spring cleaning.

i'm gonna start posting more pictures on here, fo' sho'. here are some from jayme and i cleaning out my car earlier today. prepare to be disturbed...

jayme preps for the worst...
(a shovel??)


note: this is after we started cleaning...


mom found this on my backseat...
it's so not mine.


does this make my butt look overly-clothed?


jayme busts me rockin' out to "billie jean".
check out those moves.

truffle shuffle.

my mom bought me a chocolate truffle at roche bros. last night. i couldn't resist; it looked far too amazing. of course, i didn't think to shoot it until after i was half way through, but i'm sure you won't judge me. oh man, you have to try one of these.

i'm so f-ing tired. gahhd.

crush.

guys make me go retarded.


i feel like i'm in middle school again, but this time... i'm having fun with it.

*revelation*

she's me, when i was 17.
except that she's 21.




sorry, mom.

* * * * *

i keep having dreams that i'm in this really ridiculous gorgeous place with fountains and a beach and people walking around everywhere. i'm taking pictures of it all on my phone to send to you, as if you'll feel better by seeing this. i'm worried and i want answers. i want to know you're going to be ok.

xanga abstract.

i'm desperately trying to keep my head from exploding. i've worked very hard at keeping my anger under control, but the sound of a bad situation only continues to get worse and i'm coming close to losing it. the only solution to my problem includes spending a lot more money. i hate feeling trapped. i despise it.

i head back to school tomorrow. [bill, don't look...] i graduate in 62 days. [/bill] and where am i at career-wise? well, i'm jobless (note: i'm not complaining - i know i could up and get a job... just stating) and a little clueless as to where it is i'm headed.
after trying to suppress the need to have a script in my hand, that's proven impossible. and now i'm on this undeniable path to doing something with eating disorders and i can't figure out what that is. i keep thinking about M1 and M2 telling me they were both marketing majors. now one's a LICSW and the other is a psychologist. B was a real estate agent. he decided to go back to school for psych when he was 25ish, and even then had no idea he would end up in the ED field; that was probably furthest from his plans.
i'm 21. i feel like with the skills i have at this very moment, i could be making an absurd amount of money. but where...how...and with which of my 3 loves (only 2 of which i would consider passions and it's the 2 i haven't been working on my cert. for since last june...). i'm confused and i'm stuck.

i'm not so worried about finding my path as i am making money to support myself until find it. i constantly freak out about my serious financial issues, and yet have far too much pride to grab a job in retail. $7.5o/hr is more than i make sitting here worrying about money, but i'm so much better than that. i'm far beyond jobs that high school sophomores go out for. that is so 6 yrs ago. i would be open to serving again. i've started looking into that. but even so, i could be making money in retouching and i feel like i'm missing a connection...

you'll be redirected shortly...j/k.

if you only read my personal blog, change it up and read my...not-so-personal blog tonight.
www.frozenoranges.com

as for the personal stuff, i was going to post about my week, but i'm over it all and would rather just drop it. that's to those who had to listen to me bitch and moan about it the past couple days. now, it's officially kicked me in the face and i'm flat out drained to all hell. ...and i need an aleve. and food. go read my other blog.

shorty did that pop-and-lock.

this guy. is. insane.

colon closed-parenthesis.

things that made my day:

1. ian: (side note: the [business] cards you designed for me are still getting lots of compliments)
   
   
2. i always feel pretty good when someone tells me that they find my blog very inspirational, but there's something a little more exciting about being complimented on my recovery writings by the executive director of meda.
   
   
3. i bought www.frozenoranges.com. it's a simple thing, but i'm excited about it :)
   3a. go there to see that the mental health parity was passed and how amazing that is and why :D
   
   
4. it was so nice out today and it's supposed to be 50º again on saturday, too.
   

53º as of march 5.

it's one of those days where it's really overcast and the sky is grayed out, but it's still bright enough to cast some harder shadows on the sidewalks. it's like we're closed into our own little softbox dome (excuse the photographic nerdiness). it's really beautiful, actually. i always love when it looks light as day, despite the ceiling of clouds. it's gorgeous lighting and, consequently, great for shooting.

it's also currently 47º, slowly rising to 53º. today's the first day since november that i haven't worn my knit slip-ons. i'm wearing summer shoes. i missed them. they don't totally fit, but i'll get over it. they were too big when i bought them; i'll just rip the padding out.

that's really all i wanted to share. i was excited about the weather :)
back to class... we're looking at really shitty websites as a "what not to do when building your site." some photogs are seriously web design-retarded. i'm talking really horrifying "design" work. i use the word "design" so loosely, it's falling out of that sentence.

//edit//

i think this one is my favorite: http://jasonfulford.com/
i don't think i have ever laughed so hard at a website in my life. i'm like...seriously dying right now. this is some guy's photography & animation portfolio.

here's one of my favorites from his collage collection:

click on that to see more of his mind-blowing collage and composition work.

the run-down.

i've had these racing thoughts going through my head for what feels like a week now, but i'm not sure it's been that long. the good news is, none of the thoughts are bad, but it's making sleeping difficult. there's just a lot going on right now, so that's probably it. getting back into life will cause that, i'm sure.

let's see...things that have been going on...

1. school's pretty good. it feels good to be back. there's a smell in that building that's good to smell again. it's like... fresh digital equipment and brand new computers. it's a good smell :) this week is marketing and we have brian, who i didn't think i'd have again. he's pretty kick ass. next week is spring break, because i'm awesome like that. then it's 3 more classes, a 4 week internship, and i graduate on may 17th (my parent's anniversary).
   
   
2. this doesn't have to do with me but... my mom is using her birthday to start a 5 week training course in volunteering for hospice. i just wanted to mention it because i'm really happy for her. she's excited and she would be perfect for it. she's great at talking people through hard times and she certainly knows what it's like to be in a situation involving terminal illness. i'm just proud of her so i thought i'd plop it into my update.
   
   
3. i'm in a show, yo! someone dropped their part in bentley's production of "fools" by neil simon and they needed someone to fill it. do you realize how long it's been since i've been on stage?? i'm so freakin' excited. i went to rehearsal tonight; it's gonna be a good time. and the director seems wicked chill.
   
   
4. i'm loving having the keyboard. i've never been this motivated to learn an instrument (besides guitar... but i can't play again until it's no longer considered masochism) and i've tried to learn a lot of instruments. i've been practicing every day. i kind of wish i had access to an actual piano, but you deal with what you got.
   
   
5. i found out the first event i'm going to be shooting is the jay-z/mary j. blige after party. the concert's early april. i'm not sure what club it's at yet. considering the circumstances, i'm kind of wondering if this is going to pull through for me... but for now, i have it and i'm excited. i've also been talking to a girl at school who does a lot of shooting at the paladium and said i'm welcome to come anytime. i've always wanted to do some band photography, just for fun.
   
   
6. why is it impossible to find a good john krasinski poster? is that so much to ask for?
   
   
7. at long last, frozen.oranges has been updated again, and with a very important post. please please please read and follow the instructions. it's just a quick e-mail that could quite possibly save lives. and i'm not talking lives of starving children you'll never meet in third world countries. i'm talking lives of your best friends... your family members... your significant others who might have an eating disorder and who might not get the help they need because insurance might not cover their care no matter how desperate their situation. think about it.

that's it for tonight.
time to crash.

hate is a strong word.

and it is far too weak of a word to describe the way i feel about you.
there are no words to describe how passionately i despise you
and everyone like you.

you're sick.

and i'm sure, at this moment, you're sound asleep wherever you are
and perfectly happy with whatever you're doing with your life
while she's permanently damaged from what you put her through.

and she's time zone away from me
and all i can do is be here to listen to her cry on the phone
while she's having these disturbing flashbacks.


you better hope to god you never cross my path, again.
i would more than gladly take an arrest
than let you walk off with your fucking limbs intact.

brain function: check!

it was fabulous being back in school, thanks to those who asked :) i had this weird feeling while i was sitting in the classroom that just... felt good. it felt like life; it felt like being back in it. and believe me, there are no words to describe that feeling. just like that, the anger i had yesterday about my "wasted" month is gone. none of it matters, now.
i had to leave early (i know - first day back) which was great because this class is boring me to shit already. it has *no* connection to my career goals whatsoever. i'm glad it's my first class back so i can just get through it. next week is marketing, which i'm wicked excited about. that'll apply to all of us. way off topic... i left early to get a drug test for work, so now i can officially start @ PS until a better opportunity comes along. and, while this job doing promo work is awesome, the pay is... basically nothing. but that's how club & band shooting works, and that's why not many people do it.
i also have an appt w/ my career counselor on thurs so i can find out what the hell i'm supposed to do to get into retouching and, even more so, the aspect i want to be involved in.

i talked to c today (miss youuu) and was telling her all about my first day back when she told me, "you sound so much happier now that you're back in school." i so am. i was really starting to lose my mind and was getting a little depressed over the past couple days. i knew i was excited to get back, but i didn't realize it was going to feel this good.

i tuned my guitar last night, believe it or not. i thought i could suck up the pain, but she really needs some work done. i want to playyy. i also taught myself a song on piano the other night. seriously. well, ok, keyboard. but, for those who don't know, i don't play piano. always wanted to, but never had the time or money to stick with my teacher for long. but for some reason, i've had this surge of motivation to really work on it. i've decided to stop wishing i could do things and start doing them.
so, i've been given permission to take the keyboard for "as long as i want". (the little sister in me wants to do the whole, "it's technically mine, anyways" thing... but then i remember that jayme uses it more in a week than i have in 21 years...oh, and i'm 21 :P) i'd really like to work on getting this song i learned down (i'm kind of obsessed with it) and work on my coordination.

oh, and to top off my day, i finally talked to steph for the first time since she left for fl. i'm so happy for her. she's finally found herself :) i miss her, but it's not the crazy kind of missing where i can't wait for her to come back. yes, i can't wait to see her again, but i've never heard her this happy before. she's where she belongs.

the only thing that could make me happier right now would be to perform somewhere... i would kill to be on stage. like...seriously. i searched through auditions in the area for a while today. i found nothing. i'll keep looking...

(too many "..."'s in this entry...)

put me in, coach.

i'm not going to sit here and defend myself to people who aren't in my exact same position. i know what you think it looks like because i've been told. i'm tired of being told how lazy it looks like i've been.
i'm not going to play the victim. i have nothing to regret. i gave myself time to do what i needed to do whether you agree with that or not. this one month isn't going to matter for shit soon, anyways. tomorrow, i take a nose-dive back into the life that i gave up exactly 4 months ago today. so we can dwell on what you think i should or shouldn't have done in the past month, or we can get over it and let me move on and kick ass from here on out.

things i have to look forward to:

• heading back to CDIA
• getting back on track with my certificate
• preparing for my next step in edu
• meeting a whole new class of people (hopefully in my age group...)
• making money
• i have my d/t for petsmart tomorrow, so i'll start there soon
  (i already explained in the interview that this is a temporary placement...)
  
• i was offered a kick ass opportunity doing promo photog work for boston clubs
• i'm going to meet with my career adviser this week and get my name out there for retouching
• and 2 other things; one's in the works and one...is on the DL is isn't all that reliable
• h-e-a-l-t-h
• i've been loyal to my stretching routine (yes...it's possible...now)
• school = consistent structure = better sleeping habits = better eating habits
• better eating habits = weight restoration
• march
• more specifically... march 21 (spring) :D
• warmth isn't far away (in fact...we had some about a week ago, already)
• i've got new blades, yo

and the #1 thing i'm looking forward to...

• leaving it all behind.
• feb '06
  
• sept - nov '06
• jan '07
• oct '07 - feb '08

i'm starting over... and i take it as a good sign that i start over the week of nedaw 2008, the beginning of a new month, and exactly 4 months after i hit rock bottom. and, god, i did this all during the winter. i did the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life during the hardest 4 months of the year. if i could do it then... imagine how amazing the rest of the year (and all upcoming winters) will be.

now, i'm gonna go finish immaculating my room. can't start new in a mess. (well, you can... but why would you want to?)

masshealth: best if used by 010208.

monday night, i go to pick up my bc pills from cvs (bk pills, depending on how sick in the head you may be). i'm told that i only have one refill left. of all things they could have told me, that was apparently the most important. i pulled off to the side and drove back up to the window about 10 minutes later. the pharmacist informs me that my pills are not covered by insurance and the total comes to $63.50, which is $63.50 more than my insurance co-pay.

"um...yes...it is," i tell him, already slightly more than aggravated.
"hold on." he disappears to a computer on the other side of the pharmacy and returns to explain that masshealth and cvs are no longer contracting with each other. i will have to call my insurance in the morning and find out where i can bring my prescriptions to because, apparently, the number 1 "neighborhood drugstore" doesn't work with every insurance company. i guess i never thought about it.

the part that really pisses me off is that all i needed was birth control. but what if someone needed antibiotics for some crazy infection? that can cost hundreds. or insulin...heart meds...cytoxin... that's slightly dangerous, don't you think?

it's now friday - the first day i've been able to get in touch with my insurance who told me that it expired on 2/1/08. wow... good thing i was done at walden in january because i had no idea it even had an expiration date. of course, now i'm confused about what i was told at cvs about the contract. these are two separate issues...
so, i have 2 prescriptions to fill, i haven't had health insurance for 22 days, and the co. closed early due to the storm. i also no longer have a pcp and this all needs to be handled by 3/1. oy. i heart insurance.

should-ing all over myself.

i should have gotten a job over a month ago.
i should have done volunteer work.
i should have done more shooting.
i should be at maintenance by now.
i should have taken more responsibility.
i should be able to get up off my ass and make something of myself.
i should have a job that's related to my career choice.
should, should, should, should, should.
i just heard a bell ring 6 times in the back of my head. that damn bell. i have been really good at not judging myself and not being so hard on myself. i feel like i've been going by what i assume everyone else is thinking about me. (mind-reading; i hear you, betty.) i feel like everyone's judging me and i would be, too. i hate lazy people who can't get off their ass and do something. and i am judging me, most likely more than anyone else is.
however, i also know i need to stop being so hard on myself. no, there is no excuse for me not having a job right now, and i am reminded of this daily via my financial obligations... and verbally via my mother. i'm scared, for some reason. i'm scared to have responsibilities again. maybe because i feel like i let so many people down, before... not that avoiding helping my family hold up the roof isn't letting anyone down - myself, at least.

this entry wasn't meant to be a pity party. i've been through a lot and i'm finding it difficult to get back on my feet. i feel useless to society and unbearably irresponsible right now and, obviously, i have no one to blame for that but myself.
so, i can mope around thinking about all the things i should have done and all the money i should have made and all the weight i should have put on... or OR... i can get off my fucking ass and make some more changes in my life. what's my favorite dbt term, kids? ..... if you said, "opposite action," you're totally right.

so, tomorrow, the following things will need to happen:

• i will get out of bed at a normal breakfast-consuming time.
• i will do some shooting, including my banner for frozen.oranges (which i finally bought my props for).
• i will turn in the shots i owe to complete my 2 IP modules.
• i will find my bedroom floor and reorganize my nightstand so shit stops collecting on and around my bed.
• i will do some job searching for something a little more... appropriate, considering my skills & focus.
• and, of course, i will continue working on my awareness mission for NEDAW... but that's the one thing i've had no trouble motivating myself to do, lately. i can't believe the passion i have for it, actually.

i grew up with the family motto, if you don't like what you see...change it. i know better. so, i'm changing it. i've always deserved so much better than what i give myself. it is far past the time i should have started doing what i need to do for me. ...there i go, again, with the shoulds. i suppose now is the time i was supposed to become aware.

haa...

so, i tried something new. and it was weird... and i was slightly embarrassed by it, i'll admit. and now i realize that, like everything else in this world, it's just not for everybody. but hey, never any harm in trying, but i can tell you i'm done with that. it's just not my style. (i promise...this isn't as dirty as it sounds. it's actually quite boring.) oh, and thanks to timmy & mo for their emotional support ;)
school starts back up (for me) a week from today. i'll be meeting a whole new group of classmates, which i can't even describe to you how excited that makes me. and, for some reason, i have a feeling i'll have an easier time connecting with this class than i did with the one i started with. hopefully, they're more in my age group. i guess we'll see.

just a reminder: national eating disorder awareness week is coming up next week. i really want to encourage everyone who has any connection to eating disorders (patients, former patients, friends, family, etc.) to please get involved. even if it's just making a small donation to NEDA or MEDA. and spread the word :)

catsup.

it's been a rough couple of days and for good reason, but it doesn't make it suck any less. everything's really pissin' me off and i felt sick as hell the other night. the weird thing is, when i'm like this, it's women i can't be around. i can not only be around guys, i'd prefer it. i think i'm the *only* chick that feels like that.

other than that, not much has been going on. i was recently hired at PetSmart to work in their pet hotel. i'm just looking to get money in my wallet any way i can and i have connections there. plus, they're willing to keep me for weekends when i go back to school. if they can't give me enough hours, i might go back to waitressing...but i like hourly, better, and they pay pretty well.

i start back at school in about a week and i cannot wait. i think it'll help my weight-restoration a lot to have so much structure in my day, as well. i only have 6 modules left, and then my 4 week internship until i graduate.

my plan for post-CDIA looks like...going back to CDIA. i think i'm going to do their GD program, but only part-time. hopefully, i can get retouching work in the meantime, despite not having much of a background in GD yet. i'll have to set up a meeting with my career counsiler when i get back in a few weeks. i've got plenty of time to plan for may, though.

and now, for something completely different: i went to monster jam last night. for those who have never been, it's a show where monster trucks drive over scrap cars. they run races and do freestyle at the end, which means they run over more scrap cars and do donuts. once in a while, if you're really lucky, they'll flip over. the dcu is apparently too small of a stadium for much more excitement than that.

i had fun with the people i went with, but it was probably a one time deal. the fuel made for unbearable eye stinging and i probably lost 10% of my hearing. keep in mind, i'm the kind of person that hears motorcycle engines like people hear nails on a chalkboard. revved up monster trucks aren't exactly a beautiful sound to me. however, the motocross freestyle was pretty kickass. i have to wonder how many mothers actually support their child's choice to do that with their life, though...

the two weirdest parts of the night, for me, were having flashbacks of waiting in line for the nfg/good charlotte concert and being informed that the worcester outlets were taken down years ago... who knew?

afterwards, we went out for drinks, which was the best part of the night. it was great to catch up, even if a huge part of our conversation might have been about throw up... it'd be nice to see them more often.

splitting up.

i've decided (well...someone helped me decide) to separate my personal blog from my recovery blog which has been increasingly been growing to be...not so personal. so, if you're interested in continuing to follow my recovery, you can bookmark the following address. i'd appreciate it :)

also, if you have an ed blog yourself and you have linked to mine, please replace that link with the following.

http://frozen-oranges.blogspot.com

[part 2 of my most recent post is also up on that site.]



thanks, readers :)

through the looking glass, part 1.

i stood, looking myself up and down in the full-length dorm mirror. while analyzing my frame, i held a spoon of fat-infested peanut butter in my right hand and slowly licked it. every taste brought a feeling of relief and pure hatred towards myself. go ahead, em. finish the whole jar, you fat fuck. you've already failed yourself so you might as well finish it off right. i wanted to cry, but i couldn't. i just sat there, eating spoonful after spoonful of oil and fat and glaring at my mocking reflection. i must be the fattest ninety-eight pound girl, ever.

i lifted my spaghetti-strap dance tank to reveal a stomach that could pass for my second trimester. my fingers played over my ribs like piano keys. i clasped my hand around the opposite wrist, wrapped both hands around my thighs, pinched at the grotesque skin around my hips and stomach. the urge to crawl out of my body was unbearable. it was awkward, paunchy, and overall intolerable to be in my skin. it tingled and itched, as if it wasn't a huge fan of being in contact with the rest of my body, either.
i turned and walked back to my desk, put up some emo lyrics for an away message, and sat down to review everything i had contaminated my body with for the day. after about four items (three bowls of cereal, eleven cookies, endless handfuls of crackers), i good as lost control over my hand and scrawled the words "FAT WHORE" across the page. failure, i scold myself. you disgusting, worthless piece of shit. i wrote everything i could think of to show myself what an awful, disgraceful thing it was that i had done. these were the beginnings of the most abusive relationship i would ever be in.

* * * * *

i spoke with a friend the other day that had moved across the country last year and is rather behind on what's been going on in my life. we found ourselves on the topic of thought distortion, one of the hardest concepts for those without eating disorders to understand. how can a person so fragile-looking honestly declare "i'm fat!"? it's just a plea for attention, right? we're just looking for validation; for someone to yell, "no you're not, you're beautiful! i wish i was that skinny," right?

it's nearly impossible to describe how these disappearing men and women do not see what we do. when they look at their reflection, they see obesity. they see a person who is unhealthily overweight, and they believe it with everything they've got. the thought distortion worsens with deprivation of nourishment, meaning there is no such thing as thin enough. and the more one can convince their mind that they are, in fact, "fat", the more the mind will believe it. it only knows what we tell it, and the disease takes it from there.
one of the hardest parts of recovery is being told that the reflection staring back from the mirror isn't real. how do you convince someone that what they're seeing isn't what is actually there? well, you feed them and counsel them until their brain is nourished and informed enough to see themselves for what they really are. they just have to be ready to see it on their own.

her definition's have been wrong.

i went back to my allpoetry.com account that i haven't contributed to since i was 18.  i came across a poem that i wrote 5 years ago and - like most all of my work on that site - was never shared with anyone who didn't have that username.  i found it interesting that it was originally written about my experiences with self-injury (a behavior extremely common to go hand-in-hand with eating disorders), but reeks to hell of a recipe for anorexia.  how i never saw the symptoms sooner blows my mind.

now, let's just remember i was 16 when i wrote this - it's not about the lack of writing ability.  we don't judge here :P

Beauty's On the Inside

Beauty's on the inside

She's eating me alive

I've heard once that beauty brings pain

From what has this derived?

Beauty's on the inside

She's playing with my soul

Pulling, pushing, clawing hard

Begging for control

Beauty's on the inside

Her definitions have been wrong

She's a tortured personality

Failing to be strong

Beauty's on the inside

Tearing at my mind

She's pulling me down with her

Pain and pleasure half combined

Beauty's on the inside

But I want to bring her out

Find out what all the pain looks like

Perhaps remove some doubt

Beauty's on the outside

A blissful cerise shade

Beading at an open wound

I'd opened unafraid

© eliptical*****18 2003

3 months, 1 week.

on october 19, 2007, my mom picked me up from work not even half an hour after i arrived to take me to the ER (thanks to bri).  i had a severe panic attack that began the night before when i realized that what i was doing could kill me and i didn't know how to stop.

later that day, at newton-wellesley, my EKG, blood work and vitals all came back fine.  obviously, i was relieved, as was my mother, who i'm sure must have still been a little shaken up from her daughter's frantic phone call to drive her to the hospital.  but now, i would have to tell bob, who already knew i was struggling to keep my head above water.  he had already been discussing the possibility of a higher level of care and i knew i was on the line of losing my right to handle my own life.

at my appointment the following monday, he told me exactly what i didn't want to hear.  "fine," i said, evasively, "i'll do IOP."  i was holding 2 desperately needed jobs and was only 3 months away from graduating CDIA.  my health was certainly not my top priority.  (sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?)  i was sure that if i was in IOP, i was considered to be "in treatment" and could keep my head above water, at least until i graduated and my work was over and done with.  then my OPT could put me wherever the hell they want.  just 3 months of eating just enough to survive...

2 days later - wednesday, october 24 - i sat in craig's office, curled up in a chair with my knees hugged to my chest, puffing my inhaler.  he was on the phone trying to track down an emergency room with the shortest wait for a psych evaluation.  my mom was already on her way up to my apartment to start packing some things, just in case.  and just like that, in this demented and sick starvation for control, i was stripped of whatever control i might have (thought i) had.  now, i thought, i'll never be as skinny as i wanted to be.

that night by 8:30/9ish, i was admitted to the EDU at 92 lbs (78% of my ideal body weight) and my bags were searched for contraband.  i didn't feel much and i remember very little from that point on for the next couple days.  i do remember that in all my experiences in treatment, i had never felt as welcomed by other patients as i did that night.  there was no hesitation with introductions and i could tell that everyone knew just what it felt like to be up there for the first time.

the next 3 days were a blur.  i was petrified, i was angry, and i was utterly and chronically confused.  by saturday, i could have sworn to you that it was still wednesday.  the red sox won the world series sometime that week and i remember nothing about the game.  i was hardly excited.  i was rather apathetic towards the entirety of the outside world for that first week, but all of a sudden...things started to turn around.

i started to really evaluate what i was doing with my life.  i think i can partially thank the 14 and 15-year-olds that were filling up beds in Alcott.  they were so young and they didn't want to be there; they weren't ready for treatment. they were under 18 and had no choice.  i couldn't believe what i was watching.  and then, seeing the patients that are older than me... is this where my life is going?  do i want to be on an NG tube on the EDU when i should be home with my kids and my family?  this has got to stop.  i can't do this anymore.  i deserve so much more than the life my ED is setting me up for.

i promised my treatment team that, from that point on, whatever they say goes.  no leaving AMA again, no refusing boost, no nothing.  i gave up my right to make my own decisions when i left work for the ER that day.  i had no right to make choices about my life at this point and i was ready to accept that.

i left Alcott on nov 3 and went to partial the next day.  i spent over a month in partial, and now close to a month and a half in IOP.  after years of behaviors and program after program and years of therapy... i've been discharged.  i am officially done at walden.  and what a fantastic feeling that is.

 i have some things to say to the girls that i've "left behind" (for lack of better phrasing).  first of all, the words that were said to me during my ceremony tonight meant more to me than i can ever describe.  i could not have chosen a more amazing group of girls to end my treatment with and i was so blessed to get to know you all.  there were 2 comments in particular that really completed the experience.  one was betty's, saying that i really had dbt down to an art and that sometimes, it felt like i was just another counselor in the group.  the other came from a certain beautiful girl who i've watched grow through my own experiences.  i don't even have to watch her through treatment to know that she's going to be just fine - i've already seen it happen.

and, for my final parting note, a thank you from the absolute bottom of my heart: i wouldn't have made it this far and been able to grow in the way that i have without the help of 2 of the most astonishing people i have ever known.

bs: you've been with me since the very beginning.  even when our time together included immoral and destructive rituals, you always had my back.  we've both been back and forth many times, but you were the first person i ever had to really connect with on this level.  i will never forget the night you braved the horrendous connecticut rains to come visit me while i was inpatient and showed me the true beauty of full recovery.  you are so strong and you've been such an inspiration to me.  i will always believe that you were the reason for my attendance at dean.

bd: sometimes, i wonder if i thank you too much.  and if you think i do, stop reading now, because i'm gonna do it again.  you were the first person i was ever able to open up to about...anything.  i've never felt so comfortable around anyone before and i could never put into words how that's really affected me.  however, the thank you is really for the morning i left for inpatient.  the very, very early morning.  it was a painful conversation, but i needed to hear everything you had to say.  it was the final push i needed to finally turn my life around.  you've saved me several times, in several different ways, and i hope to God that's the last time you'll ever need to.

now, to find me 20 lbs and kiss this demon goodbye for good.

please die, ana.

i'm learning that there are different phases of recovery just like there are phases of mourning.  and that's exactly what i'm doing: mourning the loss of my eating disorder.  the stages are slightly different, but i've felt all of them.  the order, in this case, goes something like: denial & isolation, depression, bargaining, (radical) acceptance, then anger.

this is not how i expected to feel when i was finally ready to walk away from my disease.  i was pretty sure acceptance would be last and then i would just be forever happy.  and i am happy, but i find that it's very difficult to not be angry about the time that i've lost to this fight.  i know this wasn't my fault, but i can't help but feel like there might have been something i could have done to prevent it.

i feel like i've lost so much valuable time.  i wonder what my life would have been like without being sick.  maybe i would have my AA, maybe i would be graduating from CDIA tomorrow and starting the next portion of my education next month instead of finishing this semester.  maybe i wouldn't have run half my relationships into the ground.  maybe my body wouldn't be struggling to keep weight on and to keep my blood pressure and pulse regulated.

i keep reminding myself of the wisdom i've earned through all of this that i would never have, but i can't help but wonder if it was worth it.  do the gains from my eating disorder really out-way the loses?  when i word it like that, it seems horrible; no one should ever prefer to have an ED.  i don't think it would bother me so much if it weren't for that one huge loss; the one thing that kept me going even when i was truly at rock bottom.

i guess this is just life and even in this anger, there are lessons still to be learned.  so i'll take what i'm supposed to from it and move on the best that i know how.  i wish there was a way i could show these disturbingly young victims i see what they're doing to their future.  what they're really doing to their bodies.

in other news, i finally feel validated by my team at walden.  they've come to realize that my stunted weight restoration is not connected to my eating disorder, but to my ocd.  they've decided that mentally, i'm really ready to go and my discharge date has been set for next thursday!  after 3 long months (and almost 3 long years of recovery), my intensive treatment has come to an end.  it's now up to my outpatient team and i.  i can't believe i'm done at walden.

my social worker and i discussed making an intake appointment at mclean's for their ocd program, which is supposed to be the best in the country.  she told me she'd like to me spend some time outside of treatment with just my outpatient team for a while and see how things go and to think about it.  mclean's program is only day and residential.  i've been doing a lot of thinking and i've been doing a lot of work on my ocd on my own and i think i will be able to do this on my own.  i've made a surprising amount of progress, actually, and i really think i'll be okay without another program.  i do want to look into a therapist that specializes though, because i've never actually had a taste of really confronting my ocd.  and...my insurance doesn't know i already have another therapist, so what's wrong with having two, huh?

i got this :)

i make you believe.

having an eating disorder comes with some incredible talents.  part of being sick is being proud of these talents that are really nothing to brag about.  it's an amazing thing to watch your blood pressure drop, to have a successful 48 hour water fast, and (of course) to get away with it all.

the lies are what keep the disorder alive.  if we're caught, it's over...at least until we get back on track.  there's practically a handbook of answers for any question that gets thrown our way, and we're required to memorize them if we want to hang on.  we lie to our parents about having plans to eat out with friends; we lie to our friends about already having eaten at home.  we avoid eye-contact while we convince our doctors we've eaten 100% of our meal plans and stayed consistent with meds.  we've mastered water-loading so the number they see on the scale is higher than our true nose-diving weight.  and each time you're fooled, we come a little closer to winning.

it's a sick and twisted routine that we can't help.  the eating disorder has a voice screaming at us 24/7 and we have no choice but to obey.  it's loud and it owns us.  you don't hear ED patients often talk about this voice because people don't understand.  we don't want to be confused with schizophrenics.  it's different, but it's hard to have "outsiders" understand what it sounds like, and it's hard for us to know we shouldn't acknowledge it because the voice sounds immensely like our own.

then, one day in treatment, after days of fighting and crying during meals, there's another voice.  "shut the hell up.  i have to eat this meal."  and you do.  and that ED voice hisses louder, but every time you tell it to fuck off, it's forced to loosen it's grip a tiny bit more.  over time, that healthy voice becomes the dominant voice and eventually, there's that light at the end of the tunnel.  the voice from hell is dying and that, my disordered friends, is the real win.

now, for those of you that have been blessed with "normal" eating habits, this is an extremely brief and rapid version of this process.  the biggest part i have left out of the process was learning that that voice isn't ours and that it's lying to us.  just because cream in our 10am coffee adds another 55 calories does not mean we'll suddenly put on another 10 lbs and we probably shouldn't eat again until our morning coffee tomorrow.  that not only takes a long time to learn, but it takes a long time to want to learn.  we control this.  that's what it's all about.

the tie in here is that i no longer hear that voice.  that voice officially died about a month and a half ago - maybe a little further back.  but it was in my head and it made me lie for my life to everyone that meant anything to me.  so how do people know it's gone, especially when they didn't know it was there to begin with?  how do people know they can trust me again?  how does a pathological liar prove that they're done lying? especially when my body's giving me such a hassle with weight-gain.

the intelligent doctors know that maintenance weight doesn't mean the eating disorder's gone, but it's also said that "body image is the last to go."  clearly, it's not the same for everyone, just like eating disorders effect everyone in different ways.  i have no body image problems, i am doing just fine dealing with my mentality without restriction, but my body's so used to being emaciated that it wants to get down there.  and i keep fighting and stuffing...and my doctors keep wondering what's wrong.  i feel like they're not completely understanding how detached from AN i really am, despite the fact that i am, by dictionary definition, still anorectic.  i just need to push past that 85% mark.

all i can tell them (and everyone) is that i'm done lying.  it creates toxicity that i've padded my life with for far too long.  it's not saving me from anything.  it's not worth losing trust over and i'm tired of being babysat because my staff can't trust anyone with an eating disorder.

* * * * *

on the side, in my links, there's a link for my 'johari window'.  it was created in the 1950s for personality awareness.  it's pretty interesting actually.  go to that link, fill mine out, and start your own :)

the good, the bad, and the ridiculously accurate.

What Emily Sam Means

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

* * * * *

You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

"you didn't have it all...but you will."

he said, while i sat, crying, on my hospital bed.

i've spent the last week or so wallowing in self-pity (excuse the cliché), which is far from the person i've been growing into. i just keep reminding myself of how far i've come and i can't let anything get in my way, now. i am on my way to having it all and there's no use in stunting that when i feel stuck. it just means i need to get off my ass and make a change, which is what i plan on doing this week.

i've been doing a lot of comparisons lately and i know it's all irrelevant. however, with my friends all graduating in 5 months after working their asses off for 4 straight years, i can't help but feel slightly inadequate. i've done very little since my high school graduation in terms of developing my career. what i have done in the past 3 1/2 years is really find myself and figure out who i am. i have learned more about life and gained an endless number of tools that i never would have gained in a college classroom.

sometimes, i hate every second that i have spent in this abusive relationship with my eating disorder. it has controlled my life for so long and could have easily ripped it from me, but i have no regrets. if someone told me they could erase my entire disordered past, i wouldn't do it.

this fight has been the hardest thing i have ever done and i've lost a lot through it all. but now, i feel like i can handle anything thrown at me. (mentally. don't throw shit at me.) it has brought me to a new level of intelligence and given me a significant appreciation for myself and everyone around me. those are two things you couldn't pay me all the money in the world to give up.

so now, after talking through this, i realize that as painful (and sometimes horrifying and mortifying) my last 3 1/2 years have been, i've done just as much time as anyone else. i'll finish school at my own pace. many people don't grab a BA 4 years after high school graduation and frolic off to a permanent career placement. hell, my therapist was in real estate until he was 30 before deciding to study psychology and eating disorders. everyone takes their own paths and, to be perfectly honest, i have been ashamed of mine for a long time. now, after 9 days of trying to pull an entry together that wasn't encrusted in self-pity, i realize that i am pretty fucking proud of my path and what i have accomplished in my life, so far.

on a slightly (but not completely) unrelated note: the other night in group, one of the girls and i got into a conversation about how differently we see people, now. we've found that, through our recovery, we have such a greater appreciation for the physical beauty in people, no matter what they look like. now that i finally feel comfortable in my own skin, i see other people with much less judgement than ever before. i see so many beautiful girls every day who don't even realize it and it makes me sad to know that, too often, no one's telling them. everyone deserves to hear it once in a while. i dare you to go out of your way to let someone know, today. i promise, it will make their day. and it can't be me - that's a total cop out :P

and, by the way, happy 50th entry :)

[3 new surveys]

tribute to a fellow fighting soul.

every now and then, a person will walk into your life that is meant to serve a specific purpose to whatever you may be experiencing at the time. often, we don't realize this person was introduced to us in order to help us learn a lesson, but in this particular circumstance, i knew it the moment i first saw him.
there was something different about J that i couldn't quite put my finger on - i just knew that i had to get to know him and there was a connection to be made. i was slightly thrown at first, because we were only in the same place for 3 days and i was sure that was the end of it. it was just enough time to be introduced to his slightly hidden - yet obvious - confidence and a muffled sense of humor.

when i was discharged from the EDU, i was a little more than disappointed that i didn't have the opportunity to get to know him better. there was something very intriguing about this particular man and i felt like there was so much i wanted to know about him that i didn't think i'd have the chance to learn. i never would have guessed that he would turn out to be the one patient that would travel through my recovery with me longer than any other i had met in my 2 1/2 years in recovery.
inpatient to partial hospitalization to iop. we ended up sticking together with small intervals of time between us as we stepped down in levels of care at our own paces. the way he talked, as i watched him adapt to life without his disease, blew my mind. he's a smart guy, but it's very rare to find someone with so much insight into his life. he's what my mom would call an "old soul", without a doubt. this isn't his first time experiencing life, and it shows. i loved listening to him speak during groups. even when he would slip (as we all do) and use his t/b, he understood what was going on and what he needed to do from there. he was always very honest about his "slips", but i could tell he never felt it was a step backwards and i watched him grow each time it happened.

he knew me in a way that no other fellow patient ever had seen me. for example, i don't always show the way i'm feeling in a conventional way. often, i show i'm rather content and comfortable by staying quiet in what can come across as an isolating manor. one night, during P/Group, i said nothing was really going on and i was in a rather good mood. a girl called me out and said i seemed rather depressed and was probably not saying something. before i could respond, J chimed in. "actually, you look fine to me. i've seen you depressed and this is far from it. and you know yourself pretty well, so if you say you're happy, then you are." i was rather impressed, and appreciative that he probably prevented me from becoming very defensive against this girl (who i had felt very put off by to begin with). but i was honestly a little taken aback that he jumped in to back me so quickly. even friends who know me inside and out don't always read me that well.

but the most amazing thing, and what i believe is the reason this man was introduced into my life, was what he brought back out of me. yes, i had felt my creativity begin to come back to me while i was refeeding on the EDU, but i was scared to use it. my mom always tells me i'm too hard on myself, and i know that's true. it's a large part of eating disorders; it's that constant and painful strive for non-existent perfection. i stopped drawing. i stopped singing. i stopped writing. i would become too angry with myself. nothing was good enough. in fact, it was profoundly horrifying. i was embarrassed by what was coming out of me, whether it be vocally or on paper.
we were often made to draw in "expressive therapy". i liked getting to draw, but everything i drew was terrible which was, of course, far from the point of the assignment. until, one day, we had to get up and walk around the room and look at what everyone else had come up with. when we sat down to talk about it, J was the first to speak up. "i would just like to say that you are so. incredibly. creative...i'm really amazed by the way you see things."
something about him saying that really turned me around. it was such a simple comment, but i couldn't stop thinking about it. i mean, for one, i'm not used to people commenting on me being creative...aside from my immediate family, but when you hear it for 21 years, it becomes rather mundane after about 14 or so. simply put, it meant the world to me.
since that night, i've worked hard on easing up on myself. i'm letting the stupid things go. a curve isn't round enough...a color isn't blended smoothly enough...these things that drive me to rip the shit out of a picture (that no one else is judging) and refuse to pick up a pencil for close to 2 years. i now look at those things and force myself to continue working. it doesn't have to be perfect. no one sees it like i do, and no one is expecting it to look like a museum piece. and i'm really enjoying drawing again. it's become more therapeutic than it is something that makes me need therapy. i've enjoyed singing again and have stopped judging myself for not being my vocal heroes. and, as you all know, i've been writing...obsessively, to say the least.
i'm done judging myself because i've realized that i'm the only person doing it. and if anyone else is, i don't care. that's not why i do what i do. i do it because i used to enjoy it...and i'm doing it for the same reason again. and i'm happy doing it. and i can't thank J enough for helping bring that back out of me just for showing me that things don't have to be perfect in order to make me happy. that's not what it's about.
[[...and after reading over this...i'd like to give an extra and final "fuck you" to another J :) you can only be so good of an artist if you stop being so condescending to another.]]

so, J, i hope you realize how much you've meant to me and how much you've effected my recovery over the last 2 1/2 months. i am so incredibly proud of you and i'll never forget the time i have had working through my recovery with you. you have such an unbelievable life and a beautifully supportive family and you deserve everything that you've worked towards.
[ and i hope you don't mind me sharing this with the rest of my audience ;) ]

where pleasure moments hung before.

i haven't written in a few days because dispute upon dispute have been piling onto my back and every time i open a new post, i freeze. i feel like the only way to practical way to get my mind into type is to scream at the monitor and hope it can translate for you all.

after a long day of thought and word-purge to the unfortunate souls who have crossed my path, i finally have a feeling of resolution and am rather calm again. well, that, and reminding myself that this is the happiest i have been in over 6 years and i am not about to let any petty affairs get in my way, now. so, when i thought my head was about to explode, i did what my mother has always taught me and changed my environment. i don't mean i up and left or rearranged my furniture; sometimes, changing your environment is as simple as jumping in the shower. and, if you let yourself, it's possibly to physically feel the water wash off the stress.

so, after all of my mental organizing, i can now present you all with much clearer (and more rationally-minded statements) than you have been subjected to, whether or not you've just been letting me vent, or have actually been the subject matter of my attacks. i hope, despite the side you were on, you can forgive me for the way i've handled things over the past 9 days. new beginnings come with a lot of stress. i like to think of it as a test; it's not like you can just start over, right? you have to be able to handle it.

* * * * *

when someone i care about is in trouble, i want to help them. a friend, to me, is someone who's got your back, no matter where that trouble stems from. whether the finger on the trigger belongs to a serial killer or belongs to you, i'm going to have to step in. when your life is at risk, you can get as angry as you want for me getting in the way of things that are "none of my business", but at least if you're angry, i know you're still alive and kickin'.
to be perfectly honest, it always kind of bothered me that you never showed any concern towards me. when i told you i was in the hospital, you treated it like i had just told you i was hanging out in my apt watching tv. you never asked if i was ok. you never asked how i was doing. even before i was in treatment, and you knew, you never seemed to care. now i know why. but don't you dare, for one second, think i'm going to enable you just because you're "not ready". if anyone understands that you have to be ready before you can get help, it's me. but i'm not going to sit and watch you slowly destroy yourself from the inside out. you mean too much to me. so you let me know when you're ready. i'm not going anywhere. i just refuse to watch.

kait and i had a long talk one night about "cleaning up". it's kind of like how we need to clean out our closets once every couple of years to keep things organized and make room. we no longer need old clothes that no longer fit or have no effect on us at all and we're just not interested in wearing anymore. it's a waste of space when we could have clothes in there that make us excited to get dressed in the morning and make us feel better about ourselves and more comfortable.
as cruel as it may sound, we need to do that with the people in our lives once in a while. like clothes, people don't always grow with us. sometimes they're great for certain points in our existence, but if they don't "fit" anymore, they can be detrimental to the person that we want to be. friendships become toxic if they're held onto for too long and they're not meant to be. as hard as it can be to let go of friends, it can be very freeing and very healthy for both people to go in the separate directions that they need to go.
i have been more fortunate than i can ever describe in words to have the number of friends i do that i can say have continued growing with me for as long as 13 years. but i have discovered that a group of people i thought i would party with in my nursing home one day was only in my life for a very specific reason. they came in when my life fell apart and were one of the most beautiful things to ever happen to me. and i know i may never have a connection like that with any other group of people again, but i don't need it anymore. which is why it's not available to me anymore, but i kept trying desperately to hold onto it. i'm done. i was done a long time ago, but i'm not holding on anymore.
i'm not saying i'm cutting myself off from everyone involved in that time. but there are specifically a few people that just...don't "fit" anymore. and it's not worth risking everything that i've worked so hard for. but know that i love you all more than anything for everything you've helped me through in those 3 years. thank you.

* * * * *

i had intended on there being a few more paragraphs than that, but as i thought threw them, decided they weren't even worth mentioning. it was just anger that no lessons had come of, which is probably a good sign that it's not worth hanging onto in the first place.

there is one condition i can't shake, and i haven't a clue what to do with it. i feel like it's haunting me, but that seems like such a harsh way to word something that, by no means, is nightmarish. but i've dreamt about it for the past 3 nights. i can't decide if i'm excited to see if it appears tonight, or if i'd rather avoid it. my dreams feel too real sometimes, and it freaks me out. and sometimes sucks in the morning.
i have a strong intuition, but surrounding events seem to contradict it. however, while i was laying in bed last night attempting to fall asleep, i tried to imagine flat-out going against my gut. even while it wasn't real, it felt so wrong and almost felt ashamed that i had even thought it. it all sounds ridiculous, but that's an unnecessary judgment, i suppose.
the moment that really screwed with me, though, was when i had a sudden urge to say something to someone that i would think wouldn't be appropriate. ...but if my intuition is pushing so hard for this...it seems more inappropriate to not do it. what's controlling me more? i've been in similar situations like this before, but i knew when a thought or urge i was having wasn't right. i'm not feeling that way now, but... i don't know. i would say it doesn't seem like a good idea, but who really decides that?
i wish i didn't have to be so "old cryptic-style xanga entry", but until i have this sorted out, i probably shouldn't give myself anything else to worry about. and if i don't get it out at all, frankly, i'll blow. so deal with the little bit you do get.

you know, as i work through all of these obstacles and learn the things i do, all i can think about is, how can i make sure i remember to tell my kids this? every time i come to one of my monumental revelations about life, all i can picture is me sitting, holding my newborn, and reciting it all hoping that they'll be able to remember it at just the right point in their life that they'll need to use it. i feel like i should write a book with everything i want to be able to tell my kids that i'm worried i'll forget by the time they're...real. there are so many things i feel like i already need to tell them, and they're at least a good 8 years away from conception. a little pathetic? or a reflection of the kick ass mother i hope i'll be some day? let's go with the latter - it sounds much less negative.

we're only liars, but we're the best.

if the truth comes out, and no one's around to hear it...does it make a sound?

our parents teach us to lie at a very early age. we do something we're not supposed to do (i.e. breaking the lamp). there you are, standing in the midst of the shattered ceramic antique, and mom flips a shit. now, these are all of a child's favorite situations, aren't they? being screamed at, knowing you've disappointed your parent(s), being grounded and/or having favorite things of yours temporarily taken away. so what do we do? everything we can to avoid those confrontations in the future.
we usually get caught in the lie, so we learn to get better at it and the lies grow as we do. our lives become more complicated and, you guessed it, so do our lies. we hide behind them to evade vulnerability. lies are our most common "flight" technique. we even lie to ourselves in a pathetic attempt to steer clear of getting hurt and everyone knows that will backfire 99.9% of the time. fuck it - 100%.

there are so many different categories of fabrication, too. there's the lie told to save our own asses from a verbal spanking, the lie told to save a loved one from pain, the infamously debatable "what s/he doesn't know" lie, and the lie people of my experiences are most well-known for... the "it's fun to have my own secret" lie. then, there's this new category i've recently discovered. the "i was originally telling the truth, but the truth changed shortly after and i haven't corrected myself...yet" lie. that one is as complicated as it is drawn out. it also often overlaps with "what s/he doesn't know," which can cause more confusion.

i left my music dormant on my ride back to westborough this evening, but the ride was anything but silent. my secret, not one of the fun and devious ones to keep, felt like it was reverberating off my skull walls, as if to make sure that i can't forget it's there. i won't fucking forget, i promise. is it a lie? am i being dishonest to not share it? am i keeping myself from something amazing by swallowing this down? will it tire itself out and slowly fade, or am i going to have to listen to it scream at me until it makes it to the ears of the right person? when did this truth replace the one that i was telling before, and how much did the original effect everything that's happened since that day.
i've shared the must current of the two facts with my group...and myself. and while it thrills me to declare that the hardest thing i must fight through right now has nothing to do with the ghost of an eating disorder in my life, it's something i find i'm actually ashamed of. i can even say more of my eating disorder than that.
shame is not a thing i often associate myself with. there are only two other facts of my own life that i can truly call myself ashamed of: my greatest fear, and something i did when i was 15. i don't want to tell anyone else... i'm barely able to admit it in my own mind and it still sounds awkward out loud.

i wish i could get a sign...or God could come to me in a dream or something and tell me whether or not i should just be honest. and if ever, when. and most importantly, how much time do i even have?? life's not that cool, though. and God doesn't like to communicate with us so closely like he did in the Torah. so i'm left here, with my own tools, to decide which hurts worse: sitting with my lies, or having answers no matter how good or bad.

is this the point where i start turning back to my teenage practices of wishing on stars...
c'mon, now. i must be too old for that now.

it was the best of times...it was the worst of times.

so...this is the new year. and i suppose, in a few ways, i don't feel any different. but, in a million and one ways, i do. very, very different. 2oo7 was the ultimate roller coaster. i think i have experienced every possible emotion in the past 365 days. love, spite, accomplished, inadequacy... it was in incredibly painful year with so many transformations. it can be hard for a person to keep up. and the site that all these occasions has brought me to was worth all the struggle. and i'm taking all that i have learned into 2oo8 and leaving the rest behind. it's clutter. baggage claim can lose it, but this is their only free pass.
i always say i have no regrets. and while some memories are painful - and even a bit (if not massively) mortifying - i needed to experience those and i will no longer consider them "fuck-ups". they were lessons, and important ones at that. it's in the past and i'm moving on.

that said, i have a confession to make. with all the growth and evolving i've been doing lately, i have one bad habit - a behavior, if you will - that i'm finding difficult to break: perfectionism. next to control, i hear that's kind of a huge issue with eating disorders... and i'm working on that. but i find that i'm slightly ashamed of still acting irrational about painful situations, letting events be painful to begin with, and even crying. like fighting through all of my weaknesses will suddenly make me strong enough to no longer feel hurt by anything. writing it out and seeing it in front of me, of course, makes it look even more ridiculous. alright, i get it.
my mom and a few friends have all voiced their concern with how hard i can be on myself. i know i am. and sometimes, i force myself to let it go and allow myself to be imperfect. other times, it's difficult and i become very frustrated. like, with my left-hand experiment. i have discovered i am actually starting to overcome that, though. this just occured to me, actually. i've started drawing again; i'm obsessed with it, actually. i stopped for a long time because i would become so incredibly angry with myself if a stroke didn't look just right. how i've never launched a sketchbook out a window blows my mind. but now, i find it more of a therapeutic activity than a competition with every other artist in the world. quite the opposite, i'd say.

on a completely different topic, do you ever find that when you're in a difficult situation, it seems to replicate itself everywhere it can? suddenly, every television show and movie you watch just happens to write your life into their script. like, when my mac's hd crashed, and then carrie's mac's hd crashed on that night's episode of 'sex and the city'. except...this is a little more...life-involved. i do, however, like how it was written into the episode of 'friends' i just watched. they made it seem so much funnier. much more than carrie bradshaw - she can be really dramatic. she's a lot of things i don't like about women. but now i'm off topic. bottom line - i am perpetually confused. and just when i think i have things perfectly sorted, i find...life doesn't allow for perfection. people don't learn from perfection. and twice, now, this theme plays into my entry.

on a lighter topic, new years was amazing. carissa and i decided to set dec 31 apart from every other night we hang out by throwing in required semi-formal dress and no less-than-usual bud lite ;) there's no group of people i would have rather rang in the new year with. it was a beautiful thing. pictures to come.

and to start the new year: for the first time in at least 14 years...i've avoided my disgusting habit for over 24 hours. and, as much as i can't believe i'm saying this, the urges are slowly but surely beginning to fade. i never would have thought it possible, but it's quite rewarding to find...well...it is.

in closing, i wish you all a happy, healthy new year, and good luck with all your resolutions :)
here's to new beginning's. l'chaim.