is life ever not about changes?

i wish music wasn't such a huge anchor for me, sometimes. i listen to old songs, often ones that i've discovered in the winter (i.e. certain Used songs, certain Imogen Heap songs, etc.) are the ones that really hit me hard. they're not always bad feelings, but i still don't know how to deal with them, i guess.

for example, last night, i couldn't handle "just for now". i don't know what it is. i feel exactly like i did when i was introduced to it, which was amazing. it was kind of like.. a rebirthing song and i still love it. but it was hard to feel that for some reason. maybe it's just too intense for how i was actually feeling last night.
i wish i could erase the feelings that some songs are really anchored to so i could just listen to them like any other song again.

* * * * *

things are changing; some too slowly, some too quickly. the lack of balance is frustrating, but i would lying if i said it didn't keep things interesting.
for one, the moving situation, while still unresolved, has a plan. i did find an amazing place, but i lost it. gotta be quicker. i was upset, but it raised the awareness of my rooming situation which can now be worked on. i have a roommate for august and that's currently my only guarentee. i'm actually ok with that, too. i'll find a place. yanno, even if tomorrow is the last day of june and i would like to move on august 1.. but that's ok.. checking out the 1 millionth apt tonight. keep your fingers crossed, if you believe in that sort of thing.
i've received a surprising number of responses to my status change on facebook. people apparently thought that because i went from no status to "single", i had been committed to someone. nope. was not. and i don't have patience for games, nor am i the kind of girl to sit and wait.
on the same note, i will and have been straight up and honest. i don't understand why things aren't sinking in on either side. i could not be more straightforward about the things i've said, and yet there still appears to be some strong misunderstandings with multiple people. is there a language barrier i'm missing?

* * * * *

i've been writing for about 5 hours, now. i should probably take a break.
but, ew, this blog definitely needs a makeover when i come back.

p.s. i promised wedding pictures. here are my shots from the haddad wedding.

wedding recovery.

this past weekend was absolutely unbelievable.  two very dear friends of mine got married and it was, by far, the best wedding i had ever been to.  the photos are posting as we speak; i will update this entry with the link as soon as they're done uploading.  it'll take about another hour.  i should really learn how to prep for web..

in other news, here are some quick, i'm-getting-a-migraine-and-can't-stare-at-the-screen-much-longer updates..

• wisdom teeth surgery is set for july 3 (next thurs).  yes, i "lucked out" getting an appt so soon, but the pain is becoming unbearable.  my food choice is getting softer ever day.

• i have given out my business card.  that's cool :)  website is still not live.. should be up by the end of tonight.  tomorrow night, latest.

• for those who don't know, i now work @ margarita's.  no, you can't visit me until i'm done training.  so, when i'm back to work after my surgery, you're allowed to come in :)  no, no one's getting anything free.  let me establish myself there, first :P

• i might be changing my mind about wedding photography.  yes, i currently really suck at it (mostly lighting-wise).. but, i think with some practice, i could really enjoy it.  maybe i'll pick up a few assisting gigs for the summer.  shooting, only, of course.

• things are still up in the air with HStock.. haven't heard from them.  expecting a check.. i'm going to shoot them an e-mail before i pass out tonight.

just one little angry update:

• i really don't like you.  i wouldn't care except that you're making a very important decision for me extremely difficult and it shouldn't even have anything to do with you.  that makes me dislike you even more.

(for the record, i can 120% guarantee this person does not read my blog.  so no, it's not you, innocent reader.)

that's all.  back soon with the links.

holy crap, i'm tired.

for the pure sake of amusement..

i usually save all that survey crap for myspace because, let's be honest, no one reads that bulletin shit, anyways.  i'd rather not trash my blog with stuff like that, but this seemed amusing and i need something a little light-hearted and pointless to life at the moment.  you'll get over it.  feel free to do it yourself.

The Google.

1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
emily needs almost 24-hour care.

haa.....:(

2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
emily looks like a very charming woman, with a natural beauty and a sparkling, unconstrained expression in her face.

hey, i'll take that :)


3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
emily does her best.

well, it's about time someone noticed.

4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
emily hates you.

aww.. that might be true.  ;)


5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:
emily goes to berkley.

no, she doesn't.  she should've looked into it, though.


6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
emily loves to bounce.

...*dying laughing*  (it's funny cuz it's truuuue... it sometimes replaces wiggling.)

7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
emily eats some corn pops on the way to the party.

do i..  do i really..


8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
[when] emily has to shit..

it's a youtube video.  and no, it's not even a little amusing..

9: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:
[do you think] emily will be pregnant by casey?

no, i don't.


10:Type in "[your name] went" in Google search:
emily went and did it.

it's true.  i'm sorry.


11:Type in "[your name] was" in Google search:
emily was a well-behaved girl.

emily dickinson, apparently.  i guess i was, once upon a time, as well.

12:Type in "[your name] believes" in Google search:
emily believes she owes no one taxes.

so fuck off, massachusetts.

bands you should know.

djatmaterra.

sort of a guster/dispatch sound.

the lead is an old camp friend of jay's.

they used to jam together.. aww. ;)

lansdowne.

discovered them at the 5/31 show they did with djatmaterra.

griffon.

met these guys through kait.

the singer's teaching me guitar.

sometimes, they give me free wings and beer ;)

no casino.

also discovered at the middle east on 5/31.

big. f-ing fan.  i love a band that can really work a stage.

r.i.p colby hillier, 22, whs 'o4.

about a week ago, colby hillier's boyfriend crashed his car in douglas, with her in the car.

drugs and alcohol were involved.  "foul play" was suspected.

both were taken to the hospital; he was treated and released.

colby was unconscious.

her boyfriend was charged with drunken driving and surrendered to police custody.

colby passed away at umass memorial early this morning.

best wishes to the hillier/charland family.

no one should ever have to know what this feels like.

i'm going to single you out..

dear kelly (from iop),

if you still read this, get the hell in contact with me.

i miss you.

and i have no other way to contact you :(

love,

me.

d.o.f whore.

some shots i took @ the family reunion today.  many more to come.  they'll also be up on flickr later.

i'm too hot and lazy to write full sentences and blog like a normal person.

where i'm at..

i can't help but wonder if i've missed my last break - if from here on out, my life is just going to be a mess of event after event and when one thing calms down, another will be sure to take its place. which, i'm sure i'll be able to handle. i would have just really liked to have a break somewhere to be ready to organize everything.

i guess i can try to organize here.. hey, what else is a personal blog de word-purge for..

1.) since graduation, i have been working on freelance projects - one of which (as many of you know) is driving me out of my mind. it's a mess and we're trying to figure out what to do about it. i've worked to try to find more cost/time-efficient ways of working the job, but i feel like they're putting a lot of money into me going nowhere. my boss told me to take a break for now.. we'll see. until then, i'm going to try to find a way to work it. i feel like i'm missing something.

2) i really need to blog more. i have so much to blog about and i'm really slacking. (sorry, readers! not that many of my f.o readers read this one as well..) but it's stressing me out because it's piled up so much. i should really just sit down and bang out a bunch of entries and pre-date them - which blogger let's you do now - so they'll post more consistently.

3) money's tight, but somehow i'm surviving off what i've got. i don't know where this stock job's going to go, but i have a job fair coming up. i have business cards in the mail and a website built, i just need to really get on the actual gallery work. it's lookin pretty good, though, thanks to bill :) i also have a restaurant interview in a week so i can start bringing in some steadier money.
i thought working from home was going to be fantastic, but it's really a struggle to get myself motivated and working. it's not really my style. when things tie up with hunt, i think i'm going to avoid work like that again, at least until i have an actual office. working on my bed is really not the brightest idea, but there's nowhere else to go in my house.

4) my head has been.. full. i'm more than ready for what's going on, there's just a lot coming with it and it's weird for me - understandably so. there are just things i want to say that i can't tell whether or not they're relevant (yet). i'm wondering if relevance doesn't even matter and i should just spit it out before it fucks with my head any further. it's been years since i've dealt with something like this and, to be perfectly honest, i don't have a fucking clue what i'm doing right now. soo.. wish me luck. (i know.. one of those really classic-emily "wtf are you talking about" posts. believe me.. you all know exactly what i'm talking about.)

5) it appears that the possibility of moving out is.. not all that possible right now. it's difficult. i'm sure i'll find something in my rage, but it's frustrating and difficult. i'm trying not to get my hopes up right now, but.. c'mon. let's be honest.. i gotta get out of that apartment for like, a million reasons.

6) i have a lot of dr appts to make. i need to get my eyes rechecked and replace the glasses that apparently fell out of my bag on the train a few months ago. (yes, i'm prone to losing shit. get over it. i have.) but hey, insurance covers it. i just miss my glasses :(
i'm going to have a consultation for invisilign (woo!) because my wisdom teeth have fucked up my bottom row. yanno, coming in sideways and all..
which brings me to my next kick ass appts i need to make: 2 oral surgeries. i need my wisdom teeth out and i need to have jaw surgery. the good news is, i've waiting so long to do it that they no longer need to break and reconstruct my jaw like they told my mom they would need to do when i was little.. now, it'll hopefully just be arthroscopic. but still.. 2 oral surgeries. seriously..
and for the record, never listen to your friends about whether or not you should have gotten or should be getting your wisdom teeth out :P just go to the fucking dentist. i'm getting mine out at the perfect time, after having multiple people freak me out about having possibly waited too long.. why do i do that to myself?

whether or not you read all this, i don't really care. although, i'll admit, that's pretty impressive. i just needed to get this all out. honestly, i feel a little more relaxed about it all. i love my blog.
now, i'm going to go finish up my laundry, finish all my calls (huge for me..), and get the hell back to waltham. and keep myself busy and distracted.. i hate when i can't control where my head's at.