Friday, November 30, 2007

"aw fuck it, i don't want to be in this seat anymore."


my blog isn't fun enough.
so i've decided that every blog
gets some random funny picture i find.
and you're going to like them.
so enjoy it.

annnd... kiersten, i dedicate this one to you ;)

sooo... this week has pretty much blown by, like whoa.
pretty good week, too, actually.
yanno... with the exception of a few "frozen orange" moments.

i typed it, but then i realized that
typed out, it doesn't look as good as it was :P
so you'll just have to take my word for it.

it's becoming difficult for me to sit in php.
i mean, i do love being able to give advice and feedback
based on my own experiences and the fact that i've come through them,
and i love that i am no longer the one looking for it...
and i know that i should give it a little longer
because it's always better to stay past the point you think...
i'm just not connecting with the discussion anymore.
triggers? challenges? thought/body distortion?
nope. sorry. not here.
i'm just here for weight restoration.
which is happening.
so if i hit my goal for tuesday
(hopefully, higher...),
then meghan and i are going to have a talk.

* * * * *

dad update:
mom&dad are getting up wicked early mon morning
and (with the help of my grandmother)
braving the might-be-a-snow-storm to get to UMass Mem by 7am.
he's having a procedure that will tell the doctors
whether he's suffering from pulmonary artery hypertension
(a very common symptom of systemic scleroderma)
or congestive heart failure (which he's had before).
it's just a tube being inserted in his neck
down to his heart that will be removed
as soon as they figure out which of the 2 (if not both) he has.
i don't really know what that would mean.
yes, there are treatments for both.
other than that... meh?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

the hardest to learn was the least complicated.

it's amazing to learn all these things i've been learning.
to grow the way i've been growing
and gain the wisdom about my life
that i fear too many people never get to gain
because they don't want to fight.
because they don't want to learn.
they want to sit, and dwell, and soak in the co-dependency.
i was there. i know why that's so comfortable.

and sometimes, it hurts to fight. and it hurts to learn.
but once you pull through that, it feels so amazing to know
that you can get through anything.
to feel that strength that physically flows in your veins
as soon as you're able to tell yourself,
i'm okay. and, for once, you believe it.

and now, i present you with
"what i learned about myself today"...

i become a whiny, needy 16-yr-old version of myself
when i feel out of control of an anxiety-provoking situation.
you all knew that. my family definitely knows it.
i knew that.
but i never knew where it came from,
and i figured it out today while talking to amy about
why people regress in different situation.
and now that i know why i do it,
and that there's a reason behind it,
i know exactly what to do to catch myself next time.
it doesn't happen often lately,
but when it does... it's horrifying.
and humiliating... because i know i'm doing it.
i just didn't know how to bring myself back.


"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross."
-meredith grey-

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

you've got to trust your instincts...

you know, thinking over it...
i said some pretty stupid shit
that i pretty much wish i hadn't.
but i was upset,
and it's over and done with.
so whatever.

i find it interesting how much easier life is
when you have a grip on yourself.
there's a huge difference in having a breakdown
when you're emotionally stable.
as in... i can pick myself right up again
and stand on my own two feet without
needing to depend on someone else to hold me up.

not to say i don't need a little support once in a while,
but i used to need a fuckin' wall next to me.
now, all i need once in a while, is my bridge (o.t.w.) ;)
...and let go of regret.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

feel it and move.

so sometimes you have to cry
and be a little immature
and just get it out.

and by about 8p last night,
i felt ok.
i was really scared... i'm not sure of what.
but by the time i calmed down,
i was actually kind of excited.
like my mom said,
there's really no such thing as a bad outcome.

it's going to be really hard sometimes,
but it's going to make me stronger,
and it's going to make us stronger.
and it's going to be ok.

last night was everyone's last night home.
i skipped out and i'm SO glad i did.
every muscle in my body felt sore or weak.
i haven't been sleeping enough this week
and i was running myself into the ground.
it seemed like a good night to take my own space.
plus, my mom and i hadn't really spent
much time together like we wanted.
i'll see everyone in a few weeks :)

i woke up sick at 4:30 in the morning.
not really sure why,
but the bag i grabbed had a hole in it...again.
so uh... that was lots of fun.
and then i got to fall back asleep to
dad coughing up a hardened lung.
he's doing it right now, too.
it's...pretty much torture to listen to,
but his nurse is here with him.

well... here's to moving on,
and starting a new chapter :)
there was a time when i don't think
i would've been able to handle this.
but i'm a fuckin' beast.

so bring it on ;)

Saturday, November 24, 2007

can't...form...sentences.

i feel so weird right now.

i'm like...really anxious, ridiculously confused,
a little angry? (mostly at myself...a little at you),
and i have a LOT of questions i want to ask,
but i don't know if i'm "supposed" to.

i'm in such weird positions
and they're all very uncomfortable.

before i blow...let me just get this out...
FJDA;SLKDFJ;ADSHG; STOP!!
i don't get what you're not understanding...
it's like telling someone "i haaate talking on the phone",
having them reply "oh, that's fine. i totally understand."
and then they keep...calling you...on the phone.
i'm sorry...i really don't know how else to say it.

anyways...
while i'm improving all the things about myself i can't deal with,
i'm finding i have trouble with some of them.
i find myself doing and saying things i shouldn't have,
but not until after i already did.
maybe i'm trying to control my actions too much.
i'm probably making things far too complicated.
old habits die hard.

i have a stomachache.
i need to go write somewhere i don't have to be cryptic
so i can actually try to sort this out before i screw myself.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*new survey.

Friday, November 23, 2007

mental. capacity. on overload.

well...that pretty much says it all.
i have so much...life.
there's really no other way to put it.

at least i'm enjoying it, right?

Thursday, November 22, 2007

happy dunksgiving.

it was SO good to see everyone last night.
this is going to be such a kick ass break :D
i looove this group of kids.

today looks like:
volunteering @ the KoC, delivering meals.
a lot of rummy.
a lot of yarn.
a meal that maybe incorporates turkey.
and, i'm going to guess, at least one surprise visitor.
(as i'm typing this, gramma showed up :D)
escaping to bill's at some point.
picking up where we left off last night.
don't know that plan... sure it involves beer, though :P


wtinwiqe.
ittwbe,ttmbh...
idkwte,btwni.
icahaihhbiwtbwy.
enwhwbtesw"t".
tasmmtiwts
aijcpiaiwrn,
birrhlhtwio.


* * * * *

dad update:
i'm very. freakin. confused.
i'm getting a lot of different words
between mom, dad, and jay,
and i don't know how to weigh each.

his numbers are awful,
he only gets up to use the bathroom,
when he does, it takes him 30-40 min
of extra CO2 to catch his breath...
but he's still very dad.
he's fine when he's laying in bed.

things are very unclear,
and i don't like unclarity.
i like facts. i like plans and time lines.
and i'm in 3 situations where
i don't get any of those things right now.
maybe i should take advantage
and take this time to teach myself
to just chill out and go with things
without expectations.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

...and i'll learn how to fly.

i've decided to give my future some freedom.
which took a lot for me to do.

i've been planning my future since i was 5.
it's changed a lot, but i always worked it out.

i was going to live in a box in manhatten
until i made it big on broadway.
then i decided i'd rather live in l.a.
in a roach-invested apt until i
make it big in the film industry.

i also planned on going to berklee...
i mean, emerson.
wait, i mean mt. ida.
wait, no, aib...

i stopped living here...at 21.
i started doing everything that
would aim me in the direction of
25...30...50...

photography hasn't even brought me
to where i planned it would.
it set me on a path in the right direction,
but now i'm looking at a new career focus.

things change. plans change.
i don't know where the hell
i'm going to be next week...
let alone in 5-10 years.
i have the typical hopes:
steady my career, get married, have kids.

i've been dreaming of california,
and maybe that's where i'd end up.
or maybe i'm not supposed to live there.
maybe i'm going to end up in colorado.
maybe i'm going to raise my kids in mass.
there's no way of telling,
but i'm going to stop guessing
and let things happen as they will.

it's really so much more fun
to let yourself be surprised, anyways.

* * * * *

dad update:
we now have hospice.
for those who don't know (and i didn't either),
they are a group of angels (as mom puts it)
who are on call for him 24/7
and can give him meds to help easy discomfort.
they're his new 911 call.
if we have a 911 situation,
we call them instead.
there's nothing more a hospital can do now.
if something wants to kill him at this point,
it will.
and we're going to try to make that
as comfortable as possible.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

food for thought.

me·tab·o·lism (mĭ-tăb'ə-lĭz'əm) pronunciation
n.
  1. The chemical processes occurring within a living cell or organism that are necessary for the maintenance of life. In metabolism some substances are broken down to yield energy for vital processes while other substances, necessary for life, are synthesized.
  2. The processing of a specific substance within the living body: water metabolism; iodine metabolism.

i'm learning that all of these words,
pertaining to nourishment,
become a metaphor for life in general.

as i became more and more unhealthy, physically,
so did my thoughts...my attitude...my relationships...

as my body regains strength and volume,
as do my emotions...my outlook...my inspiration...

i'm learning how to take care of myself, physically.
how to feed myself and how to allow myself to eat.
but at the same time,
i'm also learning to voice what i need,
to take care of myself, emotionally.
i'm learning to depend on myself for validity.
to depend on myself for happiness and confidence.


whenever people would tell me how strong i am
to be able to fight through my disease,
i'd thing to myself, yeah, if only you knew
what i had to do to keep my head above water every day.
i'm weak as fuck.
but yesterday, timmy mentioned it.
and for the first time, i agreed.
i'm in control of my life now.
not my eating disorder.
not the people that i wanted
to hold my hand through everything.
me.

and it feels fucking incredible.

if i just lay here...

i'm not sure what it is.
maybe it's that it's really sinking it.
it doesn't feel bad...
just...weird. really weird.
which makes sense - i'm sure that's normal.
especially after...
well...
i didn't know i'd get to feel like that again.
i was right when i said what i did,
but i was wrong about the circumstance.
so. so wrong.

now i'm confused,
and it's not my place to be.
so, i guess now i just...
roll with the punches.
lucky me, i'm learning to do that again :)

but it still feels weird...

Saturday, November 17, 2007

it's nothing to cry about.

it's odd how tonight was
the most comfortable that i've been...
in a very. very. long time.
i missed this :)

Friday, November 16, 2007

i had a dream last night...

that you wrote me a letter.
it said december 14.
"i know it's a long time," you said,
"but, just be patient."

* * * * *

i found out, today, that since leaving alcott,
i've dropped 1.6 lbs.
normal & expected, but slightly frustrating when
i've been working my ass off.
but my metabolism is in overdrive.
so ,i got another meal plan increase.
whatever works. let's do it.
gotta hit that "century mark", as bob puts it.
...only about 25 lbs to go...

and for those who have asked:
Walden Behavioral Care was named after Thoreau's Walden
(published in 1854.)
Thoreau (the psych unit) is named after Henry David Thoreau,
and Alcott (the eating disorder unit) is named after Louisa May Alcott.

Thoreau and Walden make sense.
Not sure about Alcott.

and there's your lesson for the day
on my hospital of choice :P

Thursday, November 15, 2007

sorry, xanga. you lose again.

let's get through this quick.
  • i know...life is so hard when i change my blog site :P
  • you can still subscribe w/ an rss feed.
  • you don't have to be a member to comment.
  • i just wanted to start fresh.
  • i didn't delete xanga...there's link over there ----->
now that we're all over it...

i've been doing ridic well.
i haven't hit triple digits yet,
but i was pretty low, apparently.
we're starting to discuss stepping down :D

i think if i start iop on a monday,
i'll head back to school the same day.
people keep asking if i really want to do that...
why not?? it won't take much to ease back in,
especially when every week is a new class.

work is an interesting situation...
i want to call and tell them to put me back on the sched
and i know they'd put me on at the last minute.
i was hired specifically for the next 5 weeks.
i'm not sure how much longer they need me for.
i have a meeting on the 28th
with a woman who runs a
digital retouch studio in idaho.
it's not really an interview,
but she's interested and going to
be in the area for the holiday, anyways.
she'd need me for january.
and yes, i'd be working from here.

oh...uh...
it turns out she's the childhood best friend
of one of my cdia classmates.....
how the hell did i pull that one off??
she works in idaho...

* * * * *

dad update:
nothing new.
he's hangin' in there.
him and jay are starting to clean out
all of his computer stuff and it's being sold.
his office/bedroom will be just...
his bedroom.

for now, the crv sits in the driveway.
we run it once in a while.
i'm not sure how long we wait
to decide if we sell that, too, or not.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

the turn-around.

people who really know me aren't going to believe this,
but... i haven't been angry in days.
i even almost got killed in the rotary
(16-yr-olds shouldn't be allowed to drive)
and by the time i was out of the rotary...
i no longer cared.

i'm no longer orthostatic.
it's been about 2 years
since i've been able to say that.

i can't believe how well i can think.
i'm gaining back my creativity.
i thought i had permanently lost
my ability to do any form of art.
i was so uninspired and it's coming back.

i've been making hats again like crazy,
and i've decided i'm actually going to sell them
like bill's been telling me i should for a year.
not only that, but my mom suggested
i donate a portion of the proceeds to NEDA.
i believe i might also donate to the
Scleroderma Foundation.
we'll see how well they sell
and how many i can actually make to sell.

* * * * *

dad update:
he came home today!
basically because...
there's no more, medically, they could do for him.
his bed's been replaced with a hospital bed.
he will be on oxygen 24/7.
he has a nurse that will be visiting daily to take his vitals.

his bone marrow biopsy came back great.
his bone marrow's fine,
which means his disease is what's killing his red cells.
which is kind of good, because if it was his bone marrow,
he would've needed a bone marrow transplant
and he's not strong enough to survive that kind of procedure.

oh...and desktop david is officially null&void.
i think that was the hardest thing for me to hear, so far,
because we all know what that business meant to my dad.
that was his baby.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

wow...

this is getting harder
the stronger i try to be.
but i don't want her to see or hear me cry.
i'm half of what holds her together.
(jay...i know you read this.
don't tell her...i don't want her to know.)

i'm just so happy he's not scared.
that would kill me.
at least another week... but no one's sure.

staying positive.

i can honestly say that right now...
i am no longer a mess.
and it helps to know that.
i'm confused...i have a lot going on...
but a mess is what i was before i went to alcott
and didn't know how much trouble i was in
and didn't realize how badly
i was running my life into the ground.

it's hard to want to rebuild your whole...being.
while, simultaneously, trying to uphold important relationships
and having a family member get their ass kicked
by some sick, unstoppable disease.

1 step backward, 2 steps forward.
that's the process.
some days are harder than others,
but i'm getting stronger.
physically and emotionally.

i keep having to remind myself...
i don't have to be the perfect
daughter...sister...girlfriend...patient...
because the harder i try,
the worse i feel when i don't reach it.
i'm learning to not be so hard on myself.
and it's getting easier.

i'm learning to let things go, again.
i JUST realized that i've finally let go
of grudges i've been holding for far too long.
all of them. i'm over it.
and it's so good to not be angry about
stuff that, frankly, doesn't apply to my life anymore.

i've had some very rude awakenings
over the past couple weeks, thanks to 2 very close friends.
this is all long overdue, and now...being 21...
i feel like i have no more time to waste
on being someone that's wasting my own worth.
i've wasted enough time self-destructing.

this all seems so abrupt
and it's all happening so fast...
but i'll take it.
i'm just happy i was able to realize this all now
instead of another year...5 years...10 years...

i guess that's all my optimistic talk for now.
hope you guys didn't throw up ;)
time for breakfast.

* * * * *

dad update:
he had a bone marrow biopsy done yesterday
to try and figure out why he's low on red cells.
no results until tuesday.
but even if they figure out whether it's his
bone marrow not making them,
or his disease killing them...
it doesn't slow anything down.
he's probably going to be in the hospital

Thursday, November 08, 2007

fresh start.

alright.
we're starting fresh from that 21 year point.
that was a good point :)

i'm doing well, so far.
better than i have been in a long time, actually.
and i'm very proud of myself,
if that doesn't come across as arrogant ;)
i just keep telling myself that this is it,
even when i don't completely believe it.
but the more i say it,
the more i really believe it.
i'm going to be ok amazing :)

* * * * *

dad update:
he's anemic and losing red blood cells.
no one's sure why.
he's feeling worse and the virus is still alive and kickin'.
he had a blood transfusion yesterday
and it had no affect on him.
the scleroderma is progressing quickly
and it's all about waiting for answers, now.

keep praying.
and stop apologizing.
you didn't cause it :P
thank you to everyone
who's been asking how we're doing.