reader poll.

* * * * *

new project.
e-mail me your definition of the word "crush" relating to
feelings towards another,
and your current age (range).

esrubenstein@gmail.com
subject line: crush.

a few sentences to a paragraph is fine.

* * * * *

reason #32847 jayme left reporting.

i'm disturbed. and trying not to think about the pain involved...

who's daughter am i??

my aunt ilene (dad's sister) vs me; both @ age 21.

we even have the same bags under our eyes...
but they didn't have photoshop in the 60's.


//edit//
wait!! it gets better!!


all thanks to the family genealogist (and photo banker) of the family,
my cousin, joyce.

dr. death for congress.

are we all aware that jack kevorkian is running for congress? alright, great. best of luck to you, sir.

f-u.

most of you have already seen this, but i still think it's funny so i'm posting it.

in miller lot @ bentley college.

spring cleaning.

i'm gonna start posting more pictures on here, fo' sho'. here are some from jayme and i cleaning out my car earlier today. prepare to be disturbed...

jayme preps for the worst...
(a shovel??)


note: this is after we started cleaning...


mom found this on my backseat...
it's so not mine.


does this make my butt look overly-clothed?


jayme busts me rockin' out to "billie jean".
check out those moves.

truffle shuffle.

my mom bought me a chocolate truffle at roche bros. last night. i couldn't resist; it looked far too amazing. of course, i didn't think to shoot it until after i was half way through, but i'm sure you won't judge me. oh man, you have to try one of these.

i'm so f-ing tired. gahhd.

crush.

guys make me go retarded.


i feel like i'm in middle school again, but this time... i'm having fun with it.

*revelation*

she's me, when i was 17.
except that she's 21.




sorry, mom.

* * * * *

i keep having dreams that i'm in this really ridiculous gorgeous place with fountains and a beach and people walking around everywhere. i'm taking pictures of it all on my phone to send to you, as if you'll feel better by seeing this. i'm worried and i want answers. i want to know you're going to be ok.

xanga abstract.

i'm desperately trying to keep my head from exploding. i've worked very hard at keeping my anger under control, but the sound of a bad situation only continues to get worse and i'm coming close to losing it. the only solution to my problem includes spending a lot more money. i hate feeling trapped. i despise it.

i head back to school tomorrow. [bill, don't look...] i graduate in 62 days. [/bill] and where am i at career-wise? well, i'm jobless (note: i'm not complaining - i know i could up and get a job... just stating) and a little clueless as to where it is i'm headed.
after trying to suppress the need to have a script in my hand, that's proven impossible. and now i'm on this undeniable path to doing something with eating disorders and i can't figure out what that is. i keep thinking about M1 and M2 telling me they were both marketing majors. now one's a LICSW and the other is a psychologist. B was a real estate agent. he decided to go back to school for psych when he was 25ish, and even then had no idea he would end up in the ED field; that was probably furthest from his plans.
i'm 21. i feel like with the skills i have at this very moment, i could be making an absurd amount of money. but where...how...and with which of my 3 loves (only 2 of which i would consider passions and it's the 2 i haven't been working on my cert. for since last june...). i'm confused and i'm stuck.

i'm not so worried about finding my path as i am making money to support myself until find it. i constantly freak out about my serious financial issues, and yet have far too much pride to grab a job in retail. $7.5o/hr is more than i make sitting here worrying about money, but i'm so much better than that. i'm far beyond jobs that high school sophomores go out for. that is so 6 yrs ago. i would be open to serving again. i've started looking into that. but even so, i could be making money in retouching and i feel like i'm missing a connection...

you'll be redirected shortly...j/k.

if you only read my personal blog, change it up and read my...not-so-personal blog tonight.
www.frozenoranges.com

as for the personal stuff, i was going to post about my week, but i'm over it all and would rather just drop it. that's to those who had to listen to me bitch and moan about it the past couple days. now, it's officially kicked me in the face and i'm flat out drained to all hell. ...and i need an aleve. and food. go read my other blog.

shorty did that pop-and-lock.

this guy. is. insane.

colon closed-parenthesis.

things that made my day:

1. ian: (side note: the [business] cards you designed for me are still getting lots of compliments)
   
   
2. i always feel pretty good when someone tells me that they find my blog very inspirational, but there's something a little more exciting about being complimented on my recovery writings by the executive director of meda.
   
   
3. i bought www.frozenoranges.com. it's a simple thing, but i'm excited about it :)
   3a. go there to see that the mental health parity was passed and how amazing that is and why :D
   
   
4. it was so nice out today and it's supposed to be 50º again on saturday, too.
   

53º as of march 5.

it's one of those days where it's really overcast and the sky is grayed out, but it's still bright enough to cast some harder shadows on the sidewalks. it's like we're closed into our own little softbox dome (excuse the photographic nerdiness). it's really beautiful, actually. i always love when it looks light as day, despite the ceiling of clouds. it's gorgeous lighting and, consequently, great for shooting.

it's also currently 47º, slowly rising to 53º. today's the first day since november that i haven't worn my knit slip-ons. i'm wearing summer shoes. i missed them. they don't totally fit, but i'll get over it. they were too big when i bought them; i'll just rip the padding out.

that's really all i wanted to share. i was excited about the weather :)
back to class... we're looking at really shitty websites as a "what not to do when building your site." some photogs are seriously web design-retarded. i'm talking really horrifying "design" work. i use the word "design" so loosely, it's falling out of that sentence.

//edit//

i think this one is my favorite: http://jasonfulford.com/
i don't think i have ever laughed so hard at a website in my life. i'm like...seriously dying right now. this is some guy's photography & animation portfolio.

here's one of my favorites from his collage collection:

click on that to see more of his mind-blowing collage and composition work.

the run-down.

i've had these racing thoughts going through my head for what feels like a week now, but i'm not sure it's been that long. the good news is, none of the thoughts are bad, but it's making sleeping difficult. there's just a lot going on right now, so that's probably it. getting back into life will cause that, i'm sure.

let's see...things that have been going on...

1. school's pretty good. it feels good to be back. there's a smell in that building that's good to smell again. it's like... fresh digital equipment and brand new computers. it's a good smell :) this week is marketing and we have brian, who i didn't think i'd have again. he's pretty kick ass. next week is spring break, because i'm awesome like that. then it's 3 more classes, a 4 week internship, and i graduate on may 17th (my parent's anniversary).
   
   
2. this doesn't have to do with me but... my mom is using her birthday to start a 5 week training course in volunteering for hospice. i just wanted to mention it because i'm really happy for her. she's excited and she would be perfect for it. she's great at talking people through hard times and she certainly knows what it's like to be in a situation involving terminal illness. i'm just proud of her so i thought i'd plop it into my update.
   
   
3. i'm in a show, yo! someone dropped their part in bentley's production of "fools" by neil simon and they needed someone to fill it. do you realize how long it's been since i've been on stage?? i'm so freakin' excited. i went to rehearsal tonight; it's gonna be a good time. and the director seems wicked chill.
   
   
4. i'm loving having the keyboard. i've never been this motivated to learn an instrument (besides guitar... but i can't play again until it's no longer considered masochism) and i've tried to learn a lot of instruments. i've been practicing every day. i kind of wish i had access to an actual piano, but you deal with what you got.
   
   
5. i found out the first event i'm going to be shooting is the jay-z/mary j. blige after party. the concert's early april. i'm not sure what club it's at yet. considering the circumstances, i'm kind of wondering if this is going to pull through for me... but for now, i have it and i'm excited. i've also been talking to a girl at school who does a lot of shooting at the paladium and said i'm welcome to come anytime. i've always wanted to do some band photography, just for fun.
   
   
6. why is it impossible to find a good john krasinski poster? is that so much to ask for?
   
   
7. at long last, frozen.oranges has been updated again, and with a very important post. please please please read and follow the instructions. it's just a quick e-mail that could quite possibly save lives. and i'm not talking lives of starving children you'll never meet in third world countries. i'm talking lives of your best friends... your family members... your significant others who might have an eating disorder and who might not get the help they need because insurance might not cover their care no matter how desperate their situation. think about it.

that's it for tonight.
time to crash.

hate is a strong word.

and it is far too weak of a word to describe the way i feel about you.
there are no words to describe how passionately i despise you
and everyone like you.

you're sick.

and i'm sure, at this moment, you're sound asleep wherever you are
and perfectly happy with whatever you're doing with your life
while she's permanently damaged from what you put her through.

and she's time zone away from me
and all i can do is be here to listen to her cry on the phone
while she's having these disturbing flashbacks.


you better hope to god you never cross my path, again.
i would more than gladly take an arrest
than let you walk off with your fucking limbs intact.

brain function: check!

it was fabulous being back in school, thanks to those who asked :) i had this weird feeling while i was sitting in the classroom that just... felt good. it felt like life; it felt like being back in it. and believe me, there are no words to describe that feeling. just like that, the anger i had yesterday about my "wasted" month is gone. none of it matters, now.
i had to leave early (i know - first day back) which was great because this class is boring me to shit already. it has *no* connection to my career goals whatsoever. i'm glad it's my first class back so i can just get through it. next week is marketing, which i'm wicked excited about. that'll apply to all of us. way off topic... i left early to get a drug test for work, so now i can officially start @ PS until a better opportunity comes along. and, while this job doing promo work is awesome, the pay is... basically nothing. but that's how club & band shooting works, and that's why not many people do it.
i also have an appt w/ my career counselor on thurs so i can find out what the hell i'm supposed to do to get into retouching and, even more so, the aspect i want to be involved in.

i talked to c today (miss youuu) and was telling her all about my first day back when she told me, "you sound so much happier now that you're back in school." i so am. i was really starting to lose my mind and was getting a little depressed over the past couple days. i knew i was excited to get back, but i didn't realize it was going to feel this good.

i tuned my guitar last night, believe it or not. i thought i could suck up the pain, but she really needs some work done. i want to playyy. i also taught myself a song on piano the other night. seriously. well, ok, keyboard. but, for those who don't know, i don't play piano. always wanted to, but never had the time or money to stick with my teacher for long. but for some reason, i've had this surge of motivation to really work on it. i've decided to stop wishing i could do things and start doing them.
so, i've been given permission to take the keyboard for "as long as i want". (the little sister in me wants to do the whole, "it's technically mine, anyways" thing... but then i remember that jayme uses it more in a week than i have in 21 years...oh, and i'm 21 :P) i'd really like to work on getting this song i learned down (i'm kind of obsessed with it) and work on my coordination.

oh, and to top off my day, i finally talked to steph for the first time since she left for fl. i'm so happy for her. she's finally found herself :) i miss her, but it's not the crazy kind of missing where i can't wait for her to come back. yes, i can't wait to see her again, but i've never heard her this happy before. she's where she belongs.

the only thing that could make me happier right now would be to perform somewhere... i would kill to be on stage. like...seriously. i searched through auditions in the area for a while today. i found nothing. i'll keep looking...

(too many "..."'s in this entry...)

put me in, coach.

i'm not going to sit here and defend myself to people who aren't in my exact same position. i know what you think it looks like because i've been told. i'm tired of being told how lazy it looks like i've been.
i'm not going to play the victim. i have nothing to regret. i gave myself time to do what i needed to do whether you agree with that or not. this one month isn't going to matter for shit soon, anyways. tomorrow, i take a nose-dive back into the life that i gave up exactly 4 months ago today. so we can dwell on what you think i should or shouldn't have done in the past month, or we can get over it and let me move on and kick ass from here on out.

things i have to look forward to:

• heading back to CDIA
• getting back on track with my certificate
• preparing for my next step in edu
• meeting a whole new class of people (hopefully in my age group...)
• making money
• i have my d/t for petsmart tomorrow, so i'll start there soon
  (i already explained in the interview that this is a temporary placement...)
  
• i was offered a kick ass opportunity doing promo photog work for boston clubs
• i'm going to meet with my career adviser this week and get my name out there for retouching
• and 2 other things; one's in the works and one...is on the DL is isn't all that reliable
• h-e-a-l-t-h
• i've been loyal to my stretching routine (yes...it's possible...now)
• school = consistent structure = better sleeping habits = better eating habits
• better eating habits = weight restoration
• march
• more specifically... march 21 (spring) :D
• warmth isn't far away (in fact...we had some about a week ago, already)
• i've got new blades, yo

and the #1 thing i'm looking forward to...

• leaving it all behind.
• feb '06
  
• sept - nov '06
• jan '07
• oct '07 - feb '08

i'm starting over... and i take it as a good sign that i start over the week of nedaw 2008, the beginning of a new month, and exactly 4 months after i hit rock bottom. and, god, i did this all during the winter. i did the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life during the hardest 4 months of the year. if i could do it then... imagine how amazing the rest of the year (and all upcoming winters) will be.

now, i'm gonna go finish immaculating my room. can't start new in a mess. (well, you can... but why would you want to?)

masshealth: best if used by 010208.

monday night, i go to pick up my bc pills from cvs (bk pills, depending on how sick in the head you may be). i'm told that i only have one refill left. of all things they could have told me, that was apparently the most important. i pulled off to the side and drove back up to the window about 10 minutes later. the pharmacist informs me that my pills are not covered by insurance and the total comes to $63.50, which is $63.50 more than my insurance co-pay.

"um...yes...it is," i tell him, already slightly more than aggravated.
"hold on." he disappears to a computer on the other side of the pharmacy and returns to explain that masshealth and cvs are no longer contracting with each other. i will have to call my insurance in the morning and find out where i can bring my prescriptions to because, apparently, the number 1 "neighborhood drugstore" doesn't work with every insurance company. i guess i never thought about it.

the part that really pisses me off is that all i needed was birth control. but what if someone needed antibiotics for some crazy infection? that can cost hundreds. or insulin...heart meds...cytoxin... that's slightly dangerous, don't you think?

it's now friday - the first day i've been able to get in touch with my insurance who told me that it expired on 2/1/08. wow... good thing i was done at walden in january because i had no idea it even had an expiration date. of course, now i'm confused about what i was told at cvs about the contract. these are two separate issues...
so, i have 2 prescriptions to fill, i haven't had health insurance for 22 days, and the co. closed early due to the storm. i also no longer have a pcp and this all needs to be handled by 3/1. oy. i heart insurance.

should-ing all over myself.

i should have gotten a job over a month ago.
i should have done volunteer work.
i should have done more shooting.
i should be at maintenance by now.
i should have taken more responsibility.
i should be able to get up off my ass and make something of myself.
i should have a job that's related to my career choice.
should, should, should, should, should.
i just heard a bell ring 6 times in the back of my head. that damn bell. i have been really good at not judging myself and not being so hard on myself. i feel like i've been going by what i assume everyone else is thinking about me. (mind-reading; i hear you, betty.) i feel like everyone's judging me and i would be, too. i hate lazy people who can't get off their ass and do something. and i am judging me, most likely more than anyone else is.
however, i also know i need to stop being so hard on myself. no, there is no excuse for me not having a job right now, and i am reminded of this daily via my financial obligations... and verbally via my mother. i'm scared, for some reason. i'm scared to have responsibilities again. maybe because i feel like i let so many people down, before... not that avoiding helping my family hold up the roof isn't letting anyone down - myself, at least.

this entry wasn't meant to be a pity party. i've been through a lot and i'm finding it difficult to get back on my feet. i feel useless to society and unbearably irresponsible right now and, obviously, i have no one to blame for that but myself.
so, i can mope around thinking about all the things i should have done and all the money i should have made and all the weight i should have put on... or OR... i can get off my fucking ass and make some more changes in my life. what's my favorite dbt term, kids? ..... if you said, "opposite action," you're totally right.

so, tomorrow, the following things will need to happen:

• i will get out of bed at a normal breakfast-consuming time.
• i will do some shooting, including my banner for frozen.oranges (which i finally bought my props for).
• i will turn in the shots i owe to complete my 2 IP modules.
• i will find my bedroom floor and reorganize my nightstand so shit stops collecting on and around my bed.
• i will do some job searching for something a little more... appropriate, considering my skills & focus.
• and, of course, i will continue working on my awareness mission for NEDAW... but that's the one thing i've had no trouble motivating myself to do, lately. i can't believe the passion i have for it, actually.

i grew up with the family motto, if you don't like what you see...change it. i know better. so, i'm changing it. i've always deserved so much better than what i give myself. it is far past the time i should have started doing what i need to do for me. ...there i go, again, with the shoulds. i suppose now is the time i was supposed to become aware.