brain function: check!

it was fabulous being back in school, thanks to those who asked :) i had this weird feeling while i was sitting in the classroom that just... felt good. it felt like life; it felt like being back in it. and believe me, there are no words to describe that feeling. just like that, the anger i had yesterday about my "wasted" month is gone. none of it matters, now.
i had to leave early (i know - first day back) which was great because this class is boring me to shit already. it has *no* connection to my career goals whatsoever. i'm glad it's my first class back so i can just get through it. next week is marketing, which i'm wicked excited about. that'll apply to all of us. way off topic... i left early to get a drug test for work, so now i can officially start @ PS until a better opportunity comes along. and, while this job doing promo work is awesome, the pay is... basically nothing. but that's how club & band shooting works, and that's why not many people do it.
i also have an appt w/ my career counselor on thurs so i can find out what the hell i'm supposed to do to get into retouching and, even more so, the aspect i want to be involved in.

i talked to c today (miss youuu) and was telling her all about my first day back when she told me, "you sound so much happier now that you're back in school." i so am. i was really starting to lose my mind and was getting a little depressed over the past couple days. i knew i was excited to get back, but i didn't realize it was going to feel this good.

i tuned my guitar last night, believe it or not. i thought i could suck up the pain, but she really needs some work done. i want to playyy. i also taught myself a song on piano the other night. seriously. well, ok, keyboard. but, for those who don't know, i don't play piano. always wanted to, but never had the time or money to stick with my teacher for long. but for some reason, i've had this surge of motivation to really work on it. i've decided to stop wishing i could do things and start doing them.
so, i've been given permission to take the keyboard for "as long as i want". (the little sister in me wants to do the whole, "it's technically mine, anyways" thing... but then i remember that jayme uses it more in a week than i have in 21 years...oh, and i'm 21 :P) i'd really like to work on getting this song i learned down (i'm kind of obsessed with it) and work on my coordination.

oh, and to top off my day, i finally talked to steph for the first time since she left for fl. i'm so happy for her. she's finally found herself :) i miss her, but it's not the crazy kind of missing where i can't wait for her to come back. yes, i can't wait to see her again, but i've never heard her this happy before. she's where she belongs.

the only thing that could make me happier right now would be to perform somewhere... i would kill to be on stage. like...seriously. i searched through auditions in the area for a while today. i found nothing. i'll keep looking...

(too many "..."'s in this entry...)

put me in, coach.

i'm not going to sit here and defend myself to people who aren't in my exact same position. i know what you think it looks like because i've been told. i'm tired of being told how lazy it looks like i've been.
i'm not going to play the victim. i have nothing to regret. i gave myself time to do what i needed to do whether you agree with that or not. this one month isn't going to matter for shit soon, anyways. tomorrow, i take a nose-dive back into the life that i gave up exactly 4 months ago today. so we can dwell on what you think i should or shouldn't have done in the past month, or we can get over it and let me move on and kick ass from here on out.

things i have to look forward to:

• heading back to CDIA
• getting back on track with my certificate
• preparing for my next step in edu
• meeting a whole new class of people (hopefully in my age group...)
• making money
• i have my d/t for petsmart tomorrow, so i'll start there soon
  (i already explained in the interview that this is a temporary placement...)
  
• i was offered a kick ass opportunity doing promo photog work for boston clubs
• i'm going to meet with my career adviser this week and get my name out there for retouching
• and 2 other things; one's in the works and one...is on the DL is isn't all that reliable
• h-e-a-l-t-h
• i've been loyal to my stretching routine (yes...it's possible...now)
• school = consistent structure = better sleeping habits = better eating habits
• better eating habits = weight restoration
• march
• more specifically... march 21 (spring) :D
• warmth isn't far away (in fact...we had some about a week ago, already)
• i've got new blades, yo

and the #1 thing i'm looking forward to...

• leaving it all behind.
• feb '06
  
• sept - nov '06
• jan '07
• oct '07 - feb '08

i'm starting over... and i take it as a good sign that i start over the week of nedaw 2008, the beginning of a new month, and exactly 4 months after i hit rock bottom. and, god, i did this all during the winter. i did the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life during the hardest 4 months of the year. if i could do it then... imagine how amazing the rest of the year (and all upcoming winters) will be.

now, i'm gonna go finish immaculating my room. can't start new in a mess. (well, you can... but why would you want to?)

masshealth: best if used by 010208.

monday night, i go to pick up my bc pills from cvs (bk pills, depending on how sick in the head you may be). i'm told that i only have one refill left. of all things they could have told me, that was apparently the most important. i pulled off to the side and drove back up to the window about 10 minutes later. the pharmacist informs me that my pills are not covered by insurance and the total comes to $63.50, which is $63.50 more than my insurance co-pay.

"um...yes...it is," i tell him, already slightly more than aggravated.
"hold on." he disappears to a computer on the other side of the pharmacy and returns to explain that masshealth and cvs are no longer contracting with each other. i will have to call my insurance in the morning and find out where i can bring my prescriptions to because, apparently, the number 1 "neighborhood drugstore" doesn't work with every insurance company. i guess i never thought about it.

the part that really pisses me off is that all i needed was birth control. but what if someone needed antibiotics for some crazy infection? that can cost hundreds. or insulin...heart meds...cytoxin... that's slightly dangerous, don't you think?

it's now friday - the first day i've been able to get in touch with my insurance who told me that it expired on 2/1/08. wow... good thing i was done at walden in january because i had no idea it even had an expiration date. of course, now i'm confused about what i was told at cvs about the contract. these are two separate issues...
so, i have 2 prescriptions to fill, i haven't had health insurance for 22 days, and the co. closed early due to the storm. i also no longer have a pcp and this all needs to be handled by 3/1. oy. i heart insurance.

should-ing all over myself.

i should have gotten a job over a month ago.
i should have done volunteer work.
i should have done more shooting.
i should be at maintenance by now.
i should have taken more responsibility.
i should be able to get up off my ass and make something of myself.
i should have a job that's related to my career choice.
should, should, should, should, should.
i just heard a bell ring 6 times in the back of my head. that damn bell. i have been really good at not judging myself and not being so hard on myself. i feel like i've been going by what i assume everyone else is thinking about me. (mind-reading; i hear you, betty.) i feel like everyone's judging me and i would be, too. i hate lazy people who can't get off their ass and do something. and i am judging me, most likely more than anyone else is.
however, i also know i need to stop being so hard on myself. no, there is no excuse for me not having a job right now, and i am reminded of this daily via my financial obligations... and verbally via my mother. i'm scared, for some reason. i'm scared to have responsibilities again. maybe because i feel like i let so many people down, before... not that avoiding helping my family hold up the roof isn't letting anyone down - myself, at least.

this entry wasn't meant to be a pity party. i've been through a lot and i'm finding it difficult to get back on my feet. i feel useless to society and unbearably irresponsible right now and, obviously, i have no one to blame for that but myself.
so, i can mope around thinking about all the things i should have done and all the money i should have made and all the weight i should have put on... or OR... i can get off my fucking ass and make some more changes in my life. what's my favorite dbt term, kids? ..... if you said, "opposite action," you're totally right.

so, tomorrow, the following things will need to happen:

• i will get out of bed at a normal breakfast-consuming time.
• i will do some shooting, including my banner for frozen.oranges (which i finally bought my props for).
• i will turn in the shots i owe to complete my 2 IP modules.
• i will find my bedroom floor and reorganize my nightstand so shit stops collecting on and around my bed.
• i will do some job searching for something a little more... appropriate, considering my skills & focus.
• and, of course, i will continue working on my awareness mission for NEDAW... but that's the one thing i've had no trouble motivating myself to do, lately. i can't believe the passion i have for it, actually.

i grew up with the family motto, if you don't like what you see...change it. i know better. so, i'm changing it. i've always deserved so much better than what i give myself. it is far past the time i should have started doing what i need to do for me. ...there i go, again, with the shoulds. i suppose now is the time i was supposed to become aware.

haa...

so, i tried something new. and it was weird... and i was slightly embarrassed by it, i'll admit. and now i realize that, like everything else in this world, it's just not for everybody. but hey, never any harm in trying, but i can tell you i'm done with that. it's just not my style. (i promise...this isn't as dirty as it sounds. it's actually quite boring.) oh, and thanks to timmy & mo for their emotional support ;)
school starts back up (for me) a week from today. i'll be meeting a whole new group of classmates, which i can't even describe to you how excited that makes me. and, for some reason, i have a feeling i'll have an easier time connecting with this class than i did with the one i started with. hopefully, they're more in my age group. i guess we'll see.

just a reminder: national eating disorder awareness week is coming up next week. i really want to encourage everyone who has any connection to eating disorders (patients, former patients, friends, family, etc.) to please get involved. even if it's just making a small donation to NEDA or MEDA. and spread the word :)

catsup.

it's been a rough couple of days and for good reason, but it doesn't make it suck any less. everything's really pissin' me off and i felt sick as hell the other night. the weird thing is, when i'm like this, it's women i can't be around. i can not only be around guys, i'd prefer it. i think i'm the *only* chick that feels like that.

other than that, not much has been going on. i was recently hired at PetSmart to work in their pet hotel. i'm just looking to get money in my wallet any way i can and i have connections there. plus, they're willing to keep me for weekends when i go back to school. if they can't give me enough hours, i might go back to waitressing...but i like hourly, better, and they pay pretty well.

i start back at school in about a week and i cannot wait. i think it'll help my weight-restoration a lot to have so much structure in my day, as well. i only have 6 modules left, and then my 4 week internship until i graduate.

my plan for post-CDIA looks like...going back to CDIA. i think i'm going to do their GD program, but only part-time. hopefully, i can get retouching work in the meantime, despite not having much of a background in GD yet. i'll have to set up a meeting with my career counsiler when i get back in a few weeks. i've got plenty of time to plan for may, though.

and now, for something completely different: i went to monster jam last night. for those who have never been, it's a show where monster trucks drive over scrap cars. they run races and do freestyle at the end, which means they run over more scrap cars and do donuts. once in a while, if you're really lucky, they'll flip over. the dcu is apparently too small of a stadium for much more excitement than that.

i had fun with the people i went with, but it was probably a one time deal. the fuel made for unbearable eye stinging and i probably lost 10% of my hearing. keep in mind, i'm the kind of person that hears motorcycle engines like people hear nails on a chalkboard. revved up monster trucks aren't exactly a beautiful sound to me. however, the motocross freestyle was pretty kickass. i have to wonder how many mothers actually support their child's choice to do that with their life, though...

the two weirdest parts of the night, for me, were having flashbacks of waiting in line for the nfg/good charlotte concert and being informed that the worcester outlets were taken down years ago... who knew?

afterwards, we went out for drinks, which was the best part of the night. it was great to catch up, even if a huge part of our conversation might have been about throw up... it'd be nice to see them more often.

splitting up.

i've decided (well...someone helped me decide) to separate my personal blog from my recovery blog which has been increasingly been growing to be...not so personal. so, if you're interested in continuing to follow my recovery, you can bookmark the following address. i'd appreciate it :)

also, if you have an ed blog yourself and you have linked to mine, please replace that link with the following.

http://frozen-oranges.blogspot.com

[part 2 of my most recent post is also up on that site.]



thanks, readers :)

through the looking glass, part 1.

i stood, looking myself up and down in the full-length dorm mirror. while analyzing my frame, i held a spoon of fat-infested peanut butter in my right hand and slowly licked it. every taste brought a feeling of relief and pure hatred towards myself. go ahead, em. finish the whole jar, you fat fuck. you've already failed yourself so you might as well finish it off right. i wanted to cry, but i couldn't. i just sat there, eating spoonful after spoonful of oil and fat and glaring at my mocking reflection. i must be the fattest ninety-eight pound girl, ever.

i lifted my spaghetti-strap dance tank to reveal a stomach that could pass for my second trimester. my fingers played over my ribs like piano keys. i clasped my hand around the opposite wrist, wrapped both hands around my thighs, pinched at the grotesque skin around my hips and stomach. the urge to crawl out of my body was unbearable. it was awkward, paunchy, and overall intolerable to be in my skin. it tingled and itched, as if it wasn't a huge fan of being in contact with the rest of my body, either.
i turned and walked back to my desk, put up some emo lyrics for an away message, and sat down to review everything i had contaminated my body with for the day. after about four items (three bowls of cereal, eleven cookies, endless handfuls of crackers), i good as lost control over my hand and scrawled the words "FAT WHORE" across the page. failure, i scold myself. you disgusting, worthless piece of shit. i wrote everything i could think of to show myself what an awful, disgraceful thing it was that i had done. these were the beginnings of the most abusive relationship i would ever be in.

* * * * *

i spoke with a friend the other day that had moved across the country last year and is rather behind on what's been going on in my life. we found ourselves on the topic of thought distortion, one of the hardest concepts for those without eating disorders to understand. how can a person so fragile-looking honestly declare "i'm fat!"? it's just a plea for attention, right? we're just looking for validation; for someone to yell, "no you're not, you're beautiful! i wish i was that skinny," right?

it's nearly impossible to describe how these disappearing men and women do not see what we do. when they look at their reflection, they see obesity. they see a person who is unhealthily overweight, and they believe it with everything they've got. the thought distortion worsens with deprivation of nourishment, meaning there is no such thing as thin enough. and the more one can convince their mind that they are, in fact, "fat", the more the mind will believe it. it only knows what we tell it, and the disease takes it from there.
one of the hardest parts of recovery is being told that the reflection staring back from the mirror isn't real. how do you convince someone that what they're seeing isn't what is actually there? well, you feed them and counsel them until their brain is nourished and informed enough to see themselves for what they really are. they just have to be ready to see it on their own.

her definition's have been wrong.

i went back to my allpoetry.com account that i haven't contributed to since i was 18.  i came across a poem that i wrote 5 years ago and - like most all of my work on that site - was never shared with anyone who didn't have that username.  i found it interesting that it was originally written about my experiences with self-injury (a behavior extremely common to go hand-in-hand with eating disorders), but reeks to hell of a recipe for anorexia.  how i never saw the symptoms sooner blows my mind.

now, let's just remember i was 16 when i wrote this - it's not about the lack of writing ability.  we don't judge here :P

Beauty's On the Inside

Beauty's on the inside

She's eating me alive

I've heard once that beauty brings pain

From what has this derived?

Beauty's on the inside

She's playing with my soul

Pulling, pushing, clawing hard

Begging for control

Beauty's on the inside

Her definitions have been wrong

She's a tortured personality

Failing to be strong

Beauty's on the inside

Tearing at my mind

She's pulling me down with her

Pain and pleasure half combined

Beauty's on the inside

But I want to bring her out

Find out what all the pain looks like

Perhaps remove some doubt

Beauty's on the outside

A blissful cerise shade

Beading at an open wound

I'd opened unafraid

© eliptical*****18 2003