yup.. it's definitely fall time.

"i don't think people are meant to be by themselves."  jd, scrubs

my head's uncomfortable.

what we've come to.

f1: "he probably has a crush on you."
me: "he has a girlfriend."
f2: "that doesn't mean anything.."

i can't argue it, which is why it sucks. if i were the girlfriend, i'd be pretty pissed if i knew this conversation was going on somewhere. nothing's ever set in stone, is it. relationships are never bulletproof, and everyone knows it.

this whole concept freaks me out.

i'm lovin' it.

i've gotten hold of a lap top rental (thanks, bill) for the past 15 hours or so, so i'll leave a quick one for the sake of semi-consistency.

work is going well. believe it or not, i'm looking at the possibility of advancement. yes, folks, it's apparently possible and will be a fantastic feeling considering i'll have to cut back some hours once i head back to school in 11 days. i'm pretty excited about that, especially because i've never actually advanced at a job before. of course, none of my jobs really provided that sort of opportunity (unless you consider my almost-move-up to photo lab tech at cvs a few years ago.. haa..). i got to admit, i'm pretty proud of the work i'm doing considering how much i never used to be willing to push myself. i've come a long way and it feels pretty damn good to see what i'm capable of. i may complain about how worn down i am after hitting overtime, but i'm secretly pretty proud of it.

the apartment is fantastic and still immaculate. i've become a slightly compulsive cleaner, which i'm okay with. it's sometimes annoying due to the whole obsessive-compulsive struggle in general, but hey, my house is clean. nothing wrong with that, right?
of course, it's proving difficult to bring someone new in. i'm pretty anxious about it, but the anxiety has been surprisingly decreasing. i know it will all work out how it's meant to. i have to remember i can only have so much control. how unfortunate for someone with my nature. i guess that's part of the lesson. hey, knowing i have a problem is half the battle, right? i can only get so far at a time.


future plans i'm working on:

• completely redesigning f.o (who's readership is growing surprisingly fast, even in spite of me not being able to update, currently.. how odd.. but awesome).
  
  
• getting my work for bill completed (if i can get past the part where i don't completely have a grasp on design yet and just getting a temporary banner out, at least).
  
  
• finally finding a name for the hat situation and getting that whole project on the move ,the ultimate goal being to combine a sales method that will work through f.o (as part of the profits will be donated to neda).
  
  
• advancing at work (as mentioned before) and working on increasing my income in fewer hours while at school.. which may even allow me to work less nights and have more of a social life with my 9-5 friends
  
  
• writing more.. a lot more. not just blogging, but i mean really writing and getting my work out further than the internet - the time deal is slightly difficult though.. which leads me to my next goal:
  
  
• finding a way to better manage my time to fit in all my projects. let's face it: i'm not one to be able to do one thing at a time and i'm determined to do it all. my calendar is about to become my own 24/7 personal assistant. honestly, i'm kind of glad i can't afford the IPT yet.. i think writing everything down is actually keeping me more organized for the time being.

that's all.. time to eat and head back to my other building of residency.
if you live in the area, i highly recommend coming in. visitors always make my shift a little more exciting.

peace out.

checking off to-dos.

yesterday was my "off" day.
i never actually have an off day; they're usually spent doing everything i need to during the week but don't have time to due to work. and, for once, i did it all. i fixed my car (which needed a ridiculous amount of work that couldn't be put off any longer) and finally got a new inspection sticker. i finally sent my lap top in, which should have been done months ago. losing the function of about 10 keyboard keys wasn't something i could easily ignore, unlike my fan overworking itself or my usb ports getting shorted..

long and short: yesterday was awesome. it felt so good to get all this crap off my shoulders that i've needed to do since as far back as february.

anyways, short haitus (not that you're not used to it) from blogging for a bit.
like i said, my mac's @ apple and i'm not sure how often i'll be able to get to the school until i get it back. you'll be ok.

peace out ;)

treading water.

was sent home from work due to a serious case of cracked-outness.  my 40-50 hour weeks have gone up to 50-60 hour weeks.  that's too many hours.  my body can't handle it, my brain can't handle it.. i love margaritas, i really do, but i'm finally starting to understand sue.

i need a vacation.  a paid vacation.

i can't get one of those yet.

i'll probably have better luck finding a better job.

i miss my friends.

  all of them.

your every-2-weeks update.

alright, so, i work like my financial life depends on it, which it does.  i will admit, i absolutely love my job, but the physical toll it's taking on me is becoming really difficult.  last night, i went to bed crying due to excruciating pain shooting through my forearm.  it was my "carrying" arm - if you will - so that's the best i can come up with to excuse that, but i can't figure out why the pain is completely gone this morning.  my knees are falling apart, which they were anyways.  i have a doctor appointment coming up and i'm going to try to get a referral for a knee doctor and a chiropractor.  i can't be falling apart so early in my life.  a more desk-oriented job would be fantastic for the week days.  i would love to be able to just work margs part time and not depend on it for the majority of my income.

ending the pity-party, my enrollment in school is official.  my loan has been approved, i have been enrolled, and i start the graphic design program at cdia on september.  i'm so excited and so anxious, i can't even tell you.  i have all these projects i want to do and all these ideas and i don't know what to do with them and how to get them into my computer.  it's driving me insane.  i can't learn it fast enough and i still have to wait another 26 days to even start.  rawr.  at least i know i have something besides margaritas to look forward to in the near future ;)

more things to look forward to: knitting/crocheting season.  that's right, folks, the hats are back in production.  this winter, they will actually be actively on sale.  i've already banged out 2 and i'm looking for the best way to start making money with them.  part of the profits will - as planned all along - be donated to NEDA.  i haven't decided how much, yet (hey, all things considered, this girl needs to pay for groceries) or even how much to charge.  in the past year, i've been selling them to friends (..and doctors) for $10.  depending on how much i want to donate, i may raise the price.  i think the first thing, above all, is to figure out how to sell them.  craft show season is approaching, so i may find some local ones and find out how much it costs to set up a table.  maybe go in on a table with a friend or two (anyone interested?).  it sounds like it's all a little stressful, but i'm really excited planning it all.

before i head out, i would like to make mention of the watson family, neighbors and friends of ours for over 9 years.  our families, unfortunately, have had a bit too much in common lately, as mr. watson became very sick semi-recently.  he died of cancer this past thursday at only 6o.  while i don't know what it's like to lose a parent, i certainly know what it's like to watch such a close family member go through such an illness.  honestly, i feel a little guilty, all things considered, but i know that's out of my control.  anyways, all my love to you guys.  i'll see you in a few days. <3

sweet, sweet home.

my new apartment.. is incredible. i'm actually obsessed with it. i can't believe how happy and at home i feel here. and, even more so, how happy gus seems to be. there's no doubt that the tension i was suffering through didn't even come close to what he felt. he seems much more relaxed here, which makes me even happier.

i still have some stuff to unpack and organize, although i've thrown a lot of useless, old crap away (files, bills, stuff from when i first moved into the old apt).  the space is fantastic.  i have room to live and i don't feel like there are any boundaries in my own home.

we've done a lot of furnishing and a lot of money has gone into the place, but not nearly as much as it could have been.  mom and i rock the deals & sales.  don't mess with us in the christmas tree shop.

the nightmare is not completely over.  in fact, it has gotten slightly worse in an unbelievable way.  just a little bit longer and a few more tasks at hand and it should be done.  with everything i've been through and witnessed, you would think i could at least comprehend such disfunction.. but i've never seen anything like this before.

work is going well.  money is starting to pick up and should only get better from here with all the bentley/brandeis kids coming back this month.  i work 40-50 hr weeks and i'm pretty happy with what i have to show for it.  yes, making ends meet is slightly difficult, but you do what you have to.  i'm happy and i'm free, and that's what's important.  i have a new contract position which may or may not pull through.  however, i'm getting paid while we figure out if it'll last, so i'm okay with that.  i have a new network contact - a photographer - who wants to see some more up-to-date work and start feeding me clients.  and, on top of all that, i got my loan the other day to go back to school.

i've decided to take the "don't think too much" approach about going back to cdia.  the "thinking too much" goes along the lines of, "what if i can never pay back my loan?  what if i decide i hate what i'm doing and want a complete career change?  what if i crash?  what if i can't get enough hours at work around my school schedule?  what if i can't do the one show i've been dying to do for 9 years and finally have the opportunity for it?"  what if, what if, what if........what if i could get a grip and realize that if i don't go back to school, i'll be taking contract jobs that i only kind of enjoy and making my base income out of tips for the rest of my life?  when your full time job is waitressing and you've graduated.. is there really a "better time" to go back?  if you answered "no," then we're on the same page.  congrats.

boxes, duct tape & sharpies.

you've seen my cat.. allow me to introduce you to my roommate's cat:

in fact, i believe this was just a video of her cat taken and cartoonized.  the only exaggeration is that the poor thing can't figure out the actual button to shut off the tv.  i love sweetie ;)

so, most important piece of information to throw up here is that after 4 long months of searching, viewing 11 apts ranging from perfect-but-won't-allow-cats to are-people-expected-to-survive-in-this-place, and seemingly millions of phone calls ending in "..had a bad experience and won't allow cats anymore," i came across apt #12.

i expected it to be a quick, 10:30am drive-by ending with my "thanks.. i'll call you.. or something" just like all the others.  i looked at everything i could get into, whether or not it seemed ideal, just to be sure i didn't miss any opportunities.  i had nothing to lose.  funny how - after months of work - the place i finally get to walk into and think, this is my apt, comes along on july 27th.  i was approved on my birthday.  and everyone says there's nothing good about turning 22 ;)

it's.. better than i could have thought i could afford.  it's beautiful, great space, great features, GREAT storage, brand new carpet/flooring/paint.. and the location.  i had realtor after realtor tell me, "you should really think about expanding.  watertown and belmont are very close."  it always drives my mom crazy that when i really want something, i will get it.  i not only got the city, but i got  it off moody, just where i need it.  i more than cut my walk to work (and school) in half.  and (could it be any more perfect..) it's right across the street from a catholic church.  now i can go to mass whenever i want..... or something.  at least i can tell you i'll never be sleeping past 12 on a day off; you can hear those bells from watertown.

*note: roommate needed for sept 1.  male only.  let me know if you know of anyone looking.

now, all "hunting" energy now goes into job-hunting.  i'm waiting to hear back on a position i really want, but the guy is away until aug. 4, so i'm trying to be patient.  i started talking to him about a month ago.  i'm hoping..

also, i'm meeting with my admissions counselor from cdia on monday.  i'm petrified of what "going back to school" entails, but i'm also petrified of what it would mean to not do it.  i'm thinking of starting in the fall because, let's be honest, all that waiting gets me is another 4 months of living off of margaritas.  i love working there, but i would love to have a day job that doesn't involve the infamous sour-circles on my shirt.  not to mention, it'll be nice to be able to cover my bills & rent.. and have "extra" money so i can stop paying my credit card bill penny by penny.

fantastic things :D

loving my life.

not-so-lazy summer days.

been in a much better mood.  i have a really good feeling that my apt search is closing in on the end.  i'm also going to e-mail this guy about the job i want soon and hope that he's interested in my work.  i would really love to have a job doing.. what i would rather make a living off of.  don't get me wrong, i love serving and i'm definitely going to stay at margaritas no matter what job i find to make a living off of.  it's great (eventually "extra") cash and i love the people i work with.

i'm starting to look into going back to school again, as well.  apparently, everyone @ cdia is on vacation this week (or.. maybe just the 2 people i tried to contact), but i'm going to get in there and lay down all my questions about financial aid and payment plans and think about whether i would like to start the pt program in the fall or spring.  we will see.

and now, for something completely different, my carefree, well-off, happy-to-be-shaved-down baby:

this was taken with photobooth, because it's all i had to get it fast enough.

for the record, this picture REALLY doesn't do the hilarity of this pose justice.  i wish i had my camera next to me at the time.

(he's rubbing my laptop as i post this.  he knows when he's the focus.. no pun intended.)

back to the drawing board.

alright, my "finding the silver lining" idea was not so successful.  of course, nothing in life is that easy.  this shit takes work.  i'm cracked out.  i had a week of living on my parents' couch and then i went back to work and.. tomorrow will be my 3rd day off since that day i jumped back on my feet.

i mean, all things considered, i can validate myself.  with so much going on and no time to work through it, anyone would be a little cracked out.  but a quick blog trying to find the good parts won't cut it and bitching&moaning to the same person over and over again is clearly only going to make it worse.

tonight's goal:

putting down the lap top, soaking my feet in hot water, and breaking out an actual pen & paper.  i refuse to let it build until i blow or continue this streak of negativity that i can't even stand.  at least you can get away from me.  just.. give me a little space.  i'll bounce back.  i always do.

things to look forward to:

• my bank statement :D
• my day off tomorrow :D
• seeing my mom for the first time since i crawled off her couch from surgery :D
• urban interactive :D
• my birthday & related plans :D
• calling on these 2 apts i found tonight :D
• hearing back about a job i really want :D
• moving out :D  (it will be soon.. i can feel it.. it's coming.)
• the booze cruise :D
• new friends :D

..whatdya know.. already in a better mood :)

actually.. i'm in a great mood.  i found my fix :)

ooh, still need the hot water soak though.

finding my silver lining.

i have been ridiculously negative about a lot of things lately, which is far from who i've become.  i don't like it and i'm sure the people i converse with the most don't as well.  so, here's my project.  i'm going to list all the things that suck right now, but then i'm going to find the reasons why they're good.  this is what writing is for.

feel free to read on, but it's really just for my own sake.

thing that sucks #1:

this apartment.  the dirt, the grime, the bugs, the tension, the darkness, the morbidity, the fighting, the atmosphere..

the silver lining:

i'm not homeless.  in fact, it's a pretty good size and *most* of my stuff fits comfortably.  the rent is split 3 ways and - due to rent control - it's officially the cheapest non-shithole you can find for what i pay a month.  it's a half mile's walk to work and everything i need is within biking/walking distance and i only use my car a few times a week.  our landlord loves me (and my family) and is really laid back.  ..he's also offered to buy us rum cakes for our birthdays, which start today, but tana has yet to show.

i've set up a good home here, despite a few things that i'm trying to avoid saying so that i can stick with the "silver lining" aspect.  but, fuck, it's hard.  it's a nice place.  i got really damn lucky here.

tts#2:

my finances.  i always bitch and moan about them to the point where it even annoys *me* sometimes.  i know.  but i'm scared.

tsl:

i have a job.  and, according to all my well-worked math, it's not bad money.  it's a week before august and i can already pay august rent.  i'm not only making enough for where i live, but i could feasibly afford a higher rent on what i make.  it can at least suffice until i can find a better weekday job (when i don't make shit at the restaurant).  i'm doing ok for myself and i know i'll be on my feet before i know it.  i really need to give myself more credit for the work i do.  i'm working hard, full time, working on my portfolio, and heavily job searching.  what more can i do right now?

tts#3:

getting hurt over something so retarded.  the hardest part is thinking about everything i've survived and everything i've fought through in the past couple years.. i fought for my life.  and i actually still let a single person make me cry.

tsl:

okay, i'm definitely being too hard on myself, here.  and i know i'd hear that damn bell for saying that it's totally retarded that let myself get hurt over something so insignificant.  it was clearly significant enough, if it hurts.  and there's certainly a lesson in it, even if i haven't found it, yet.  maybe the lesson is that i need to let myself get hurt.  just because i've survived everything i have, i tend to think i'm supposed to be invincible now and this is my way of learning that i'm still only human.  i've been through worse - much worse - and i always find myself okay in the end.  so, here's to letting life teach me another lesson about letting go and letting myself not be ashamed of feeling hurt once in a while.

there were more.  maybe i should take advantage of the fact that i can't think of them right now.

i'm really going to work on the negativity thing.  i hate being that person, and that's really not who i am anymore.  i'm doing everything i can to fix all of the above and that's all i can do.  someday, i'll get my shit together.  a lot of people my age tend to be a little lost.. right?

don't you miss my xanga entries.

why does this have to be so dramatic.
why can't i just call it quits and be done with it.






and how the hell did i actually end up hurt in this ridiculous situation..
i really would have liked to think i have more control over myself than that.

buddy list art.

i'm easily amused, this isn't anything shocking to those who know me.  you can only imagine how much easier that gets the later it is at night.  okay, i have no excuse.. i always think it'd kind of cool when there are color patterns in my buddy list, the same way i am amused when there are number patterns in my odometer.  i like patterns, i can't help it.

thanks to those who made my buddy list art possible.

goodnight.

wait, i missed a holiday?

for those who don't know, i had my wisdoms out this past thursday.  most of you have had them out, so you all have your own stories.. and i've heard them all.  my story isn't a huge change from the giant mix i have received, though i must admit that i've certainly heard worse.  the only thing that puts my own twist on it is that my body apparently isn't in top shape for surgery, but i'm sure that doesn't come as a huge shock to many.  (it was that whole fasting-for-8-hrs-prior-to-anesthesia thing..)

the most important thing i learned is not to ask for stories on such common events, if you plan on using them as a "what exactly to expect" guide.  everyone goes through their own thing and there's not really any room for judgement.  just another life lesson hidden into one big event.

i had a fair share of people tell me, "oh man, i couldn't talk or eat solid foods for 2 weeks after that!" and a pretty equal amount tell me, "pssht, i was back running the world after the 3rd day."  it's funny; people who said the first tend to be much more open-minded to the different possible outcomes.  people who voiced the latter were more prone to thinking that those in the first group are just a bunch of whimps for taking longer to heal.  thus is the world we live in.

one woman at work fought me to the death, saying that taking a week off from work was absolutely ridiculous because a friend of hers went back to work after just a few days.  despite me telling her, much more kindly than i wanted to, that i appreciated her opinion but i've heard a lot of people have many different experiences with their recovery, she still seemed completely adamant that because her friend was up and running, the whole world should be.  (i have a prize for anyone that can tell me how that run-on could have been prevented.)

these are the kind of people i have learned are so not worth my time and energy.  so, i said, "okay, great, thanks," and walked away to grab a soda.

anyways, it's now been almost 5 days since the extraction and i'm finally starting to feel a little normal.  it has been about 24 hours since my last percocet, and i'm hoping i'm officially done with them.  (you did great, guys, but your side affects really kind of blow.)  i've been moving around a lot today, doing a lot more for myself, and my appetite is finally really coming back (which, we all know is huge for me in more ways than it should be).  the first half of the day was really pretty rough, but it was expected, so i guess i have to roll with it.  hopefully, that part of my recovery is over with..

i believe i'm heading back to my apt sometime tomorrow, which is going to be weird.  i settle in really easily, not to mention, this is the longest i think i've spent at my parents' since i moved out.  it's the baby in me.  being taken care of for that long becomes comfortable.  i don't like that i do it, but i think all i can do at this point in my life is realize that i do it, and get out like i'm ripping off a band-aid.

i have got to admit, it feels pretty good to think about the gas i've saved not driving for 4 days..

is life ever not about changes?

i wish music wasn't such a huge anchor for me, sometimes. i listen to old songs, often ones that i've discovered in the winter (i.e. certain Used songs, certain Imogen Heap songs, etc.) are the ones that really hit me hard. they're not always bad feelings, but i still don't know how to deal with them, i guess.

for example, last night, i couldn't handle "just for now". i don't know what it is. i feel exactly like i did when i was introduced to it, which was amazing. it was kind of like.. a rebirthing song and i still love it. but it was hard to feel that for some reason. maybe it's just too intense for how i was actually feeling last night.
i wish i could erase the feelings that some songs are really anchored to so i could just listen to them like any other song again.

* * * * *

things are changing; some too slowly, some too quickly. the lack of balance is frustrating, but i would lying if i said it didn't keep things interesting.
for one, the moving situation, while still unresolved, has a plan. i did find an amazing place, but i lost it. gotta be quicker. i was upset, but it raised the awareness of my rooming situation which can now be worked on. i have a roommate for august and that's currently my only guarentee. i'm actually ok with that, too. i'll find a place. yanno, even if tomorrow is the last day of june and i would like to move on august 1.. but that's ok.. checking out the 1 millionth apt tonight. keep your fingers crossed, if you believe in that sort of thing.
i've received a surprising number of responses to my status change on facebook. people apparently thought that because i went from no status to "single", i had been committed to someone. nope. was not. and i don't have patience for games, nor am i the kind of girl to sit and wait.
on the same note, i will and have been straight up and honest. i don't understand why things aren't sinking in on either side. i could not be more straightforward about the things i've said, and yet there still appears to be some strong misunderstandings with multiple people. is there a language barrier i'm missing?

* * * * *

i've been writing for about 5 hours, now. i should probably take a break.
but, ew, this blog definitely needs a makeover when i come back.

p.s. i promised wedding pictures. here are my shots from the haddad wedding.

wedding recovery.

this past weekend was absolutely unbelievable.  two very dear friends of mine got married and it was, by far, the best wedding i had ever been to.  the photos are posting as we speak; i will update this entry with the link as soon as they're done uploading.  it'll take about another hour.  i should really learn how to prep for web..

in other news, here are some quick, i'm-getting-a-migraine-and-can't-stare-at-the-screen-much-longer updates..

• wisdom teeth surgery is set for july 3 (next thurs).  yes, i "lucked out" getting an appt so soon, but the pain is becoming unbearable.  my food choice is getting softer ever day.

• i have given out my business card.  that's cool :)  website is still not live.. should be up by the end of tonight.  tomorrow night, latest.

• for those who don't know, i now work @ margarita's.  no, you can't visit me until i'm done training.  so, when i'm back to work after my surgery, you're allowed to come in :)  no, no one's getting anything free.  let me establish myself there, first :P

• i might be changing my mind about wedding photography.  yes, i currently really suck at it (mostly lighting-wise).. but, i think with some practice, i could really enjoy it.  maybe i'll pick up a few assisting gigs for the summer.  shooting, only, of course.

• things are still up in the air with HStock.. haven't heard from them.  expecting a check.. i'm going to shoot them an e-mail before i pass out tonight.

just one little angry update:

• i really don't like you.  i wouldn't care except that you're making a very important decision for me extremely difficult and it shouldn't even have anything to do with you.  that makes me dislike you even more.

(for the record, i can 120% guarantee this person does not read my blog.  so no, it's not you, innocent reader.)

that's all.  back soon with the links.

holy crap, i'm tired.

for the pure sake of amusement..

i usually save all that survey crap for myspace because, let's be honest, no one reads that bulletin shit, anyways.  i'd rather not trash my blog with stuff like that, but this seemed amusing and i need something a little light-hearted and pointless to life at the moment.  you'll get over it.  feel free to do it yourself.

The Google.

1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
emily needs almost 24-hour care.

haa.....:(

2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
emily looks like a very charming woman, with a natural beauty and a sparkling, unconstrained expression in her face.

hey, i'll take that :)


3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
emily does her best.

well, it's about time someone noticed.

4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
emily hates you.

aww.. that might be true.  ;)


5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:
emily goes to berkley.

no, she doesn't.  she should've looked into it, though.


6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
emily loves to bounce.

...*dying laughing*  (it's funny cuz it's truuuue... it sometimes replaces wiggling.)

7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
emily eats some corn pops on the way to the party.

do i..  do i really..


8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
[when] emily has to shit..

it's a youtube video.  and no, it's not even a little amusing..

9: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:
[do you think] emily will be pregnant by casey?

no, i don't.


10:Type in "[your name] went" in Google search:
emily went and did it.

it's true.  i'm sorry.


11:Type in "[your name] was" in Google search:
emily was a well-behaved girl.

emily dickinson, apparently.  i guess i was, once upon a time, as well.

12:Type in "[your name] believes" in Google search:
emily believes she owes no one taxes.

so fuck off, massachusetts.

bands you should know.

djatmaterra.

sort of a guster/dispatch sound.

the lead is an old camp friend of jay's.

they used to jam together.. aww. ;)

lansdowne.

discovered them at the 5/31 show they did with djatmaterra.

griffon.

met these guys through kait.

the singer's teaching me guitar.

sometimes, they give me free wings and beer ;)

no casino.

also discovered at the middle east on 5/31.

big. f-ing fan.  i love a band that can really work a stage.

r.i.p colby hillier, 22, whs 'o4.

about a week ago, colby hillier's boyfriend crashed his car in douglas, with her in the car.

drugs and alcohol were involved.  "foul play" was suspected.

both were taken to the hospital; he was treated and released.

colby was unconscious.

her boyfriend was charged with drunken driving and surrendered to police custody.

colby passed away at umass memorial early this morning.

best wishes to the hillier/charland family.

no one should ever have to know what this feels like.

i'm going to single you out..

dear kelly (from iop),

if you still read this, get the hell in contact with me.

i miss you.

and i have no other way to contact you :(

love,

me.