope, i hope, i hope..), it will be the first show i've done since "fools" back in may.. thanks to waitressing. i loved serving, but now i can work hours that don't rape me of rehearsal time!
..i'm not home much, lately. i'm not even working full-time (not sure how that happened..) and i'm working towards finding full-time. i'm just worried it's going to cause me to sacrifice MEDA hours. that would suck.

that's that, for now.
now, for a fun "retail customers are retarded" story.

here's a short-but-fun one from one of our custom framing employees:

a man walks up to the CF counter and says, "hey, do you sell any of that invisible wire for hanging photos?"
"yup, it's right over here!" she walks over and grabs a package of fishingline-esque material off the shelf and hands it to him. he looks at her as if she had just done something horribly, horribly wrong.
"is this some kind of joke?"
"not a very funny one.. what's wrong, sir?"
"this wire isn't invisible. i can see it."
...

peace out!

i want to adopt her.

some of you may remember Capucine, the cutest little 4-year-old French girl i have ever seen in my life. there is a video of her telling the most ridiculous, fantastical story and it's unbearably adorable.

i'll post her original internet appearance for those who haven't had the chance to be enlightened by such an unbelievable imagination. but first, the greatest letter to santa clause ever.. as dictated to her mother.

“Père Noël,

I would like a nice gift, and I would like to see you.

Because I have been very good throughout the year. I have listened well, I have cleaned up my room by myself and I had fun at school, and I have played with my friends.

Also, I am going to move, I will have a nice house and a mezzanine.

I eat everything, but sometimes, I don’t.

Then I would like to see you for Christmas and Halloween and talk to you. I would like to sing you a song-poem. When is winter coming ?

Also I would like to talk to you, but if you leave and go far away, I would like to see you in your house.

If I hug you, your beard will not sting, it will only tickle.

And I would like to go into your sleigh. How will I do that ? Do I have to climb up the trees ?

Kisses,

Capucine.”

here's her famous zoo story:


Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

she's miss bad-media-karma.

my mom will hear a song and go, "holy crap, david, we were shopping for bananas after that party the 3rd week after we met the last time we heard this song!" and i think, what the fuck.. who remembers that?? well, my thought process isn't that detailed (and hers aren't usually that creepily detailed, either), but i remember i was 11 or 12. my dad was driving me home from school and listening to kiss 108fm when the newest pop sensation came on with, "hit me baby, one more time."

"who is this?"
"britney.. something. i forget."
"you like her?"
"i LOVE her. this is like, my favorite song."
"..what does she want you to hit?"
i rolled my eyes. "i don't know, dad.. just listen to the song.."

she always had a knack for "catchy." even the last person in the world i would ever expect to like her music has a thing for "toxic"; you can't really help it.
as it is, she's an easy target. she went crazy, she shaved her head, she married a giant douchebag-lookin' guy.. she was a mess, and america would sit and laugh and talk about her ass on the cover of the tabloids over coffee. would you still do that if she was a friend of yours?
i think one of my favorite things is how everyone talks about how she shouldn't be allowed to be a mother. that's a pretty strong statement to make about a person, in general. seeing as how millions of people who make this statement don't even know her outside of magazines and articles whose ultimate goal is to draw readers, yes, i'm sure you have all the facts to judge someone's parenting ability.

why am i sticking up for britney spears, the biggest pop trainwreck of my generation and a person i don't even know? because i know her better than billions of people know the billions of people that they judge out of context every day. she has just as much baggage as the next guy and people just love to place judgement on others to make themselves feel better.
i like her. i like her spunk and the possibility of how human she may actually be.

i had so much more to say before i read jezebel this morning and realized that, not only do they feel the same way.. but they wrote it much more eloquently than i could have. if you care to read on, head over here.

can't shut off the mind.

i am back in the metro-west after spending the holiday in my hometown 45 minutes west. it was a lot more relaxed than i had expected, to be honest. i somehow thought that i would feel the kind of stress i feel when i spend a day doing nothing productive. however, i guess that's what the past couple days were for, so i was rather welcoming to that.

but now, it's back to work. you know, that job i work 7 days a week but doesn't pay shit? yeah, that's the one. soon, though. i will have a new job soon.
i think the hardest part about job searching is that i don't feel like i really deserve free time to myself when i'm at home. i feel like if i'm here and doing something other than making calls or working on my resume & cover letter, i'm being totally unproductive, which, makes it hard for me to manage my time in a way that allows for the things i do actually feel like doing, like design projects, knitting, writing.. there seems to be no appropriate time allotted for these right now. i can't wait until i have a full time, hourly-scheduled job where i will be able to come home and know that the only things i have to do are the things i want to do.

speaking of things i want to do, i thought of a really cool idea that combines crafts, income, and my need to contribute. i mean, yeah, there are the hats, but this is different. it would take a little money to start, but i think my chances of success would be much higher than with the hats (which are taunting me with their existance). they would be easier to make in quanity without getting boring, easier for people to customize, and a much smaller chance of wool allergies ;)
as for the hats, i think i'm going to round me up some models (anyone interested? the more the better), get some pictures of these suckers once and for all, and put them up on etsy - the seemingly top pick for all my crafting/craft-buying friends.

alright, it's 3:12a and i am far from tired. that ain't good. my sleep is really screwed up and i'm not really sure what the best idea would be to fix this. B would say to try to go to bed 15 min earlier every night, but 15 min is so easy for me to say, "ehh, just 15 more min" to, which pretty much destroys the purpose.
gus has been asleep for 2 hrs. i wish people had the same sleep patterns as cats sometimes. it's so easy.

ugh. wish me luck.

my list de thanks.

this year, i am the most thankful:

• for the unconditional love and support i have received and continue to receive from my friends and family.
• for the skills, lessons and tools i have acquired over the past year.
• for my new found health and happiness.
  
• for my absolutely beautiful apartment that i still can't believe i found.
• for the roommates that saved my ass just in time.
• for the people that have offer to help when i need it without a second thought.
• for rediscovering passion.
• that i am able to appreciate every aspect of my life even in circumstances that others would find it difficult to do so.
• that i have learned to let go and move on. (still a slight problem, but it's gotten much better.)
• for reconnecting to people in new ways.
• my beautiful boy who is literally a constant reminder of my accomplishments..

it is an ever growing list, of course, but it is 3am.. so i'm going to head to bed.
fantastic thanksgiving. hope you all had the same :)
the fun continues tomorrow..

gd project: part 2.

alright, here's another kiwi update.
i've been stuck on the same thing for a couple of hours now.. the fuzz, the glistening, the gut texture. dammit, kiwis. i really want to get this right, but wtf. people have done some pretty insane photo-realistic illustrations and i can't get a damn kiwi? c'mon, now.
i can think of some things i could do, but you can only do them in cs4, which i don't own yet.

oh, and the middle looks dirty.. not sure what to do with that, yet. that radial blur kind of helped, but kind of made it worse. my seeds are also a little spacey; i'll have to bring this in a bit more. i think i'm going to need to do a little photoshop work in there, but i can't yet.

anyways, here are the updates:

my 2nd big gd project: part 1.

for my Ai class, i have to create a photo-realistic illustration. i.e. illustrate something that, unless you know, should look like a photograph. i am nervous, but i think it's starting off well.

i have a thing for kiwis (they're like, totally my fave, omg) so i went with that. i think the fact that they're rather glisten-y is going to be difficult, but i think i can do it. we're also not supposed to use outside sources, so i'm going to have to make my own paintbrushes which, obviously, i've never done before.

anyways, here's what i have so far. i'll update it as it comes along :)

things i wish i could say to people.

but since, for 1 reason or another, i cannot.. i'll say them here in hopes of letting it get out of my head and i can let it be.

1. you are unbelievable. you can play dumb all you want, but it's time to look someone in the face and be honest with them. i put in way more effort than i should have. i am so done.
   
   
2. i've said everything i possibly could to you, and never felt like you heard any of it, and you expect me to still be here? it doesn't matter.. everything you've ever told me was a lie, anyways. this right here.. this is me letting go of you. finally.
   
   
3. i wish *so* badly you could have gotten to know me. i'm not who you think i am, i promise.
   
   
4. i couldn't get you out of my head for days. you either shouldn't have left, or you shouldn't have told me that you wish you hadn't.
   
   
5. i hate the way you treat me sometimes, and how i keep going back. i don't take your crap personally, but i wish you would catch yourself like you say you wish others would.
   
   
6. you're right. we wouldn't. the funniest part is, she couldn't even deny it.
   
   
7. what happened to you?? do you hear yourself anymore? some of the things you couldn't stand about her.. you do them.
   
   
8. you have led me to try to talk as little as possible around you. that way, i don't have to feel completely trivial when you interrupt me to say something that has nothing to do with anything i'm trying to tell you.. every single time i'm trying to have a conversation. this wouldn't suck so bad if you weren't so important to me.
   
   
9. i can't help but feel like if i could just meet you, i could help. i wish so badly you would let me help.
   
   

oh man, i've been dying to get that shit out.
now.. to see if i can move on without saying it to their faces.

affairs made easy.

my roommate left the tv on and tyra came on. now, i am no talk show fan, but i get sucked in rather easily. it turned out to be a show on the 'ashley madison agency' website. i can't actually believe something like this exists. it's really disheartening, in fact.

the ashley madison agency's slogan is, "life is short. have an affair." it is a dating site for married men and women to look up their ideal match for cheating on their significant other. according to tyra, in 7 out of 10 relationships, someone is being cheated on. is this supposed to give people hope? does anyone not cheat anymore? i mean, there's a website specifically for this shit.

one woman says, "it ended my marriage, but it saved my life." she was miserable in her marriage. you could have ended your marriage first. you could have it all without cheating. if you're miserable, staying in a marriage and seeing someone else most likely isn't going to fix anything any faster. what a crock of shit.

i lose more and more hope. this is disgusting.

look ma!

i did this in my first illustrator class on saturday :)

and she waits and she waits..

this election, think about your body.

An e-mail I received from the Planned Parenthood Action Fund:

10 Things Every Woman Should Know About McCain & Palin:

• John McCain opposes equal pay legislation, saying it wouldn’t do "anything to help the rights of women."
  
• John McCain opposes requiring health care plans to cover birth control.
  
• John McCain opposes comprehensive, medically accurate sex education.
  
• John McCain opposes funding to prevent unintended and teen pregnancies.
  
• John McCain opposes funding for public education about emergency contraception.
  
• John McCain opposes restoring family planning services for low-income women.
  
• John McCain opposes Roe v. Wade and says it should be overturned.
  
• John McCain wants to nominate Supreme Court justices who are "clones" of conservative Justices Alito and Roberts.
  
• John McCain said he was "stumped" when asked whether contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV.
  
• In his 25 years in Washington, DC, John McCain has voted anti-choice 125 times!