Sunday, December 30, 2007

should old acquaintance be forgot?

tomorrow is the last day of 2007. typically, that would mean that i would go down the alphabet in a list of amazing experiences i've been through this year. but somehow, i now find that a rather boring task. it was an incredible, enlightening, painful, lesson-filled year. i can tell you that much. and if i ever finish my essay, you'll get to know much more on that topic. but i'm so thankful for everything i've been through this year and everyone i've had the oportunity to share 'o7 with.
i typically come up with really lame resolutions that i think i should do for 365/366 days out of the year and by january 4th, i usually fail. this year, i've decided to do something different. i've set a list of goals for myself - some to keep in mind for the year, and others that i'd like to accomplish in/by a certain month. i've posted them in my blog so i could keep track and be able to check things off as i accomplish them. i love checking things off. it's such a rewarding feeling. i plan on blowin' this year outta the water. 2oo8 is going to kick ass. and i invite you all to join me. i've been warming up for a brand new start for months. i'm ready. let's rock this.

jayme, bones, c & i went to see 'sweeney todd' today (second time for me). i'd just like to mention that johnny depp is pretty much the sexiest man i have ever watched slit throats for 2 hours. it's a little scary how incredibly attracted to him i am in this movie. his talent blows my mind, though. his acting is...phenomenal. i would kill to have the opportunity to work with him one day.

short entry tonight. no big revelations, and i'm on my old shitty lap top with a 10 min battery span. ...why is this thing still in our house.


the wood is tired
and the wood is old
and we'll make it fine
if the weather holds.
but if the weather holds,
we'll have missed the point.
that's where i need to go.
-ig-

Friday, December 28, 2007

leave all our hopelessnesses aside...

this morning, at approximately 1:30am, tana's grandmother (91) passed away. she's been very sick for quite a while now, so it was not unexpected, but certainly still painful for her. luckily, she was heading out to california for new years today anyways, so she'll be with her mom later on tonight. timing is never coincidental. but if you have a moment, and you know tana in any way, shape or form, send her some love today. it kills me to see such a beautiful person in pain.

i came to a few new realizations last night, during group. the first was that, HA, i'm really ok! to be blatantly honest, i really thought "winter break" was going to be difficult. winter break, in itself, was a habit i needed to break and i didn't know if i was ready and prepared to do so. but i can officially say: i have moved on from what was. i have moved on from the whole of the past and am ready for whatever is ready to come my way. everything from here on in is a new, fresh start. this realization started very specific and focused on that one aspect, but slowly, the idea of that growth in me seemed to apply to so many more aspects at once. it's like cleaning out my closet of all those clothes that don't fit anymore; or, that even still fit, but don't suit my style anymore. i don't need the extra bulk if it's useless to my well-being. so, here's to forming new - and healthier - habits. have i mentioned i love new beginnings?

my second realization stems from every addicts favorite cop-out: i can stop when i want.
if i wanted, i could put the bottle down. this'll be my last butt. one last cut. just a few more pounds, then i'll stop purging/start eating normal. but it becomes physical. your body needs it. it needs the alcohol, the nicotine, the rush of physical self-inflicted pain... the lack of nourishment. it learns to compensate on it's own. and it hates recovery just as much as you do.
when i reached 92 lbs, it became very difficult for me to continue losing weight. my metabolism because sluggish so that whatever food i did consume would stay in me longer. my body didn't know when it would be fed again - it had to hold onto whatever it could get. refeeding is a very painful process. the body despises it every bit as much as the psyche does. the stomach shrinks and refeeding forces it to expand at an incredibly agonizing rate. the metabolism begins to speed up with nourishment and can often go into overdrive, which must be matched by meal plan increases, or it will burn calories much quicker than they are being consumed. weight gain becomes a slow and extensive process that typically takes months.
i no longer consider myself eating disordered though, by definition, my diagnosis is still AN. i am mentally and emotionally recovered, and i can say that with a confidence i never would have dreamed i could. however, i am physically still sick. for the first time, it feels like a real disease. eating "normal" amounts of food causes me to drastically drop weight. i have to keep reminding myself that my body isn't ready for that, yet. i need to push myself past feeling satiated to keep gaining. it feels like i'm going to be on 2 ensure+'s a day for the rest of my life, but i am constantly reassured that, once i hit maintenance, my metabolism will balance itself and i'll be able to decrease my intake for the day. and that, my average-weighted friends, will be a fantastic day.
the bottom line, for those of you who are slightly slower on the uptake, is that i've completely let go. but it's been officially proven to me that i cannot just "stop when i want to." my body's trained and it's trying to hold on. now, i have to pull it out with me. and it's a rather exhausting process, but i've never had more fight in me in my whole life. so fuck you, ana.

this is emily rubenstein, and this has been your Radical Acceptance Report at Noon.
stay classy, waltham.

...if just for a little while.
i'm secretly on your side.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

...it's stronger than your pride.

i hope everyone had a wonderful christmas yesterday. mine went rather slower than planned, but it was ok. it ended with the traditional Jewish Chinese dinner that it should, and that's all that matters. i didn't get to finish cleaning from the night before and poor jess came home to what looked like the after-effects of... well, nevermind. too soon. but between the futon being in the front of the house, the mattress being shoved atop the Ugly Chair, and half of tana's life being spread between the kitchen and the living room due to a damming incident... well, there's a lot to be done.
i have to figure out what's going to happen for the party on monday night. i need to find some way to set up the futon mattress in a chair-like fashion, and get all of tana's belongings tucked away in her new bedroom so the place looks nice for new years. i refuse to have the house look like a dump when people are coming over. until i say it's ok, no one is allowed in that apartment :P

i've been thinking about a lot of stuff, lately, that doesn't really pertain to my life at the moment. however, it eventually will, and it worries me. it's a lot of marriage-type stuff. and it's ridiculous to let it worry me, because when it's ready to happen, it will be because it's no longer a worry of mine. but it seems like the theme of everything these days is prenups, divorce, and beautiful perfection crashing and burning. but then you see those old couples who have been married 60...70 years and have to wonder, why isn't that possible for everyone? i mean, yes, the majority of relationship stories i hear about are on bad foundations to begin with. but what about the healthy, beautiful relationships that start off so perfect and they love each other so deeply for about 3 years and then... hell breaks loose. it seems like an all-too-common story. of course, you never know everything that happens in a relationship that you're on the outside of and i know things don't just fall apart.
and yet, despite all of this, i have no problems with commitment? i mean, i come from a family of no divorces (on my mom's side, anyways) and extremely strong family values. my parents met and were engaged 2 weeks later and are coming up on their 26th anniversary (even in spite of the most ultimate and extreme of stresses that can be put on a marriage). i want that. i want to be in a marriage where divorce isn't even an option. but nowadays, why does that seem like a lot to ask of a spouse? people make it seem like it's unfair to ask someone to promise to be there for the rest of their lives.
i just realized, i have dated (to one degree or another) quite a few guys, none of which were the product of divorced parents. which the exception of one, who i've watched be petrified of marriage his whole life because of how his family was ripped apart. that was always something that bothered me a little, too. not the fact that he was so effected by his parents' divorce - i don't blame him for that at all. i just don't do well with men who are afraid of commitment. i like the men who know what they want and go for it. except in those cases where what they want while they're with me happens to be another woman...

the common advice in relationships appears to be, "be with the person who likes you for you...who will give you what you deserve...treat you like ___...etcetera, etcetera...". this always makes me think. i've had guys who treat me very well, who would give me anything in the world (so they say), and like me for exactly who i am. but i wasn't interested. it's not that simple and the chemistry goes so much deeper than that. it's not just about being with someone who treats you well. there's so much criteria. is it possible to find it all? to be best friends with a person, have them treat you the way you want to be treated, fall completely in love with them, and have them be able to completely reciprocate? it seems almost like being too picky, but it must exist. i mean, i know it does. i had it. but what lead it to fail and is it possible to have it again. it better be, because i refuse to settle for anything less.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

change like you...i've got all the time in the world.

merry xmas :) i love this holiday. christmas eve was brought in with the old nfty lovers, margaritas, boondock saints, and (obviously) chinese food. and, by the way, 'absolutely asia' is on my approval list for chinese food in the area. amazing.
i couldn't even tell you the last time the 4 of us were together. i'm pretty sure it was before dave and i graduated high school. it's been at least 2 years since i'd even seen dave (i think when nate's dad got remarried?). it was weird to see how much we'd all changed and what we had all been through since that time. and yet, we seem to act exactly the same way around each other that we used to - except, maybe a little more perverted :P it was really good to get to catch up with ali and dave (separately) and connect in a way that we weren't able to when we were younger. it's strange the things you come to find you have in common with people that you've known so well for so long.

sometimes, i find it odd how the intuition works. i don't always understand it, but you can't question it. it's almost always right (especially in this family). even when you can't find a single negative possible outcome for a situation, if something doesn't feel right in your gut, it's probably not meant to be. and so, we roll with that. while things might not always turn out how we'd like - despite how we think the aftermath will look - you need to remember it's always for the best. things will happen when they're ready. so...we move on.

this is going to be a short one, for now, because i need to get ready to head home and spend xmas with...my 2 Jewish families. but before i go, i would like to say... r.i.p. futon. you've done good for us. dave & nate, again, i appreciate you draggin' the poor bitch out to the front. now i just have to find an appropriate furniture arrangement for new years eve. if anyone has a couch or futon they'd like to donate, you know my number. if you don't... i probably don't want your couch or futon.
...gus is crawling on the folded mattress sitting on the Ugly Chair... i somehow don't envision this ending well.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

for once, the shadows gave way to light.

we all have to go through our first break-up sometime. and it's painful every time, no matter how old you are or how long you've been together. we all end it differently, we all handle it differently. in this case, it was ended with an, "i hate you!" and handled with a nap. poor devin. he didn't mean it - he really loves ashley, but these things happen. he'll be ok. for those who don't know devin, he's turning 4 in 5 days - and he doesn't even know what that means. i love him :)

i think one of my frustrations is going to get a little better. i believe it was well-handled (even without DMing) and that's a giant load off for me. i think i'm really ready for confronting the other, as well. it's probably going to suck, but it's going to suck much worse if i don't take care of it. and like everyone keeps telling me, i need to do what's best for me, which i've always sucked at. now's the time to work on that. i'm feeling rather confident about it, too :)

i'm also working on my 'spoiled' nature. my mom doesn't usually mind. i'm the baby in the family, and i'm definitely treated like it. however, i'm sick of living like that. i've been helping out much more around the house and helping dad with whatever his pride will let him admit he needs help with ;) i've also been helping my mom cook and don't fight with stupid requests that used to make me angry. and i feel much better about myself knowing i'm being more active around here when i'm home.
as i write this, my mom's telling me how i'm much more caring. i've apparently been very self-absorbed for months - maybe a year. i guess that's part of illness, in general, not just mine. but i was apathetic towards mostly everything, there were few people i felt true compassion towards, and i was selfish and needy (which...we all know...we won't go too into that). it sucks that i came across as such to someone i care so much about, but i can't dwell on that. i've very willingly dedicated a lot of my time towards both of my parents since i've been doing well. i don't think my mom and i have spent so much time together since i moved out, but we need each other right now. i've learned a lot about family values in the past year or so and i'm trying to spend more time with mine right now. i feel rather ill-involved since i'm the only one not living in the house and i want to be around and be there for them more.

i have a list of goals to complete next week:
  • call my temp agency and get some work.
  • call my school and get things in order to return in january.
  • get all of my work prepped and converted for my portfolio.
  • clean my sensor (which i haven't done in months) and get (good) batteries for my flash.
  • suck up the pain and pick up my guitar. i've got tough fingers :)
  • clean up the house for new years.
  • work on my essay - maybe finish it?
  • make a... um... *deep breath*...a uh, dentist...appointment...
and finally, i'm in pain. like, serious physical pain. and i know how to make it stop. and i was doing fine, and then i wasn't...and then i did better, and then i blew it all. i'm going to do it if it tortures me. if people can quit heroin, i think i can do this. it's going to be slightly tortuous, but i'm sick of dealing with it and i do not want to go to a hospital. i don't want to go to anymore hospitals. no more residential. no more programs. i'm going to do this on my own. and i'm starting at 6pm tonight.
there... i'm breaking 2 OCD habits at once. i'm starting at a time that's not at the beginning of the week, not even the beginning of the day. i could even wait a little longer and start on the first of the year. or... i could just... quit. my mom used to tell me that if you can stop doing something for 31 days, you break the habit for good. and that would overwhelm me because i'd go an hour and think, fuck this... i can't do this for a month! one step at a time. starting with today. and if i can make it 4 hours, i get to wake up in the morning with more than 12 hours already passing where i don't do it. i'm going to need a lot of cortizone tonight... don't look at me yet :/

oh, and sorry about my bitching about christmas. i solved my problem, which could have been done without the bitching, but i was... something. so, that's all for now. back in my more preferred state-of-mind and planning to stay here.

//edit//
this is for you...you know who you are :P


Saturday, December 22, 2007

an interlude.

i have never been more sure of anything in my entire life.

"us with the boobs. we make bad decisions."

i can't figure out what it is. i figured this would have passed by now. i don't know what ignites it or what keeps it going, but i want it to end. i feel like this is one of those puzzles that's going to push me off the edge unless i can figure out what the cause is and stop it on my own account.
i've wedged myself into my own confusion. she says i have all the answers, and she's right. i have all the possible answers - right and wrong - and i don't know how to sift out the wrong ones. i've been lying, but so have you.

i know what's coming in the next couple days and i'm hoping that what i'm going to do will get me where i need to be. it sounds like such a shallow plan, but this is really all trial-and-error for me, so if it works, bonus. if not, then i move on and find the next step. i could let this trial-and-error thing be really aggravating... or, i could let it be really fun and take advantage of the fact that i get to do this. personally, i'd really rather my life be fun right now :P

right now, christmas looks like either sitting at my apartment (very likely with a not-so-surprise guest...) or sitting in my parents' house. "it's hard to be a jew on christmas..." i love the holiday - it just sucks when i can't do anything for it. i'd pretty much love to not be in either of those 2 places. they should have the MB ON christmas for all of us who are sick to death of chinese food and pretending we have our "own special way" of celebrating a holiday just because we're jealous that we don't get a stocking on our fireplace. isn't that what chanuakah's for? pretending we're apart of the "season of giving"? oil burned for 8 nights, so we get wrapping paper, and cookies, and songs to sing, too. ...how do i have 2 homes and can't stand to be in either of them at certain times. so...where do i go?

sorry, i figured you all needed a break from my optimism. sometimes, things still suck. that's part of life. and at this moment, things kind of suck.

this entry hasn't even been a quarter of the things i want to say. and the more i want to tell people things, the more that builds on top of that. i'm wondering if i should just write everyone a letter and spill my guts... and then... fuckin' run. i think, as kiersten would put it, some "dear man-ing" needs to be done. maybe i'll try that. and i know exactly where to start.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

the least complicated.

somehow, my "funny" pictures have turned more to sad, but really cute pictures. i like them, though :(

before i go into...whatever i'm writing about tonight (i didn't really have anything in mind, actually), i'd like to share my dad's blog with you. his entry is about a gift i gave him 7 years ago. it might not mean much to you guys, but it meant a lot to me, so i'm posting it :)
he also posted this story that was 17 years ago, but i guess my dad had the flu really disgustingly bad one year. he apparently had completely convinced himself that he was going to die and was scared out of his mind. so, one day, he was taking a nap on the couch, and he woke up to me sitting on the floor next to him holding his hand. now, obviously, i don't remember this. i was only 4. but it reminded me how much he really does mean to me. he always has, despite all the rough times we've been through. and i will continue holding his hand when he feels like he's not going to make it. and, when i can't, he has his Travel Buddy ;)

tonight, a new girl joined the IOP group. her name is gina and she's the first person i've met in treatment that had felt the "click" that i did. i forget if i had mentioned this in any past post or not, but every doctor i've spoken to about full recovery has told me that, whenever their patients fully recover, they always speak of something "clicking" where they just suddenly decide... they're done. it's over, and they're walking away. and i've HAD that click... but i had yet to meet any other patients that had as well.
and, tonight, i met gina. and i've finally met someone who's really on my level, and it was so refreshing to see someone else where i was. don't get me wrong - i love my group in a way i could never describe, but it really becomes difficult to hear how people are struggling so frantically and are having urges and using behaviors and i... well, i have no urges. and my life is going exactly how it's supposed to. and even when i'm upset or frustrated or sad about something, i'm still doing great. and at least a part of me still feels great. and i wish recovery was one of those things that i could take everyone with me. i wish they could all be where i am. but i guess... i did my time. and they'll have to learn the things i've learned on their own and in their own way.
it's just so difficult to watch people you care about so much struggle so hard to get through every day in their life. that fight hurts to watch. i can't even imagine what it's like to watch it when you haven't felt what it takes to fight like hell to keep your head above water. and it's a difficult thing for me to not let myself feel guilty what i've put the people i care about through. i do feel a little guilty. but it doesn't matter anymore, i suppose. and that's something i'll have to deal with on my own. that guilt isn't worth it. i've done all my fighting, and all i can do now is try to rebuild that trust i've lost with people who have watched me discharge from treatment programs 5 times now. how will you know this will be my last time? well... just watch me.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

i wanna be one less (one less)... o-n-e-l-e-s-s.

wait, look! he gets a second chance :) aww. ...unless this picture was supposed to be first. either way, they're cute.

i was going to write while i was at iop (an hour early), but apparently walden has their own separate network from the rest of the children's hospital and i couldn't get in. bastards. anyways, i had a genius idea. my friend eva lives on the cape (where there's no help for...'people like us') and really wanted to move to walden so she could go to the day program. typically, i would this sort of situation a horrible idea, for obvious reasons. but i think our circumstances are slightly different. and let's face it. eva and i were not meant to live 2 hours away from each other. i'll talk to tana about it, and she needs to make sure that she'd be able to find a job in the area to afford the rent. but i have until feb 1st, so we'll see what happens. i know it's risky - we only knew each other for a week... but there was something very strange about our relationship and i think it would be ok.

i joined a website today that's sole purpose is to sell other people's crafts so they don't have to make their own site. so...wicked sweet :D i just need to take pictures of all of them so i can upload them onto the site. i kind of wanted to find like, a wig-mannequin to put them on, but i guess i'll have to make do. ideally, i'd like to actually have people model them, but i'll have to do that later on when people have the *time* to. for now, i'll see how they sell placed flat :P
my mom says they need a name. the problem is, it's very hard to name handmade crafts without sounding ridic cheesy. i don't want cheesy-named hats that sound like some old woman named ruth stitched 'em up while sitting in her rocker all day. does anyone have a good name idea?

i guess that's it. today was pretty low-key. i ran the rest of my errands, got some writing done, and got my 3rd gardisil shot. damn them :P i hate when doctors are like, "oh, hey! you get a shot today!" ...not that shots really bother me at all. i'm more affected by getting blood drawn, and i get that done once a week :P (or...i'm supposed to, anyways.) oh well. bottom line: no hpv for me :) so, yay.

...can we just talk about how freakin' excited i am for xmas eve? like, seriously, unable to wait.

can any human being ever reach the highest light?

this is how ridiculous i was last night.
i had my first tweak out in about 2 months last night. so i called my mom, who i could usually depend on to enable me and tell me i'll be ok. ...she's not enabling me anymore. she pretty much verbally bitch-slapped me, and thank the fucking Lord, she did. she told me how she hadn't heard me like that in so long, and how i kept talking about how this is the happiest i've been my whole life - why would i let myself lose sight of that now? and she was right. and i realized how ridiculous i was being. if she had called me the way i called her, i would've done the same. i sounded exactly like the people i can't stand and want to shake them and tell them to get a fucking grip. NOTHING is worth being that distraught over. i don't know what happened to me - just a moment of weakness, i guess. but i snapped out of it, which shows me just how how much i have grown. i control my thoughts - not the other way around. i was never able to snap myself out of it before. i would've spent the next week in bed and probably not eating much, if anything. but i got up, made myself something to eat, left my house and felt great again.
i've worked too fucking hard to lose myself to things i make up in my head. i'm scared as hell of what 2008 might look like, but it's such a dumb thing to be scared of when it's not even here yet. and whatever happens, i'll be ready for it when it comes. i can't prepare myself for something i'm not even close to, yet. i have more important things i need to focus on for right now. and that's what i'm going to dedicate myself to.

and today, i'm going to get out of my house, finish the errands i didn't run yesterday, and make the calls i need to make to get myself back into my life. i'm going to do some job searching and get some work done. i'm going to dust off my camera, which i desperately miss holding, and make something beautiful out of the mess new england has become in the past week. i'd also really like to pick up some new pastels, but i'm not sure i have time to go to framingham today. i hear there's an art supply store in waltham, but i have no idea what it's called. anyone?

in other news, i found myself in an all-to-familiar conversation last night. "um, emily? i kind of need to talk to you..." i know that line... where have i heard that before. AH yes...back in may, when carissa needed to sit me down to talk. uh huh. i swear, it's not me! well, carissa's leaving was about me... but that's a different story.
apparently, when i stopped looking for a new place after my tires remained inflated, someone else kept looking... and found a pretty sick deal. i don't blame her for wanting to take it. it's $50 less than what we pay, much bigger, has a washer/dryer, and off-street parking. which, considering the past week and how we've finally met our WICKED sweet neighbors *sarcasm*, i really don't blame her. and did i mention...it's right up the street. :P lucky her.
so, back to the roommate search...again. God, in a year and a half, 7 people (and 7 cats...) have lived in this apartment. tony's either going to laugh, or kill me. especially considering we all just resigned the t@w, yesterday.
on the bright side, i'm going to have the whole place to myself from dec. 28th - jan 9th. so...about 2 weeks of just me...and whoever wants to come keep me company :D it'll also be a great time to clean up with a third of the apt empty - like how i completely revamped the place when carissa & manda left.
so...anyone lookin' for a place for feb 1st? you let me know.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

leave your conscience at the tone.

i was going to write a serious blog tonight, but i think it's going to have to wait. because i know for a fact that no one is going to be able to take anything i type from here on out seriously with this icon.
i've never seen/heard this before... i wish i never had... and now that i have to be scarred for life with this image, i'm takin' you all down with me. so go ahead. think about flaming vaginas, and being able to party like you have one. i, personally, don't really think i'd be partying.

however, i do have to do a rant, so i need you to try to bare with me. and stop staring at my fire vagina picture for a moment.
i've deleted both aim and adium from my computer. they're toxic and i need to take a break from them. i could just...not sign on, but they would still be there for me to get on, and i couldn't handle the temptation. i am the person who will sit and read down everyone's away message. i'm the person that will try to have a serious conversation and not know if someone's just multi-tasking, or blatantly ignoring me. carissa can tell you that you can never tell what a person means by what, and we have many angry logged conversations to prove it. i need a break. i'm finding myself lacking real human interaction lately and i'd like to bring that back into my life. if people want to talk to me, they will actually need to call me. it's too easy for someone to start a conversation online, and then i lose the chance to actually communicate with them. and i need to have real forms of communication right now.
i've become too addicted to interacting with people through aim and facebook and myspace. even an e-mail is more personal than that. i liked being away from my computer when i was on Alcott because i got to hear human voices more often. i'm beginning to learn that people actually need to hear other people's emotions. it's a comforting thing to be able to hear the tone in another human being's voice.
my mom keeps saying i need to stay focused on my needs right now, so i think this will be good. don't worry, i couldn't part with it forever, but i'm trying to rebuild relationships with people and i really don't feel like such an important thing in my life should be done through a text box no matter how much you can emphasize your emotion with a ;) or 72 pt text.
if you want to talk or make plans, you know my number. if you don't, and we're friends, i'm sure you know someone else that does. oh, and texting is ok. that's not a conversational thing.. people usually just use it for "ugh, this class sucks", "nutrition group makes me want to kill myself" (thanks, mandy ;) and "wanna hang out?/i'll be there in 10." perfectly acceptable.

it's also much easier to write and get work done when i don't have 10 IMs popping up in front of me. i might actually get off my computer before 3am at night.

that's as into that as i'll get. you can go back to not taking me seriously for this ridiculous icon i wish i hadn't found. enjoy your night :)

Monday, December 17, 2007

1 small step, 1 giant leap...both for me.

i did it. i cleaned out my closet. it was...actually, rather disappointing. a year ago, i cried while i desperately tried to pull size 0 pants up that i loved and angerly shoved them back into my closet, refusing to let go. this time around, i was frustrated when i had to put my size 1 pants back in the closet. size 3s? pssh. still huge.
i've gained *8 lbs* in less than 2 months. where the hell is it all going?? "your organs." yes, i get that. but i must be gaining weight elsewhere by now. except for some shirts, my clothes mostly all still fit the same. i'm still just as visibly bony. ...i'm too impatient for this :P i would love to just go to bed one night and wake up the right weight. with warning, of course. otherwise, i'd be scared shitless if i gained 18 lbs overnight.
you know what's odd...everyone always says that when you're recovering from an eating disorder, body image is the last thing to go. which, is almost like saying "it's always in the last place you look." especially when considering that eating disorders really have very little to do with weight. once you've accepted and grown and moved on from everything that built the foundation of the disorder, obviously, you can let go of the distorted body image.
so, if i have no problem with my body image (and my distortions had faded quite a while ago)... what does that mean? i think i'm at an odd in-between spot. it doesn't seem accurate to say i no longer have an eating disorder, but it doesn't seem appropriate to say i have one, either. i do know that, by definition, i am still considered an anorectic. but only barely. i guess my title remains as "recovering anorectic." but even that, i'll be perfectly happy letting go of.

It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meander from sick to mostly well. The misconception that eating disorders are a medical disease in the traditional sense is not helpful here. There is no 'cure'. A pill will not fix it, though it may help. Ditto therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. You fix it yourself. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I found myself stronger for doing it. Much stronger.
-wasted, marya hornbacher-

i've learned something new today. i know - it's been a while since i've had a fascinating revelation for you to read about ;) this lesson took one person to slam it into my head, and another to help me understand it. i can't change. i thought i had changed, but i guess that's not what happens. i've been learning, and i've been growing, and i've been gaining new tools. but i'm still me. which, you think i'd be happy to realize. and i guess i am, as long as i know i've grown and i can handle my obstacles much more gracefully. i guess i was hoping i wasn't still as emotional as i have always been. which is a ridiculous thing to think; that's who i am. the difference comes in being able to describe myself as a "beautifully sweet, very tender person" (as my mom so elegantly phrased it...somehow making it seem like a personality trait everyone would love to have) rather than... the "emotional wreck" i've been since i was 15.
while it's nice to know i'm no longer any form of a "wreck," i think i'd still prefer to be able to have more control over my tears. i used to... i didn't *always* cry every time something the least bit emotional happened. of course, i didn't always have so many things happening at once every day. maybe this is just part of the process.

it's taken me over 2.5 hours to complete this entry. thanks for distracting me, guys :P i'm tired as hell. i have a lot to do tomorrow, considering i got very little done today. goal for tomorrow: get out of bed before 10:30am. wish me luck.

my head feels congested.

sometimes, i sit in front of a blank text box for as long as 20 minutes. it's not that i don't know what to say, but more that everything i want to say is something that i don't want someone to read. but at the same time, writing it in my actual journal just doesn't seem to clear the thought. i need someone to read it. i never could figure out why there are things that we need to have other people hear. i guess, if we didn't, we wouldn't communicate with other human beings. but why are there personal things that, frankly, really don't affect anyone but ourselves, and yet we feel the need to have other people know what we're thinking? alright, well, they obviously do affect other people, but those aren't... why am i trying to explain this...

i feel like all of my emotions have been recreated. everything feels completely different, no matter what it is. before, all of my emotions were based on the foundation of me still hating myself. i let other people control my emotions. i convinced myself that my actions were only because ___ did ____. everything was too extreme. i believe they call it "all-or-nothing" thinking in DBT. if something seemed or felt the slightest bit off, everything was about to go wrong and my world was about to fall apart. if something went well, everything was amazing, i was manic, and could usually expect to crash within the next couple of hours. there weren't really "in between" emotions.
now, i'm able to keep myself grounded. if something amazing happens, i can keep myself from remaining level, from not getting my hopes to high about something, and to stay cautious. when i get upset about something, i can still remember how good my life is and that things are going to turn out ok. nothing is the end of the world.
even confusion blatantly opposite of how it used to. it's positive, now. when i would be utterly confused about a situation before, i always expected the worst. "i can't figure out the outcome, but this is the worst that could happen...and it probably will." and it usually did, because those were the thoughts i put in my head and i was subconsciously controlling that situation. now there are things i'm confused about and i find myself doing the exact opposite. "i don't know what's going to happen here, but if it went this way, it would be awesome. and this would be great... and i guess the worst possible outcome is this, but that seems rather unlikely." life's a little more fun when you're not expecting everything to fail. ok, a lot more fun. expecting everything to fail pretty much makes life suck.
but at the same time, i can keep myself level enough to know that, if the worst possible outcome is what happens, then that's what's going to happen. and i'll deal with it, and life goes on.

i think learning to keep myself level was one of the most important lessons i could have ever learned. i wish that was something i had picked up a long time ago. but i guess i wasn't supposed to. and it doesn't really matter anymore, as long as i'm able to do that, now.

i was supposed to clean today. but i was also supposed to sleep for more than an hour last night and be up and ready to get things done by 9:30a. shit happens.

one last thing...
i can't believe i came upon this quote in my book. i mean, i guess i can, because this is what the book's about. but i've been complaining about this unbearable feeling for as long as i can remember. and i know that no one could understand what i meant by saying that i felt that no amount of clothes could keep me warm any longer. it felt like the cold had made it's way down to my actual skeleton. but marya explains it in such a perfect way:

I'd read somewhere that if you made yourself a snow cave you could keep warm, the snow itself would keep out the cold of the snow, and I was so incredibly tired, willing my legs to keep walking. We were having a family outing and I didn't want to ruin it but I was so fucking cold. I wish I could find words to explain what this kind of cold is like- the cold that has somehow gotten in underneath your skin and is getting colder and colder inside you. It isn't an outside sort of cold; it's a cold that gets into your bones and into your blood and it feels like your heart itself is beating out the cold in hard bursts through your entire body, and you suddenly remember that you have a body because you can't ignore it anymore. You feel like an ice cube.

and that is why, when you hear me say i'm not cold anymore... it's not that it's nice outside. it's not that i have a warm enough coat on. for me to say i'm warm is a mind-blowing thing for me. this is how i know i'm ok.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

really random shit.

this picture makes me laugh because it's so cute... but it's so sad :( and something about adding "fuck" to pictures that look like they were drawn by 3-year-olds just does it for me.

yesterday was horrendous in that bored-shitless kind of way. i was at work from 11a-7p. my last appointment was at about 5 (a walk-in) and then, i just...kind of chilled on facebook/flickr for the last 2 hours... but was rewarded by being told i wasn't needed today. which would've sucked, had i been able to physically make it to work alive today, anyways. but i would've had to call out and that always makes me feel bad.
the good part of yesterday was that 4 of my sales appointments needed retouching done on their pictures. the studio typically does not do retouching, but we'll do it under certain circumstances. it's rare, so i was really excited. and they were all really happy with my work :) i love when my work makes people happy.

last night was awesome. oh man, i had so much fun. and now i can get over having been too sick to go last year :) i walked away with nothing from the gift exchange. well, except for a gift-wrapped box...with a hole in it... but, damn, i wanted those itunes cards so bad. i was ready to take mr. murphy and alicia down. somehow, none of the 3 of us ended up with either of them :(

my cold is already much better, which is new for me. usually, i get a cold and it lasts a month. i got this one 2 days ago and it's already much better. my secret: airborne twice a day, sudafed pe, and tylenol severe. oh, and eating. i think that has something to do with it... i love this being-healthy thing.

i've been going through a weird range of emotions lately. maybe "emotions" isn't the right word. i mean, not like mood-swings. i just have a lot of thoughts going through my head right now about a lot of different things and it's kind of like i'm giving myself mixed signals. i don't know... maybe i should try to sort that out a little more before trying to talk about it. ...i feel very "steph" in this paragraph...

it's snowing like craaaaaazy. i had no idea it was gonna be like this today. if you must leave your houses, pleeease drive carefully! "thanks, mom." i know, i know... i'm a Jewish mother in training. i can't really help it.

Friday, December 14, 2007

in sickness and in health.

alright, i'm trying to use blogging as a distraction. i've been sitting with my lunch on my lap for nearly a half hour because there's something else my hands would rather be doing. (believe me...it's not dirty. don't make a joke.) so now i'm trying to type between bites, instead.
i'm really sick of this. alright, i give myself a LOT a lot of credit for how far of come in battling one disorder, but this one is still driving me absolutely insane. IF i get help, i can't do it until after i leave walden, anyways. my insurance will not allow me to be enrolled in two programs at once. so i would finish up with my eating disorder treatment and then move on to mcleans for their ocd program (which is supposidly the best in the country). i hear the way they help their patients is opposite action... which sounds like absolute torture, but it cures people. i wanted so badly to think i could do it on my own. some days are really unbearable, though.
if you've ever seen the episode of scrubs with michael j. fox... yeah... it's kinda like that. obviously, his was worse. a lot of people are like, "you have ocd? well, i've never noticed anything. it must not be that bad." it's not always so blatant. but it's just as torturous. there was a part at the end of the show where he's psychotically washing his hands and then he just... screams. and i twitched because i felt it. the same way girls cry when their soap opera counter-part gets dumped on her doorstep by her perfect-for-her ex-boyfriend. you feel it. you know exactly what the character is feeling. i was just as embarrassed as the girl crying about a soap-opera and hoped no one else in the room noticed me twitch.
>>side note: i hear he received an emmy for that role. he deserved it.<< style="font-weight: bold;">another hospital, i'm not going to like it. but i'm doing nothing right now. i'm being let go from work on sunday, i can't start classes again until the end of january... if i have a chance to really deal with these things that have been debilitating of my life since i learned to walk, this is the time for me to do it. one step at a time, right? i just really wanted to do this one on my own.

i used to be so humiliated by the fact that i have all this.....joke material. i mean, are you fucking kidding me? but i'm really beginning to see it a little bit differently. everyone's at a different level in life. it's sort of like high school classes: level 2, level 3, honors, ap... this is my level - we'll consider it ap. clearly, i'm able to handle all these challenges, or i wouldn't have them in my life. it's not a handicap, it doesn't make me any less of a human being... it's just what i have to do. life isn't easy for anyone, and i'd say i got pretty damn lucky with what my tasks are.
i've seen far too many patients who don't even have anyone supporting them through all of this and i realize just how good i've really got it. it kills me to see the way people are treated by their parents, their spouse/partner, their best friends... i've seen and heard some horrible things and i've seen how it demolishes a person's self-worth.

i find myself thinking about that part of marriage vows that say, "in sickness and in health." i keep thinking about all my friends struggling to keep their heads clear of those "voices" while having hourly battles with their husbands and wives. i keep thinking about my own parents and the circumstances i've had to witness them overcome to maintain their marital status. how much do vows mean to people nowadays? what does it mean about the original foundation of the relationship when a person walks away from those vows?
of course, there are millions of different circumstances and millions of different diseases. is the person helping themselves? if they're not, there's no question. but how do you tell. in all my treatment experiences, relationships come up a lot because you're always in at least one abusive one. and that abusive relationship always comes first. and it always wins. well, at least until that final straw.
i can't even imagine what i would do if i were married to someone who had an eating disorder. and i HAVE one! it blows my mind to try to imagine what it's like for people who have never had one and have to watch it. it hurts to think about what i've put the people i love through. how long do you fight a voice in someone else's head until you can't anymore?
and from the other side, of course, how long do you choose that relationship over the person you really love? there's a little bit of fight in all of us. most of us (in tx) know that what we're doing isn't right. we ALL know we can't have two relationships, though, most of us do try.
then, there have been the all-to-familiar relationships where both people are dependent on a disease. i've seen friends struggle with their spouse's drug addiction, alcoholism, si, even eating disorders. often times, they feed into each other. not so much enabling (though, that's also rather disturbing), but using each other as an excuse to continue with their own behaviors. "i've been supportive while you throw up your dinner. just let me have this one beer. you understand." and neither sees it. you can't see it on the inside. if for no other reason, you just don't want to.

relationships are hard. harder when you're trying to have more than one and one of them is with a disease that controls your thoughts and distorts the world around you. i think if i could be absolutely anything in the world, i would want to be a marriage counselor that specializes in couples dealing with illness. i feel like i could be a good mediator for that, being around it basically 7 days a week and having had those illnesses come between 2 relationships from either side.

i suppose, if i had to choose between having AN for the rest of my life, or OCD, i would choose the latter. AN will distroy everything i've ever worked for and everything i've ever wanted. oh, and it will more than happily kill me. OCD just makes me frustrated, but it won't kill me. i've killed the worse of the 2 before it killed me. and if i can't kill my oc's, i can at least learn to live with them so they're not suckin' the life out of me.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

this took 2 hours to type.

for some horrifying reason, my tuesday night at work (5-10p) was a million times busier than my sat AND sun (11a-7p) combined. please note: i work at the mall and it's just a few weeks before christmas. does this make any sense you people?? at least i was busy. i HATE being bored at work.

so, i began writing something about my experiences in 2007 and decided i'm going to write an essay on my year. i know - very nerdy. i actually gave myself an essay assignment. but this may become part of the book i'm writing.
i have no idea how it's going to turn out because it's already taken a few different turns from what i had in mind. it's amazing the things you realize about what you've been through when you start to see it in print. it's like i'm relearning all of the these lessons and seeing them from all points of view by seeing them down on paper. depending on how good it turns out, i believe i'm going to post it on my blog when it's done. so, if you're interested, you'll all get to learn just a little more more about me ;) and i know you're interested. don't fool yourselves.

leaving partial was slightly difficult yesterday. i've never known such an amazing group of people in my life. the things we go through together are things you can't explain. we see each other in a way that people outside of that room never get to see and it's such an amazing connection to have. i love you all to no end, and i hope you all get to join us up in iop.
i'm so excited for iop. from what i'm hearing, they have a great group up there right now and everyone is really at my level. it was starting to make me feel kind of awkward being so disconnected with the topic discussions in php, so this is going to be really good for me. they're all apparently very devoted to their recovery and letting go and moving on and living. and that's what i need to be surrounded with right now.

by the way, i keep getting asked the same questions. so for all you guys who are completely confused, here is my shorthand dictionary for you all:

d/c: discharge
edu: eating disorder unit - the inpatient medical care unit and highest level of care, aka Alcott @ Walden
gw: goal weight
iop: intensive outpatient program - the lowest level of care, 3 hrs a night/3 nights a week
mp: meal plan - the strict numbers of nutritional exchanges i need to eat in a day
neda: national eating disorder association
opt: outpatient team - the team of doctors i work with outside of Walden (pcp, therapist, nutritionist, etc.)
pcp: primary care physician - aka "the family doctor"
php: partial hospitalization program - the second lowest level of care, 6 hrs a day/5 days a week

i believe those are all the ones i've used. if i missed any, let me know. if you're still confused, feel free to ask questions. people keep asking if it's ok or if it makes me uncomfortable for them to ask me questions. it really doesn't. go right ahead.

that's it for now. i have a million things i need to do today and i really don't want to have it keep hanging over my head. and i'd really like to know where my bedroom is. i miss the right side of my bed and my floor...

Monday, December 10, 2007

ahhbed.

i waited too long to update, and now i have 15 minutes before i have to knock myself out. and i haven't even eaten my pudding yet. whatevs.

oh, shit, but i have to work tomorrow so i actually have to get ample sleep. soo, i guess it's going to be one of those nights where i just run down a quick list of things. here goes:
  • fuck ice.
  • i hit 100 lbs!!
  • tomorrow's my last day @ php.
  • which means job searching becomes intense.
  • tana and i bought our xmas tree today - very excited :D
  • i got a little knot in my stomach... so i did what was long overdue.
  • and that became an odd turnout...
  • i've decided to not bring it up and see what happens...
  • my patience really is wearing down - i think i actually cringed today.
  • bex's present kind of made my day :)
  • things keep changing. i like it. my life actually kind of feels exciting :)
  • no, you can not. not interested, thanks.
  • can we talk about how excited i am for new years?
oh, and for those who haven't figured it out yet, follow these directions:
  1. click on your buddy list.
  2. find my screen name: blucrayon28
  3. right click on it.
  4. hit "delete".
  5. click "add new contact".
  6. type in the following screen name: emmysr18
  7. hit "save".
extended instructions:
  1. double click on emmysr18.
  2. in the large text box, type in things involving how much you love me.
  3. type a "less than" sign, followed immediately by the number 3. (optional)
  4. hit "send".
mission complete.
laila tov.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

whaaaaaaaat iiiiiiiiiiiii've doooooooooooone.

thank you, ali, for finding tonight's picture. i don't usually read toothpastefordinner, but this one is rather relevent to our lives ;) however, and it's very weird for me to say this, i haven't really felt anxious in the past... well, definitely over a week. me, who invented anxiety. i've been rather calm, not easily angered (despite the stupidity i've witnessed in the past 16 hrs i've spent at the studio), and pretty easy going.

also, my mom made an interesting observation the other night that i didn't even pick up on. for the past 3 months or so, i've been extremely negative about pretty much everything. i was even annoying myself, but i really felt negatively towards everything around me so i didn't know any other way around it. but lately, i haven't been. like, at all. it's been much easier for me to be more optimistic about things. apparently she noticed after i was on alcott for a week. it's easier to not hate life when you have food in your system. clearly.

now, don't get me wrong. i feel like writing all of this makes it sound like i'm not me anymore. i'm not void of all negative emotion. i'm still sarcastic as hell, i still get angry, i still scream obscenities at people driving through waltham (because frankly, they're still all fucktards.) i'm just much better at getting over it. that's the important part. i haven't been able to get over things. i just kept... feeling the shit. does it have to do with health, or enlightenment? i guess it doesn't matter - i have most of both of things.

long way to go on health, still. i'm not sure of my weight, but i'll find out tomorrow. i'm still orthostatic most days, but that's far better than being orthostatic every day - which i have been since i was... probably 16. i hardly even feel it anymore unless it's really bad. but i've stuck to my meal plan probably more than 100%. i think hydration is just difficult for my body at this point.

as for another poor habit of mine, i got myself back on track my quicker than i thought i would. it's been bad the past couple days, but as of 11pm last night, i have done it once. the urge is kind of killing right now, but i'm fightin'. but you wouldn't be able to tell the past couple days were bad - which is important. it's awful when the urge is strong and i'm embarrassed to be talking to people because i feel like it's all they're looking at.

it's a good thing i never picked up smoking. i can't even imagine trying to quit something like that. and it's odd, because i don't have an addictive personality, but i guess you don't need one to have an addiction.

i'm very excited for this week. i'm working 30 hours (at most). however, i believe it's going to be my last week @ portrait.simple. it's already slowing down a lot. it was so slow today, i took a shopping break and was let off an hour and a half early. (well, i guess shopping implies that i bought stuff...) paulette said seasonal is usually let go the week before xmas, so it's time to start the job search. or continue it, rather. i've been looking for a while. i need to put an ad out. everyone keeps telling me that everyone is looking for retouchers right now, so why aren't i finding them? where do i look??

the best part of gaining crazy weight: emptying my closet and having an excuse to buy a whole new wardrobe. the downside: feeling guilty as hell for having to spend so much money on clothes. but it's really that, or continue wearing the same pair of jeans every day and having the same 3 shirts to choose between for work. although, i love those jeans... but i can't do laundry that often, so it's gwoss.

this was a long one. i apologize. it will probably happen again.

oh, hey, wish me luck! if my weight's gone up, i'll be graduating the day program and stepping down to iop on tuesday!! *fingers crossed...and eating cookies.*

Friday, December 07, 2007

more cortizone, please!


  • i've been stable @ 99 - got another MP increase today.
  • need to hit 100 to be d/c to iop on tuesday. (pfft, no problem.)
  • the cause of my last flat: a little rusty screw. (that's good!)
  • my mechanic told me i'm half way to a free tire ;)
  • he also promised me a free oil change if we won the WS, so i took that yesterday.
  • sat and talked w/ SC for 2 hrs yesterday... we've realized we have ridiculous things in common.
  • i was doing kick-ass for 2 days, and then...undid it all. soo...back to the cortizone. let's try again.
  • oh...um... who's working a 30 hr week next week? OH haha that'd be me :D
  • i've started really drawing again. do you realize how long it's been?????
so, about this situation i'm in. i'm really starting to lose it and i'm really trying not to, but it's becoming more and more ridiculous and even a little uncomfortable. there have been two very blatant crossing-of-the-lines and i can't put up with that. i'm trying the best i can to be there for you. i'm trying my hardest to be compassionate and understanding, but i'm scared it's going to start coming between us. it's not even you i'm really angry at.
i've gone to a few people for advice and the turnout is 50/50 whether or not i should bring it up. there are very unwanted consequences on either side. there are a few occasions coming up fairly soon that may help resolve things, so i think my best bet for now it just to ride this out and see what happens over the next couple weeks.

one last thing before i end with my DU: please, please, please read and follow the instructions in the entry under this! to put it short (for those who don't want to read the entire NEDA letter), every single patient in the eating disorder community has to fight their insurance companies for treatment. my old insurance doesn't even believe in eating disorders, and would not even cover specialists. patients are dying because they aren't covered or because insurance has run out. these are my friends i'm talking about. your friends, whether or not you know it. it was me. please, help us do something about it.



96% of professionals who deal with eating disorders believe their anorexic patients lives are put at risk because their health insurance policies authorise early release.

Only one-third of people with anorexia in the community receive mental health care.




* * * * *

dad update:
dad's doing... ok, actually. he still spends pretty much all of his day in bed, but he's been sitting in the living room once in a while. he even got up to make himself breakfast and lunch the other day. he's also using slightly less oxygen throughout the day. so now, we're positive the virus is gone. we're not sure how much better he can get or what happens next, but for now, he's feeling better than he has been the past couple weeks :)

Thursday, December 06, 2007

URGENT MESSAGE TO NEDA SUPPORTERS AND FRIENDS

Insurance coverage to treat eating disorders and other mental disorders is vital to wellness and recovery, and that is why the Mental Health Parity Legislation currently under consideration in Congress is so very important to all of us.

PLEASE take a few minutes to call your U.S. Senators and member of Congress on Friday, December 7th and URGE him/her to help pass the mental health parity bill this session – and it MUST INCLUDE EATING DISORDERS! See more information below from the Eating Disorders Coalition. . We need your voice to make parity a reality and to improve access to care for millions of Americans who suffer from eating disorders, addictions and mental illness.

Our Recommended Message: “I am calling to ask the senator/representative to not let another year go by without passing mental health and addiction parity legislation. Please work with the Leadership to pass parity now that includes the treatment of eating disorders.

Thank you very much,

Lynn Grefe, CEO

Take 3 Minutes to Tell Congress You Want a Vote on Mental Health Parity Now!

Action: On Friday, December 7, use the toll-free Parity Hotline, 1-866-parity4 (1-866-727-4894), to call your representative and senators and leave a message urging their active support for the mental health and addiction parity legislation. (The Parity Hotline reaches the U.S. Capitol switchboard, which can connect callers to the offices of their members.)

Status of Parity: S. 558, a compromise negotiated over the previous two years, passed the Senate under unanimous consent on September 18. H.R. 1424, approved by three House committees, will next go to the Rules Committee and the House Floor. We hope that the negotiations that are now underway between the House and Senate are successful in devising one compromise bill that can pass in both the Senate and House. The leadership of the Eating Disorders Coalition believes that the bill that moves forward at this stage be acceptable to both the House and the Senate.

This session of Congress will end around December 21. If parity is not passed by then the issue will lapse over into 2008, when many expect it will be lost in an election year deadlock. With one massive grassroots telephone call-in day we hope to impress Congress with a united front that says the parity issue must not be set aside again.

Resources from the Congressional Budget Office:

CBO score on H.R. 1424 (Commerce), 11-21-07:
http://www.cbo.gov/ftpdocs/88xx/doc8837/hr1424e&c.pdf

CBO score on H.R. 1424 (Ways & Means), 10-4-07:
http://www.cbo.gov/ftpdocs/86xx/doc8679/hr1424w&m.pdf

CBO score on H.R. 1424 (Ed & Labor) 9-7-07:
http://www.cbo.gov/ftpdocs/86xx/doc8608/hr1424.pdf

CBO score on S. 558, 3-20-07:
http://www.cbo.gov/ftpdocs/78xx/doc7894/s558.pdf

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

newsflash: it's not made up.


[edit: interesting... the photo above has been removed.
if it was translated at all the way i saw it, it's for the better.]

meanwhile, the news the ed world has been waiting for.
and leave it to britain to figure it out first.
read this article.
it's really interesting, actually.

possibly...mocking...sausages?


goal for today: 100
my weigh-in: 99.2
...well, damn. but ok.
they'll probably weigh me again tomorrow
to make sure i'm going to maintain that.
i was 98 yesterday, so they're a little confused.
however, possibly heading to iop next week :D

alright, this little challenge of yours? sucks.
too. many. people. wearing. on. my patience.
p1: fucking go. we're so sick of your bull shit.
p2: just... stop talking. just give me a break, please. i'm begging you.
p3: i hate so much... the things... you choose to be...
p4: stop being so nice to me. seriously... i don't like it. be an ass once in a while.
p5: would you fucking grow up?????

*deep breaths* alright.
i think that's out of my system.

but seriously... stop.

aand, to end my entry on a brighter note:
i head back to work on saturday!!
yay for money/productivity/human interaction/money...

Sunday, December 02, 2007

buy 4 tires, get 1 free?

[picture function temporarily unavailable.]
here's my best replacement:
<( '@' )>

things i did today:
  • paid all my bills.
  • organized my budget for dec 07.
  • went food shopping.
  • deposited some much needed money.
  • hung out w/ the bro, who told me all about his date ;)
  • ROCKED him @ P10.
  • discovered another flat tire.
    • pretty sure it was unintentional.
    • different tire, anyways.
  • talked w/ my manager.
    • she has no appts, other than sales, for me.
    • that's fine - money is money and i can still make commission.
    • i want to work 6 days/wk. i hope she needs me that much.
  • caught up with mollz a bit :)
pretty productive day.
i'm satisfied.

but i need to go to php freakin' early tomorrow
because tana has to drive me before work...
soo... goodnight.

late night word purge.


this seemed appropriate,
considering the time.
  • the house is emaculate, thanks to me, and is expected to stay that way, thanks to family meeting :P
  • i'm on a baaad schedule right now.
  • someone teach me how to reject. or else... steve "knows a guy"...
  • how many years of experience = 100% accurate? you're making me nervous :P
  • alright, you. i accept your challenge.
  • what do those architectural dreams mean??
  • and what the FUCK did that dream mean...
  • i feel like there's an opportunity RIGHT IN FRONT of me that i'm just not seeing.
  • there are so many things i want to say to so many people.
  • i probably... well, i don't know. i probably need to go to bed.
  • 2am is a bad time for lists. maybe i'll try again later in the morning.

laila tov.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

wait...it was just 75º and it's dec??

coconut dreams.

ok, first off, read this blog entry from 'the sneeze'.
it's really cute.

second of all:
part of me wants this hat.
i'm not sure which part of me,
but it exists, i assure you.
i think it's one of those things
i would probably be happy to own
but i would never ever wear it.

...although, throw some goggles on
and i'd be the sweetest looking
snowboarder this winter.
yanno...maybe.
[it comes in white, too.]

...
anyways.

my mom just called and said she's coming.
then told me to clean my apt.
i'm pretty sure that's not how
moving out of your parents' works.
is she still allowed to tell me
to clean my room??

oh, so last night i was thinking
and trying to figure out
how this keeps coming back up.
then i remembered...
i have 4 people i need to "report" to.
i'm hoping craig was the last of them.
i'm sick of talking about it.
it's not a big deal.
it's not a "stressor" or a "trigger"...
and there's only actually one part of it
that makes it really painful to talk about,
which is being reminded of
what an embarrassment i was
to all members of the female gender, ages 15+.
so i apologize for that :P

which reminds me...
it's weird seeing that what my brother has learned
from his past relationships was to (in more or less words)
stop dating people who... act exactly like i was.
well then. case and point.

it's odd how easy it is to be independent outside of relationship,
but as soon as there's someone there to be dependent on,
you lose that sense of standing on your own.
so how do i know that i can carry that over into a relationship?
of course... i was no where near independent
before my last one, so i guess i had nothing to carry over.
is this like the, "i'm ready to leave php, so i'll stay for a few more weeks"?
if i think i'm independent enough to hold my own,
maybe give it a few more weeks/months/whatever to make sure...

wait, you can't do that.
that's a waste of life.
you can't learn how everything works
without trial and error.
so... we see what happens.

i'm starting to find this whole
"not trying to predict the future thing"
actually really fun.
i cried watching a movie yesterday
(no, i will not tell you which one)
because, in some stretched out way,
it made me realize how much freedom i have
with which way my life can go
without trying to plan things out.
since letting go of the next 10 years
(which i was very strict about trying to plan),
i've opened myself up to... everything.
seriously. i was aging myself too quickly.

and on top of everything else,
i see myself, for the first time,
slowly not needing a member of my OPT.
i don't think i'll be seeing craig for a while.

alright, time to get dressed
and get some shit done.
this cannot be a pointless day.
i hate wasting weekends.