Sunday, April 27, 2008

making changes.

i've decided i am not going to apologize for myself and how i've acted these past 2 weeks or so, because that was out of my control. i do, however, appreciate the patience that you've all had with me (3 people, in particular). it's meant a lot. let's just say some lifestyle changes have been made (we can blame my insurance company for one of the major ones) and i think things are going to start to even out from here on in.

surprisingly enough, i've shown a great deal of contrast in how i handled things (specifically last tuesday and wednesday night) in comparison to how i would in the past, which was very comforting. i've also found the motivation to give myself more of a push and have gotten a great deal of typically difficult-for-me-to-accomplish tasks out of the way this week. that feels pretty good.

new goal: avoiding the phrase "i can't afford it." the phrase, in itself, is rather victimizing, which is not my style; i was taught better than that. whether or not it's true, there is nothing necessary about saying it and it doesn't get me any closer to being able to "afford it". besides, i am actively job-searching, and have made a good deal of money (utt) in the past month which...blows my mind. at least i know, now, that i am officially set (bills/rent) at least through july. not to mention, i expect to have more money coming in before that time, anyways. i really have nothing to worry about.

life, coping skills, personality traits... these things are all a constant work in progress, aren't they...
as long as i can continue to consider myself "stable", i consider myself in a very good place.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

american apparel; photo gallery in disguise.

dear american apparel,

are you actually selling this shit????? check out those blues. and what, did your uncle jim with his $800 pentax do the amazing photog work?

here are some prize-winners. hard shadows and the bottom of the seamless. or, probably just the white wall in uncle jim's dining room. god, hire a retoucher, at least.



and, for your viewing pleasure, i figured i would share with you (as they did, apparently) how talented their staff photographer's really are. they seem to find it appropriate to post a slide show of irrelevant staff-created work on their clothing site. is this a joke??

Monday, April 21, 2008

+/-.

-

i was so tired last night, i couldn't even type. if you know me, you know that's bad. i almost felt like i was dying. so, i went to bed in record time: 11pm.

...then, i woke up at 12am and could only sleep in 20 min intervals (if that) for the rest of the night. torture.

on top of that, someone came to visit, drunk, @ 3am and 110% lacks common courtesy to shut the hell up when other people are sleeping. i texted, i hit the wall... i woke up very angry, as did our other roommate. i'm over it now, but this is not the only time it has happened. i've been pretty patient, but someone else is about to snap.



+

i just bought a 500gb hard drive. for $100. that was already in the form of store credit, anyways. famazing. it's usb, which kind of sucks, but i would choose size over speed for $100 (free money) any day. (...don't. i know what i said.)

i'm doing some clean up work and it's running horribly slow, but it'll be worth it.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

practicum: now on blogger!

well, mine is.

if you read this and want to follow my practicum...er..."journey"... then check out the blog :)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

wrong emily.

i was sitting next to my practicum location on the stairs, waiting for tana to come back around. as i am waiting, a man comes walking over to me with a huge smile on his face.

man: hey, emily!!
me: [desperately searching for his name, but he's not looking familiar.] oh, hey--
man: oh, i'm so sorry... you're not her... heh... [walks away, uncomfortably.]
me: i...wait...huh???????


how often does that happen??

Sunday, April 13, 2008

backstage: live blog, part 2.

act 2 has begun. all is well. andy (director) came back to tell us things are going great and the audience is... still hysterical at everything we do/say :D i love this show.

it's always weird for it to be the 2nd act of the last show. i'm having mixed feelings.

i'm gonna leave it off here. we finish, we strike, we celebrate, we EAT. and our lives pick up where they left off over a month ago.

and i search desperately for another chance in the spotlight...

backstage: live blog, part 1.

i am sitting backstage at the final performance of "fools", bentley's spring show. it is still act 1 and it's going fantastically. best crowd so far in size and energy. i looove a good, energetic crowd.

i'm going to be sad when this show is over, but it's going to be so kick ass to have my life back. especially having to get into practicum this next week... i need time to breathe. and my room needs to be cleaned. my god, my room needs to be cleaned.

last act 1 cue is coming up. i'll be back.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

stressin.

it's weird to cry and not feel ashamed of it.
i have for too long.

a person can only be so strong and still be human.
i gotta break once in a while,
and the past couple weeks built up fast.

i'm freaking out a bit.
about practicum, about the next month,
about having to support myself as of june 1,
about all these changes that are going to rock the lives
of everyone i graduated with as of may...
i'm scared... no matter how much he tells me not to be :P
i'll admit i want to run for a week or 2,
but my finances won't allow for it,
which is better.
going away now will serve no healthy purpose for me.


i have too much going through my head,
much of which is irrelevant to where i am right now.
i just... need a reset... or something.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

twisting my stomach into knots.

i feel like my brain is stuck.
i can't think about much else.
and they're so. damn. inconvenient.


i forgot what middle school crushes felt like.
aren't i too old for this?

Friday, April 04, 2008

hella update.

school.
today is the last day of my last module in the photography program. i have a 2-day workshop i have to take to make up for business fundamentals, but i have a better teacher this time. whether or not i pass this week, i'm not sure. my attendance has been rather poor considering that sleep didn't really fit into this week between school, homework, rehearsal, and time spent at the hospital. i'm begging them to overlook that and let me off the hook for a week.
practicum starts on monday. i still don't know what i'm doing. i haven't heard back and the woman who runs it is away until then. i might be starting late. i hope i find out soon...

home.
things are much better. not perfect, but better. the apt is a wreck and i have a lot i would like to talk to the roommates about. i'm rather frustrated, to say the least. but we can't talk, obviously, until tana can stand on her own two feet again. talking can wait.
tana is home from the hospital, thank god. the poor girl just wanted to sleep in her own bed. i'm worried she was discharged too soon, but if that's the case, i'll bring her back. she has/had an e.coli infection in her kidneys. i'm...scared. i hate seeing her like this. she woke me up last night and i've had a knot in my stomach since. it hurts to watch her go through this.
i can't help but wonder: if it's this painful to watch her fight through this, how the hell am i going to handle my kids going through... anything? i mean, god, i feel like a single mother right now, taking care of her. i'd like to think i won't be raising my kid(s) alone, though... i just want her to be ok. i can't stand watching her in so much discomfort. i'm nervous about her flying on sunday...

play.
going great and very excited about it. we've got an awesome cast and it's going to be a great show. highly recommend you all come. the dates are april 11-13 @ 7:30p fri&sat, 7p sun. bentley students get in for free, $5 for everyone else. do it.

family.
who are you guys, again? oh, and hey, i have a new cousin :) noah reilly. he's apparently beautiful and i'm dying to meet him. he had his briss last sunday, but i was passed. i didn't have it in me to drive to ct to watch a poor defenseless baby have a knife taken to him.

other ish.
  • that was completely unnecessary. i know it has nothing to do with me and it's your life, but i lose a little respect for shit like that.
  • oh, the inconvenience. the line between fun and frustrating has been crossed.
i have to do my eval.